Bulimia Help

So I decided to stay in tonight and of course I binged. My roommates left me and I told them I'd be fine but when it come to that one moment when Ed says binge and I say yes...I rlly need someone to call and talk to.

Would anyone be willing to be accountability buddies with me and exchange cell phone numbers? I have Verizon and unlimited texting.

I am proud to say that I have not purged in over a month!!! Problem is I can't seem to beat this overeating/bingeing. I know it takes time to get it all under control but if I don't get it under control soon I fear the urge to purge will increase even more. I tried not to get too upset about it last month and just focus on not purging. This month my goal was going to be to not overeat/binge especially at dinner. Since Wednesday I have done worse with overeating because I know I have now made that my goal. It just seems like I set up all these rules or goals and then I want to rebel against them like someone else is telling me to do them. I need to have structure and know I can't eat the whole kitchen every night without expecting to put on weight. I don't understand why I eat until I am stuffed every night and then get mad because I do it. Why don't I just stop? I hate feeling so full and uncomfortable and it is definitely triggering. I just feel like recovery has so many stages and I wonder when I will get to the end of this horrible nightmare. I have tried making a time I have to be done eating at night but that doesn't work because I just eat faster to get more in before my end time. I try planning something after dinner but keep eating to stall having to do what I have planned. This recovery thing is so hard! I am not going to give up though!

It is rather sad, I have got to say.

It had been around 2 weeks since my last purge.
I thought I had it under control.
But one visit from mother nature and it all goes down the drain (literally)

Everything came up minutes ago.
It has been a while since I've felt this burning in the back of my throat. Or have seen my bloodshot eyes.

My Dad doesn't understand. He still gets trigger foods despite knowing I go overboard.

There goes another fail.

I was running so nicely before. But then I began trusting myself again, and that has proved to being a bad move.

Lesson of the day: Don't trust yourself until you feel secure again.

Stay strong, people.

and the cravings continue. Got through yesterday b/p free, but only just. I feel as though I'm losing it, I don't trust myself with food or knives and feel on the verge of a breakdown. Arg, I hate feeing this way, it makes no sense and I really don't understand why I can't just be happy, eat when I'm hungry, not use food as punishment or to numb myself from life. So, Sunday, bloody Sunday. I really am not a Sunday person (if that makes any sense) nothing to distract me, nothing to do. I just wanna go back and look at 'those' sites. Like there's anything else that could add to this self hatred that grows inside me. I guess I just feel unmotivated to do anything. And, from my b/p'ing 2 days ago I feel nauceous and ill, yet I STILL want to binge my heart out. I also just remembered about my 'secret' hidden in the back of my closet, great, oh the crazy things bulimia makes you do.
Hhmmm, positives. . . . .

Well, I still made it through a day purge free, had a slight binge, but nothing major, so, thats an accomplishment I guess.
Still coming back to this place and recording things instead of avoiding them, which is the only thing that has made me hold on. Knowing theres lovely people on this site that will understand what I'm going through and allow me to open up and be honest. So, there's another positive.

So, day 3 of re-recovering and I'm not feeling that strong, but, still I won't give up. I'll try and hold on to courage, tho as firestorm said, courage hurts like hell, but its worth it if you keep holding onto the goal, a healthy, positive me once again is what I want. So, here's to day 3 and, hopefully, tomorrow will be better.

I've just been looking up old friends from this website to see how they are, because there are quite a few people who I haven't heard from in ages and ages... it's strange. It's good that there is continuously new people finding this site. But i hope that those who no longer come on here regularly don't because things are better for them.
But at the same time, I feel a bit sad, because I'm still struggling so much with this goddam disorder.
So i'm going to focus on the positives. I have had 20 bad days this year. Out of 79 days. Which is okay. especially considering that I had 10 bad days in a row this March. Last year it was 2 good days, a bad day, a good day, three bad days, a good day, four bad days.... i couldn't keep up the good work. whereas i'm going much longer periods of good eating this year. i'm going to just accept my low cal hot chocolate addiction for the time being.

Since I got caught shoplifting binge food and cutting my wrists Sunday night...almost a week ago, I have been on constant supervision. I know it is good that I can't engage in my destructive behaviors, but my urge is so intense and I don't know how to express myself or deal with my uncomfortable feelings. I will either go inpatient Monday to a nicer private ED treatment facility or Wednesday to the only hospital in my area that deals with ED's.... Chances are I'm going to the hospital, which isn't my first option, but it will certainly do. I just need A LOT OF HELP....but for some reason getting it from my parents in lock down style, make me feel like a prisoner in my home and body. I can't wait to be free from this disease, it doesn't deserve me and all of my attention. It doesn't deserve you either. We are worth the fight, and that's what it's going to be a FIGHT! My guns aren't quite ready but my heart is.

So today I came back from the gym and ate an apple that I had in my room. I was still hungry but that was all the food I had..I then went into my roommates food and binged off her food. I feel like the act of taking her food made me feel guilty so then I binged to stop the guilt. Of course when I was done I was left feeling guilty and I had to explain what I did when she came back to the room. I want to keep my own snacks in the room so I don't take my roommates food anymore but I don't know what some safe snacks would be. Can anyone tell me their safe snacks that might work for me?

Also, this evening I went to taco bell for dinner and ordered the crunch wrap supreme and ate it plus the hard shell taco it comes with. I am not purging and I feel really guilty about eating junk food. I feel like I made a bad decision and messed up for eating so many calories in one meal. Tonight all my friend's are going out because it's Sat. night and I live on campus. I have 3 tests this week and a lot to do tomorrow and I'm tired from the gym..I'm stressing so I feel like I should just stay in and go to bed early so I can get more work done tomorrow. I think in the back of my mind I want to stay in because going out would mean I would have to drink and that would add more calories to my day...if I don't go out I could do a mini workout in the room and burn calories off from my dinner. Right now I feel like I have so many big grades coming up in classes and a big competition and a couple presentations in front of judges. I'm stressing a TON and I want to focus on improving myself and making myself a better person. I don't really care about friends or being social anymore and fun to me is finding ways to improve myself.

I know that I'll never be happy, but I don't know how to change. I don't know why making myself better is all I can do. It's like I feel like I am supposed to do this so I try really hard at this endless goal. Can anyone give me perspective on this or relate?

I'm working for that EXTRA PUSH into recovery. I feel like once I get through a weekend successfully, I can actually get serious about recovering and I really see the benefits of NOT bingeing and purging. Today, I can't really bring myself to do anything. I came home this morning from my boyfriends, took a nap on the couch for 3 hours, watched some tv, ate some lunch, and now my goal is to: clean my room, workout, do some homework, and maybe watch a movie tonight and stay in and relax.

So even though I feel guilty about not getting up and getting going (on a saturday haha), I am embracing the fact that I haven't binged, I'm not fighting the urge to go to the kitchen, I did the dishes and I don't have the feeling like i'm waiting to eat again. So I guess I 'm okay that my day is starting late because I know I'm staying in tonight and I'll have all day today and tomorrow to get stuff done.

Basically, I feel good about today, and hopefully it will carry over through the rest of the weekend and I can really feel like I'm on the road to success. I can always make it Monday through Thursday. Its that Friday through Sunday where I usually fall apart. I'm glad my boyfriend is gone the rest of the weekend so I don't feel like I have to go anywhere, I can stay in, sleep, get some me time in, and organize my life a bit. I think I really need this right now with mid term stress and the weather going from 65 yesterday to snowing today. (gotta love Chicago).

I dunno where I'm going with this blog, but I'm just trying to keep my head on today and get motivated for recovery, being healthy and worrying about the happiness of myself an my life.

I hope you are all doing well! Time to get started cleaning my room! Have a great weekend everyone.

i hate that the last few days have been so out of control.
all my ed friends have recovered or are recovering
i feel like a loser being left behind
i read people's blogs and think "wow X many days/weeks without b/p"
that is so amazing.
i wish i could post one saying that too :(
im going to start tmw. see how far i can go without throwing up.
wish me luck guys

xo

so i've found this website and i am absolutely happy. actually, today is the end of the 4th day of no b/p for me.it's the longest i could do. i've been bulimic for 6,5 years. i'm 23 and i don't even remember what it's like to not to have to think about throwing up after every meal. i used to purge up to 7 times a day. i am beautiful but i was blindfolded by bulimia. i lost 2/3 of my one-day-beautiful hair. my skin is very dry. my face changed. and so on, and so on..
i am married to an amazing man and i look forward to joining him in his country. i live with my grandparents, my parents live in another country.
4 days ago i had a breakthrough. i suddenly started to cry, i could't stop. then i went online and told my mum about everything. she is the only person who knows about my bulimia, i kept it all inside of me for 6,5 years. 4 days ago i decided to finally say 'stop', for the sake of my future kids, my husband, my parents and everyone who loves me. i want open my eyes. i want MYSELF to be back to me. i love her.

i'm feeling extremely great and hyper. it's been 4 days of no horror. i started reading books and watching movies and walking. i eat 3 full meals a day and i enjoy cooking for myself. it's a great feeling when you eat something and you know how healthy it is for your body and how it will make you even more beautiful. and how it won't go down the toilet.

i love myself now. i do not have an urge to binge and purge.
my body and my mind belong to me.