Bulimia Help

For the last year, I was abusing my mother's anti-depressant whose side effect is weightloss. She stopped using it, I stopped stealing it, and I feel like I have really gained weight. I seriously feel huge all the time and I know I eat a lot, but I also exercise for two hours a day (more or less) five or six days a week. I don't feel attractive at all and I really, really want to lose weight but I don't want to go back to super restrictive ways.. I guess this is my body getting tired of being so hard on itself..

I also haven't had my period for almost a year and a half and I feel like if I do get it, I'll have failed because that means I have more fat than I did before. No one will tell me I'm heavier, which is what I need to hear in order to stop eating so much.

When I think about it, though, I know that being five or ten pounds thinner won't make me happy, not even a little. I'll be stressed, pale, depressed, cold and volatile towards my family and friends like I was last winter when I was pretty tiny (for my 5'9 frame).

I just want to feel like I'm attractive as I am. Or that i'm worth a shit. So ready to be over this.

Why is it so hard to be nice to myself??

i'm so tired of hating myself, but i dont know what to do to make myself feel better. being thin isnt the way out. i'm afriad i'm always going to hate myself. th e worst part is, when i seek outside reassurance, i feel like i'm come across as 'crazy' or just feeling bad for myself, but i know this hatred is real. i feel so trapped and alone.

I remember reading about this a lot a couple years ago when my bulimia wasn't so prevalent, and thinking i was only a couple symptoms short, but... reading more today made me realize how bad i've gotten. i am constantly comparing myself to every single woman and i always come out on the bottom.

i'm never good enough for myself.

being at school today made me realize how isolated i kept myself this summer. working out all the time, b/p... just letting myself go on with destructive behavior. i was kind of socially traumatized in highschool and since then have had issues with my peers- i usually get along with older people- so being at school today around all the cool, pretty, SKINNY AND PRETTY girls in san francisco... made me feel miserable. honestly, i feel like the ugliest person on the planet and i dont think anyone could make me feel or think any different.

i guess i'm just waiting for the light bulb to come on and show me that my looks really aren't that important and that i can't really do anything about my stupid face so why get so hung up? it's awful, really, because i'm not even a big fan of "beautiful" people- the guys and girls i find the most attractive/handsome/beautiful are usually a more "real" or "special" kind of beauty... the kind you can really find in everyone...

except me.

i feel like i'm trying too hard to be happy. it doesn't help that i purposefully isolate myself so i can carry out my bulimic behaviors (which have *only* been over-exercising, no purging, thankfully). why can't i just accept my loneliness and myself and my life as it is right now instead of letting what i dont have upset me so much? its so unbearable, being alone and really realizing how alone i truly am. i feel awful because i judge so many people for so many different things and somehow... i either i come out on top or on the very bottom. i'll be alone forever if i cant start accepting and taking control over my life!

I feel like a mess today. Apparently, this summer, I've developed some weird social anxiety, because I got invited to a run-of-the-mill house party and totally freaked out about going. Give, the coworker who invited me is a little wild and drinks A LOT and she goes overboard quite a lot, i didn't feel good about going but i felt like i had to go because i dont go party much (or at all.. i'm such a grandma). So i ended up not going and going to dinner with my very depressed mother who has been drinking more often than she used to, which is worrisome already. i only had two martinis and i was pretty drunk. at least... drunk enough to get the drunchies (drunken munchies) and totally ate my dinner XXXXX CONTENT DELETEDXXX

. i didnt purge and i dont even necessarily consider this a binge, but i was feeling so in control of my eating all day. and i feel like i totally self-sabotaged myself because i was completely aware. i'm just afraid of waking up in the morning and feeling like i have to beat myself up at the gym like i usually do after eating more than i planned. alcohol is awful, and i don't know why i drank in the first place. no more, though. not for a long, long while and NOT in the presence of food. i dont know why i thought i could handle it :(

this happened to me last night. i vaguely remember eating some almonds and dried fruit and alas.. i found an almond in my bed this morning! i know almonds are "healthy" but they're so calorie-dense that i'm afraid i probably ate half a day's worth of calories in my SLEEP.

my problem with night eating is nothing new, but this is a new low for me. i'm even defeating myself subconciously... I think maybe i need a new bedtime routine that doesn't remind me to eat before bed. maybe moving around some furniture, something pretty to look at while in bed might help.

really admitting this is super painful and humiliating. i wish there were a real way for me to feel in control of my recovery without food!!!

This has been the hardest part to accept about my own bulimia. Once i found that i eat because i am lonely and get incredibly anxious because of that loneliness, my ED became another person. I have to push this person away, even though I constantly dream and think about them.

Recovery is lonely because i'm so wrapped up in not engaging in ED behaviors that it's boring to everyone else and i cant exactly say, "i can't hang out because we're going out to eat and i'm not hungry but i will eat if we go out," because... then i seem sad and crazy and out of control. i'm just blabbing here, but i needed to get this out.