Bulimia Help

Hello guys, sorry for spamming around, but I just too love this site, since the focus of this wonderful site is on RECOVERY! (Big ups to Richard and Ali - yeah yeah yeah )

At first I thought this site was a hoax, because there is this never-dissapearing promo the ebook, and my topics didn't seem to appear on the site. But after I rubbed my dizzy eyes, I read the word FREE about the ebook (sorry Richard and Ali). And due to the amount of the topics, only the most popular topic will float on top.
I compliment the good and intelligent extra's of this site!! :)))

But okay, enough about this. 2 days ago I purposely sniffed around in the boxes under my bed. In one of the boxes I kept the documents of my latest treatment. It was a treatment in a psychiatric deparment of a hospital. They were quite 'famous' for their treatments, for having a specialized ED-group. At that time I was 20-turning into 21.
I found the postcards the girls would write to each other when one's going to leave the facility.
Ofcourse, all the cards were positive about the achievements (OFCOURSE, NO one would ever write: I think you will continue your ED again, once you're off).
But somehow the cards were just so 'castle in the air'. After quitting, perhaps 3 months or so I started b/p again. I didn't like how I looked, I couldn't live with the me I had become.

There is a huge need for treatments, and I am convinced that manies of us should definitely (no doubt, no excuse!@!) go for it. But sometimes, and now when looking back - i feel the treatment clinic also was too massive - in the way - there was no room, no budget, no time, to really help an individual individually haha.. It was all about getting foodintake according a scheme, and hey girl, just cope with the weight you have gained. Accept fact that fatter people are just around.

So i am finally awake from this weird horrendous night of feeling so full and undigesting. I was really worried about everything. I had blood in my urine, worrying about maybe a too high thyriod ( i don't want to swallow medicines for the rest of my life:( )

From 3.00- 5.00 i was awake, reading about food and spirituality (more or less the macrobiotic lifestyle), the Dr Phil The Ultimate Weight Solution. Somehow I really don't like Dr Phil that much anymore, he portrays hisself like the 'human psychology messiah' but it is all one puppetshow.. anyhow.. lots and lots of book about eating healthily.

I know I needed to sleep to make body rest. So I slept. I dreamt about this lovely lovely giant wonderful beautiful house we had. But I was the only sleeping on the ground floor and thieves could actually see me sleeping naked.. (why the hell is that all about??)
In my dream I tried to find myself a better room, or a better place to sleep, I even asked my sister to help move the bed farther from the window. She refused.

There were a lots of mirrors and staircases in his beautiful house, but also darkspot with freaky dolls resembling little midgets. In the end my bed still wasn't moved.

I woke up and my mission was; get this digestive system working! xp and drunk some green tea.

Oh by the very important way; today I am going to eat more intuitively, so not too much according a scheme (i guess, to prevent this nasty to full feeling). Has anybody of you read Allen Carrs No More Diet? Please let me finish my sentence, that book is GOOD. Like GOOD. Allen Carr makes sense. He explains to us, that Mother Nature gave us the most intelligent tool every designed and made, OUR OWN BODY, so we must trust it in order to develop a healthy and sensible relation with HEALTHY, NATURE PROVIDED FOOD.
In that order, we will have the body Nature had planned for us. I lend it from the library, but perhaps I am going to buy it too.

I am feeling horribly anxious again today. All the usual mental/physical symptoms.

I can recognise why.
- relationship
- uni work
- sport pressure

I need to focus on a few things
- keep breathing
- keep writing. Don't feel the need to write well. You are aiming for a pass. Nothing more. A credit is overly good. You should not try too hard as there are other things to be focusing on right now.
- eat. eat at meal times. one snack in between. banish food from mind as much as possible in between. remind yourself that it's worth the pain of restraint. remind yourself that temporary relief will not help general marks/fatness/happiness this year.
- sort out relationship later. nothing's going to happen in the mean time. don't act yet. you don't have time/sanity.
- remind yourself that sport will be over soon. if you're still sick you can always pull out. it's ok. no pressure. mel's worried too, it's normal. one more week and either way it'll be over ok.

Do this assignment now. Don't think too much!! Breathe!

So this evening I got this sms from my 'eating-occasions-girlfriend' asking me going for DIMSUM - which is quite fatty and 'NON VEGETABLE' at all. In my bulimia-mode I would be pleased (YES YES YES>> MORE MORE MORE) to accept the suggestion.
But I texted her, requesting for a light lunch. Choosing and standing up for myself.

At first she sounded surprised and asked me: is DimSum not healthy? Well, it CAN be healthy, but actually it is NOT. It is healthy and moderate for people who can CONTROL their intake during DIMSUM, but mostly the foods is covered with .. to much oil, to much extra ve-tsin, to much salt.... to dangerous in this phase!!

Eventually i explained to her ( i wish i didn't have to, because i felt so 'extra-ordinary', but okay, my minority-complex thoughts) that I need to have 'safe' food in order to keep my eating fine.
Eventually she was fine after explanation, and i felt sooooo reliefed!!

All my friends know about it, because some years ago, after treatment i made it public being recovered (it was so NOT TRUE, because i hated myself like hell for being this fat and ugly and unattractive, so after few months i started the pattern again to drop weight).

So tomorrow we are meeting (some hours, which is FINE, because i still love my own cocoonness) and having 'normal' / western lunch.. and yeah, i am going to take a salad and some good tea.

HOOORAY HOORAY.. I STOOD UP FOR MY OWN NEED. That makes it 1-0 versus the b-monster!

btw- I managed to COPE with this gigantic huge 5-kids belly. And it's now almost morning. Still have the feeling of carrying 5 kids around. I hope I will have good "pass away" this morning xP

Hello all... I'm new to the site so I wanted to tell my story and how I got to the place I am today. Let's see, I'm 21 now and my first binge/purge was at the end of 2006 (I definitely crashed and yo yo dieted before... but nothing lasted longer than a week or two). It all started with my mom's homemade chocolate chip oatmeal cookies. Let me tell you something, they are delicious. She sent about a dozen back with me after I had visited home for a day (it was my first semester at college). I stared at the plate of cookies and decided to have one. I felt guilty. I ate another... I felt even more guilty. How was I going to fix this? I thought to myself, "What the hell... I'll just eat all of them and try to throw it up." At cookie #6 or 7, I started to feel very sick. I pushed through the sickness and devoured the rest of the cookies. Then I searched through the kitchen utensils to find something to gag myself with. I settled on a spatula and headed for the toilet. As I hovered over the toilet, shoving the end of a spatula down my throat, I started to get frustrated because food was not coming up easily. It was then that I learned my first binge mistake: I hadn't drank any fluid. So... I headed to the kitchen to get a glass of water. I finished and tried again. This time I just threw up water and no food. Now THIS was frustrating. I went to my bedroom feeling defeated that I had eaten 12 cookies and now had to deal with the consequences.
Over the next couple of months I experimented more binging and purging, crash diets and whatnot; I never really got it right. I was eating too much food and not throwing enough of it up, so my weight went up to the highest it's ever been at 142 (I'm 5'4 and naturally settle at around 127-133). I felt disgusting. I was so ashamed of myself, I didn't want anyone to see me.

Well... day 6 of no b/p. I am still eating my structured meal plan. I was happy today.... I am always fine when I dont have to be anywhere but as soon as I have to actually be somewhere I freak out. I dont have any clothes that fit me right now. I talked to my dietician and she told me that I am going to have to stay of the scale becuase I have been a little obsessive about that. I know that I am up up up...She also told me once my body gets used to this and rehydrated that it will go in reverse and I will not have to wear two sizes higher than what I was last week. I just wanted to know if anyone on here has experienced this or has any thoughts on if this is truth? Lol I know that my bulimic mind takes control sometimes and just need reassurance to get through this I just have intense fear of gaining and becoming overweight but physically I am keeping my days eating as I need too knowing that I want to choose life!!!! I just want to be done with this... I want to move on and enjoy life as it should be!!!

Well i would say that im pretty much at the extreme of bulimia. I have been suffering from this ed for 5 years now. I hid it from everyone for 3 years, after that i told my ex bf and eventually my best friend and now my parents. I want help and to recover more than anything, its so conflicting tho when u enjoy the consumption part of the b/p process. I constantly am comparing myself and what i eat to what everyone else eats. Why cant i eat like they do? I feel so abnormal, but I have hope that one day soon with the support of my friends and family that i can overcome this

All my life I have felt like a sad hopeless case. It's only now that I realise it all stems from my childhood. The abuse I had to take from my father is inexcusable. I have vivid memories of being picked up by the collar of my t-shirt & being thrown against the wall in my room repeatedly. I had plates thrown at me. I was slapped kicked punched and this all began when I was four. There was also the emotional abuse oh god that was the worst that has stuck with me till this day. I Would be called Ugly, fat every day and would often have my meals taken off me by my father. called stupid & told i would never achieve anything in life - and alot of things that still hurts to talk about.
I was pushed away as a child all the time. Left on my own when i was six to play with my dolls while my parents went out for the night. I remember going to my mum for a cuddle and she said your too old for that now and pushed me off her. Noone felt my pain. Noone heard my cries in the night noone and Its soo very sad that for years I thought that it was all normal.

My whole family know about my problem and yet all they do is yell at me and call me pathetic and tell me to get a grip. They say I feel sorry for myself and have nothing to be depressed about. I used to tell my mum I loved her & the reply was I know you do. No I love you too or anything like that. They all couldn't give two shits about me.
My dad took my sweets from me on my birthday which i got from my aunt and when i asked for them back he called me greedy and then i binged on them. He said I'd certainly made up for my months of no eating and called me a selfish fat pig. He doesn't understand bulimia at all he says all the time why the hell can't you just control yourself. Its not hard!
He still hits me to this day and my mum is still emotionally absent.
I feel so unloved and unwanted I just need love from someone somewhere.

okay, today I got my period, its my 3rd cycle in 7 months. Im angry about this. Not ovulating was my badge for being underweight, and I wore it with pride.

A part of me is happy, im still fertile, im not permanently damaged, my body is healing, I should be happy right?
Hell no! im overweight now, im wearing clothes 2 sizes bigger, i cant think, cant sleep, cant do anything. I depressed,.. borderline suicidal even. I dont want to be here
I feel like im in a living nightmare, I dont recognise my own body,... Ive never been this big in my life!

Im having to force myself to eat:
today I had an orange and 6 strawberries and a scoop of protein powder for breakfast
6 straberries, 6 almonds, a yoghurt for lunch

came home, had a 2 bites of cake and 2 squares of chocolate. i was gonna skip dinner.
but I forced myself, i made dinner, but could only eat a quater of it.
I had another protein shake to fill me up... im still hungry, but I cant eat... I dont even know what I want............

Im struggling to eat, I can feel anorexia creeping back on.

I usually go on 3 months on buimia, gain tons of weight, freak out, go anorexic for 3 months, get underweight,.. and that has been the cycle for years now.

I dont want to go anorexic again, Im already struggling with my energy levels, climbing up stairs is a hassle,. I cant excercise as much,...
but I cant eat, I dont want to get any bigger than this, i will literarily die!
I feel so empty and worthless and horrible, i just want to curl up in bed and stay there.
Im not used to having periods, or having fat, or being wobbly, my weight keeps fluctuating, my body feels unstable,. i just dont feel right.

on a more positive note, today is day 6 binge free,.. which is an achievement for me.
I dont know what to do,. I have to heal,. I have to......

I just finished having a b/p. It was a particularly rough one. My gag reflex is kinda burned out right now, so I don't think I got everything out. I feel really crappy right now. I can't even get one day under my belt. I'm feeling hopeless.

The only person in my life that knows about this is my boyfriend. But he lives two hours away. I don't really talk to him about this very much. He doesn't really know how far gone I am. I mean, how could he if I don't tell him? We're going through a rough patch right now. I think that's a big reason why I''ve been binging and purging even more than usual. Our relationship used to give me strength, but now it's just another thing that I want to forget about. It's another reason to shut off.

Ugh.