Bulimia Help

Today was not a perfect day, however I am proud of myself for saying no to purgeing, and saying no to drugs. I know from past experience that if I can make it through three days binge and drug free, that my confidence will return and I WILL feel better, and it will become easier. I will pray. the hardest part is the emotional pain I am in from my boyfriend leaving me yesterday. Please pray for me to make it, just for the rest of today at least. Please.

I have had the worst 2 days of binging and isolating myself from the world to EAT! I can feel my energy, spirit and inner light TOTALLY dim and fade to a dark mist that floats in NO DIRECTION....except for the pantry and the bathroom. I did not feel present during any activities. My motivation level dropped to a zero....I had to make that fake painted on smile that I have made sooo often. And I basically need to STOP now! It has been a stressful week at school as I am facing the end of my term. But, I have been avoiding focusing on preparing myself from school because I just want to hide away from the world with a blanket, in my bath robe with MULTIPLE bowls of cereal, ice cream, candy, chocolate, pizza....and then I look at the mess I have made and ask myself "Was it really worth it?" And I always answer "NO!" and I vow I will never do it again as I make my way to the bathroom. The feeling of releasing heavy, rushing food and liquid from my stomach is the most addicting, comforting and calming release. Most people think vomitting is unpleasant and painful etc....but after years of painful practice, the vomitting if effortless, painless and done with ease....(unless I've eaten too much pizza, bread, clumpy food). The worst part is.....I AM LIVING A LIE! I have this big secret....this hidden side in me that I indulge in. I have to stop this....or else I will fade away. I need help from myself. My plan is to make a healthy meal plan to follow. No diets, nothing restrictive....just a guide! I need my own guidance, my roomates guidance and divine guidance. Living with my best friend can be difficult to hide my disorder from. I told her I am bulimic and asked her to keep to accountable....but then when I have a rough week and turn to my Eating disorder to cope, I choose to use ED and that makes it hard on our friendship because I am sneaking around trying to hide it from her. She always knows when I am struggling. Sometimes I lie, sometimes I dont.

basically i have been bulimic for nearly 4 months. it started because, well frankly, i was trying to eat healthy and smaller portions and my mom was all panicky because she thought i was getting too skinny! and, i was probably headed there, but at the moment i was just near the end of an extremely low, but still vaguely healthy BMI. so, as a means to trick her, i started eating more food (way more than i needed to) and really indulging on junk. but then i got paranoid. and i was like hey, what if i just try it once, purging? horrid, horrid, probably the worst decision of my life. this started around the middle of November. and i was like, sweet, now i can totally enjoy thanksgiving and not gain a single ounce! so i went for it. once a day was minimum. and i didn't even always binge, it was just like the second i thought "hey, this is more than a tiny meal" i got rid of it. and that's how i lived. didn't phase me at all. i totally didn't even consider the consequences.

So, today, my entire family isn't home because theyre at my brothers orientation to his new living facility. That there would have been a green light for me to go ahead home and b/p all night, but not today! I wasn't sure if I could handle being at home by myself, so instead I went for a walk outside after school and now I'm at the library typing this blog. The library seems to be my binge/purge saviour lately lol.
I had a good day today so far, minus the awful bloatiness that seems even worse when your stuck squirming in a chair in school all day and can't *ahem* relieve the feeling in public. For supper, since I'm feeling a little risky today and have a ginormous craving for sushi, I'm going out for Tokyo Express =). It's risky because even though it isn't one of my typical binge foods, it's something that TASTES super good and isn't super healthy or low in cals, so I'm a little nervous. But it's a step for me to take in order to slowly start incorporating less than "ideal" foods back into my diet, in a controlled manner.
How's everybody else doing?
=)

I don't know what to think right now.
Everything in my head is all confused, like when you take a neat stack of papers and just throw them into the wind. There's no order, no patterns, no predictability- just chaos.

I love my friends and I hate seeing the pain that I cause them just by living. So when I pull back into my ugly shell I feel like I'm protecting them, protecting myself from being hurt by their suffering. I can take the pain, I deserve the pain- they don't.
But they they berate me about giving up, giving in, losing hope, hurting them with my actions. So I coax myself back out, pushing myself to talk about everything in my head. Everything I just want to hide.
And they call me selfish when I can't see...

What the fuck do you want from me?!

Why do you push me and love me and leave me and make my head want to explode?

I don't know. I don't even know about myself anymore. So many many people have had far more worse experiences than I have. And I just can't stop hurting. Pathetic.

The further I go into my head the more confused I get. The more I fight this thing (things?) the more I fail, the more I just want to give in. The more I see the beautiful wonderful things in my life the more I realize I suck.

Confused. Confused confused confused.

Am I selfish when I talk about this? Or am I working through it, getting better like they all say they want.
How am I self-absorbed when I say I can't see beauty in myself? I know most of the world suffers greatly, I recognize that.

Part of me wants to rise up from the smoking ruins of the previous me, like a soldier who has suffered and won.
The other part of me want to hit up the vending machine and feed my fat ugly broken body. Wants to run far far away somewhere, and just forget.

I prefer the warrior image.

Now I need to find the proper way to get there: duty- honor- country.

I will be a soldier.

Im so fed up of constantly having the eurge to bp! it just makes me put on weight or stay the same and have spots!
Yesturday went really well and i managed to eat 5 small meals (one every 3 hours) and not bp so i thought it was all going to get better and i could keep it up...
untill today when i had work! and i work with food all day like pasties etc which doesnt really bother me...its when i bring cakes home. i always have because my family eat them and if i didnt bring them back then it would just seem odd to everyone and its just another reason for them to notice. so i brang some home today determined not to eat any but seems as i had to put them away i ended up bping without any controll and regretted it so much after so went to the gym and worked hard.
Its so hard to stop this as its so hard to controll! ive started writting down how i feel each day and what ive eaten that day etc in a little book kinda like a jurnal and after ive bp i write down how i feel...reading it back later on feels really wierd and i wonder why i put myself through it.
i find doing this helps as when i have the eurge to bp if i can i read back through it and even write down how i feel just to get it all out and sometimes it helps me not to bp.
I also find getting out of the house when i have the eurge to bp helps alot...like even taking my dog for a 10 minute walk just to clear my head of it.
its just a few ways i found helps me some days (gradually more each day). if anyone else has anyways which they help to controll their eurge to bp it would really help and be appreciated.
good luck to you all Xx

I've been bulimic for 20 years, with ups and downs. So the question is: why am I still with an ED?
The answer is: I did not want it to go away. I kept ED in a place where I could use it if I needed. It was good to use a purge to deal with my feelings. It was safe.
For the first years I would b/p several times a day, every day. After that I manage to b/p once or twice a week. Then, I would do it once or twice a month.
And then I stopped taking care of myself. I stopped the hard work of getting rid of the ED.
Because I was doing therapy I told myself that I could b/p once in a while. It was “ok”. After all the ED was not compromising my daily life.
After my baby was born things got different. I don’t want to have a disorder. I want to be the best mom she can have. I also don’t want to lie to her in the future about my eating habits, or to my husband now.
That’s why I am here, that’s why I got back to the hard work of getting rid of the ED. It is an extremely hard task, it is something that I need to put time on. As other people already said, this will be the most difficult challenge of my life.
I gave myself 2 years to be completely free. I know that this is not something that will go away tomorrow.
During the next 2 years (I started on January 14th) I will make my food diary, I will talk about my feelings here, I will observe myself, I will talk with other people in the same situation, trying to help them and to be helped by them.
Because I am an expert in my own ED, I believe I can do it. In my case, what is lacking is hard work and the wish to be completely free from an ED.
So, let’s do it!

It was all I could do to stop from crying at my nutritionist today. She saw me for 15 minutes an basically just went over my eating plan with me and asked me if I was eating according to it and then weighed me (yippeee....thank god I don't look). I told her that I do eat at the hours on the plan but sometimes I still binge and purge. She was like "well you won't if you just stick to the plan and don't eat anymore". Like...OBVIOUSLY. This woman is supposed to be an eating disorder expert and all she can tell me was that if I are at scheduled times and according to what was there I'd be find. She said I should be like a parrot- just eating what I have on my plan and nothing more nothing less and not thinking about it.

I was just so upset...like didn't this woman realize that if I was able to do that then I wouldn't even be at her god damn office? It's not like I had been in the habit of starving myself all day and only eating at night or something and then maybe her advice would actually been somewhat insightful. I pretty much have been eating in a more or less structured way ever since my ED started (well...relapsed.)

Anyways I couldn't even talk to her about any of this because I was so upset and had to get back to work and didn't feel like breaking into a crying spell in her office. I didn't have the greatest day after that though.

I have noticed that a lot of us on here have jobs that don't really help us out too much in our recovery. I can't imagine being a waitress or working with food all day. I am a nanny for a 2 year old girl. The winter months have been tough to stay in recovery. I am cooped up in the house all day with cameras on me the whole time. Many days the dad works from home and that makes me nervous to eat. Even though I don't like having him here all day I am finding it difficult to not binge when he is not here. I feel like I am constantly in the kitchen fixing food. I have to fix meals and snacks for the little girl and make my own meals and snacks. I have a hard enough time being in the kitchen fixing my own food let alone having to add on worrying about what I need to fix for her. I also find it triggering because they have a pantry full of things I normally binge on. I try to not keep certain things in my apartment but I can't make them not have those foods. Today it is raining and I had such an urge a little while ago to b/p. I have not purged in 3 weeks but I have been craving a huge binge for a while now. I really don't want to relapse after all the hard work I have put in. I ended up eating fruits and veggies instead of having a full blown binge on junk food. The problem is I am getting sick of having to eat fruits and veggies. I want to have cookies and cakes but I am not ready to add these foods back in. I eat the same dumb stuff everyday and I know this sets me up eventually. What do I need to do in order to incorporate binge foods back in without b/p. I don't want to reintroduce them too early but I also don't want to wait so long to eat them that I b/p on them. I really need some advice soon! Thanks!

So, last night my husband ( of less than 2 weeks!) got a little bit of unwanted insight into my ED when he decided he wanted to bake some cookies we've had in the fridge for months. Well, I had to explain to him that they are gone and why. I think he was a little weirded out. What is wrong with me?