Bulimia Help

I B/P YESTERDAY... THE DAY BEFORE YESTERDAY N TODAY N THIS SUCKS!!!
IM NOT GONNA PUT MYSELF DOWN BECAUSE I BELIEVE THAT IVE BEEN DOIN A LOT BETTER THAN BEFORE. I REFUSE TO B/P MORE THAN TWICE A DAY N SOMETIMES I CAN GO A WEEK WITHOUT DOING IT. I DONT BINGE AS MUCH AS I USED TO N ALL I WANT IS A FRIEND. SOMEONE WHO CAN STOP ME N I CAN STOP WHEN WE R ABOUT TO B/P. I CAN GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THE FONE BILL SO I WANT TO GIVE MY FONE NUMBER TO SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP ME. IM NOT A BITCH, IM NOT MEAN UNLESS SOMEONE IS MEAN TO ME :) IM A MESS I KNOW BUT ALL I WANT IS SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO DO THIS WITH ME
BYE :(

I have to be my worst enemy, i was doin ok on january n feb, march was a mess, april's been hell for me.
I thnk this is not about being skinny anymore, for me, but to be happy n i cant seem to find happiness, i try tell myself that its ok to not be super skinny, that i wish i could look like some curvy girls because they look so happy n healthy n then i look at myself n i see someone else.
it has to be someone else, a very fucked up girl, i dont smoke, i dont do drugs, i dont drink alcohol, not even beer!! i dont have a horrible husband n i still have my dad by my side, why am i doing this? what for?? every time im working out all i do is cry :( i feel tired, im tired of this. im tired like i was on december when i found this website, im glad i am tired of this, but im also pissed off! i did so well n then one day i decided it was ok for me to binge.
im so stupid!!!! i thought this website was making me sick!! WTF IS WRONG WITH ME?????? if it wasnt for this website id be b/ping every day. so im here again, looking for support. this is not easy but i wont give up on myself...

oh well///

this months sucked! i b/p 3 times i think no more than 4. n im so glad that i can bounce back after a slip up. i noticed that the only thing that makes me b/p is when im just too happy. i feel so happy i want to eat n eat n then i think that its ok to purge n i purge... so i have to stop doing that, yes im happy! yes i can eat but no im not going to b/p. screw this!! i love recovery, i love whats done or me, my eyes look so bright, my hair looks a lot better n when i b/p i get so mad, i know im hurting myself n i hate it. before recovery i wouldnt even care, i would feel so happy because i was "getting rid of" all the calories n food, n now im happy when i keep my food down. i feel so happy when i tell myself " sooo what! eat that muffin if u want it!! enjoy it n dont even think about it"
i know i still restrict myself from eating some foods at night. i just have to let goooo. i hope i can make it, i did ok for 5 weeks n i know i can do it again. i cant be to weak, i cant let this ed control my life.
lets hope for the best :)
night night love u all

3.20 am, i should be sleeping but i cant stop crying, im so angry, so unhappy, so sick.
decided to start from day one because it gives me a better feeling, im trying my best to be the best. eating, eating n eating! before i was ok, i was in a good mood, wanst arguing with Patric anymore. it was awesome, i really felt like a normal person again n then 2 days ago i binged n everything went downhill, everythng is awful, im that person again! ugggh the bitch that argues, cries all the time n cant stop. im a mess! n ill be a mess tomorrow or in few hrs when i wake up. im going to look like shit from crying. i really hate it when he tells me i dont know anything, i hate it!! when he told me to shut the fuck up i called him an asshole. i dont like no one telling me to shut up n i dont like to call him names.
this bulimia is killing me, if i b/p i argue with him for weeks n if i dont i feel so "normal" i feel like im letting him control me when hes not. i feel like i need to be piss off to be ok the next day.
i dont even want to sleep with him tonight. he reminds me of my mom, ew!
they need to control everything, how i feel, when i cry n then he wants me to shut up?
i dont know what to do. i really dont like to think that im bipolar or something... but i hate these mood swings. i want to be happy all the time, i want to eat all the time n not worry, i want to sleep with him every night n not argue.

Have you ever made a positive impact on someone's life?
I HAVE n cant do shit for mine!!

I came from Fla last night n I just cant stop thinking about 2 of my ex bfs, One of them got into a car accident n is paralyzed, he cant eat on his own or do anything but somehow he keeps saying my name, at least thats what his grandmother told me. he keeps saying we are going to have babies n some other things. n then the other one sent me a msg on my bday telling me that he doesnt hate me for breaking up with him but he is thankful i was there for him when he needed someone.
even tho one of them is paralyzed i know i changed his life when we met n started goin out n the other one was into drugs n alcohol.
i helped them n they changed.
n i just think, ive changed some ppls lives n i havent been able to change mine. mine is a mess, its like im paralyzed n drunk at the same time. im just like them n i feel so hopless sometimes.
how did i change their lives n i havent met someone who can change mine? im so fucked up!!!

im doing better everyday but this is takin forever!!!! im not givin up but sometimes i feel like its too late :(

Thanks because of you I started eating more fruits n less junk, i just found out i like broccoli, mom was right!! thanks bulimia because of you ive been eating n not purgeing for over a month, thanks because of you i know im stronger n i want to become a better person, thanks because my eyes look brighter n my nails are long!! yay!!! thanks because of you i havent argued with my husband over dumb shit. because im learning how to be patient! Thanks because of you i eat veggie patties... i used to gag on them!! i drink water n i enjoy a butter croissant from starbucks!
thank you because i have the feeling i can do better! i never felt this way before, thanks because of you ive found other ppl that care n want to beat this, because now i can talk to my mom without arguing n i try to understand her. thanks because now i can say im sorry... n im learning how to forget. because of you i spend more time talking to myself about how wrong this is to my body n my family. you are like an ex bf, a piece of shit one, the one that calls you names, the one that hurts you, mistreats you, hits you, n lowers your self esteem, thats what you are to me. you are like that ex bf i had, hmmm the one that didnt slap me... no he didnt, he punched me... not once! but numerous times.... yeaaa n i remember what happened to him. bulimia you are like that ex bf, i wish i could call the cops on u, i wish i could tell u to ur face fuck you, i dont need you, i dont want you, you dont derserve to be with me. i wish i could get a restraining order against you, i wish i could do that! but i cant do that when it comes to u ,but little by little i feel like im leaving you behind, your still there. but im trying n im trying n im not going to give up. so thank you!!! im discovering a new person in me, the one that wants to live life... i might fail but i wont give up. i wont!!

Ive been doing good, havent binged or purged on 26 days since the last time i b/p'd but i think im losing it, im eating normal but i feel hungry all the time, i read that most of the time ppl are not hungry but thirsty so i drink a lot of water, but i feel like im eating too much... i dont know how??? i dont know why my body is asking for food all the time. i try to keep it simple, i ate some chinese food today, it was ok, but im thinking about food more n more n i cant help it! i dont know it its because theres food in the house?? if its because i havent been able to move around like i used to. i dont know what to do!! i feel like my ass is huge, i have that feeling n im not going to b/p NO WAY! :( but what should i do?! whats going on?! why now that ive been doin great?! why so hungry?! omg... i really feel like im losing it, im mad because i think im eating just because im anxious? or could it be because im on my days... great! could that be the reason??! idk

So I injured my back... first it was the right side n not its the left side. i went to the dentist today, got my las filling n i cant feel my face LOL when i laugh i look so retarded hehee. i dont know what to do anymore, i havent b/p in 15 days (since the last time i b/p) n i feel happy about that. i was working out too n i think thats how i injured my back so now im freaking out because i feel like im gonna get fat if i dont workout! i need burn all those calories... i was so happy about everything n now im so mad. this afternoon i was making my husband laugh by making all those deedeedee faces, since i look stupid, n he was laughing too n then out of nowhere i felt this sharp pain in my back n i went from LAUGHING OUT LOUD to CRYING LIKE A BABY! he got so scared, he didnt know what to do. he thought i was joking until he saw all the tears.
im so mad!! i want to move around, jump, walk n work out. one thing is for sure, im not going to B/P, ive been doing great, im eating, im happy about my recovery n no matter what im not going to B/P... well i cant b/p because i cant even bend over to puke! so i guess not being able to walk n move is a good thing!! as long as i can feel my legs im ok :D

anyway, i thnk im done... take care everybody <3

After reading sugarmagnolia's blog i stared thinking about what normal is when it comes to food. i know that what we do as bulimics is not normal but what other ppl do is not normal either.
when i go out i see these girls eating everything on their plates, for what i know restaurants give you more food than what they are supposed to. just go to a mexican restaurant, their plates are huuuuge! their soups can feed an entire country! thats not normal! go to Outback, they have a 20 oz steak... n they dont even act surprised when you ask for one! who the fuck eats that?? i tried! n failed so my dog helped me finish it :D
BK has some ginormous burgers, for some ppl its ok to eat that stuff, isnt that what normal ppl do?? HELL NO! we dont have to finish everything on our plates! its ok to leave some food on your plate. i know that it might look like we stopping ourselves from eating... but maybeeee we are stopping ourselves from bingeing. we are worried about gaining weight, i am, but im also worried about my husband n my dad. they eat so much food, they dont gain any weight but there are other consequences from eating all that junk! we all know, diabetes, cholesterol, heart problems, high blood pressure n more.
im not recovered but im trying to understand if what i eat is normal, so i decided to follow my moms steps. she doesnt have an ed but she eats small amounts of food throughout the day. loves vegetables n fruits, drinks water n not soda. shes normal in my eyes. shes not skinny n i love her legs! she doesnt workout but she walks her dog every single day for 15 mts.
i think she knows what moderation is all about. thats what we have to keep in mind, you might see this pretty skinny girl eating that 20 oz steak, she might not have an ed but eating all that is not healthy.
we need to educate ourselves, eat more fiber i guess? dont forget about our servings of fruit n veggies. i hate veggies but i have to eat them! drink more water n give ourselves a big hug!

Try NOT to feel bad if you binging and purge. Research shows that it can take a couple of months of structured eating before the binge urge disappears. thats one of the recovery tips! n i like it!!

i dont like to wait for a miracle to happen! i really want to get better now but i know it takes time, i know im going to gain weight, i know im going to get sick, i know im going to cry and get mad at myself but i want to be me again! Angie... again! i dont want to worry about anythig at all.
i know im going to mess up, i know im going to question myself all the time, im going to be irritated, im going to count calories. im going to have to be patient and wait for my body to be ok.
everything should be ok! when i joined this site i knew i was ready for recovery, im ready and just because i mess up once in while, it doesnt mean im not ready for this. thats what i want all the girls/boys to know when they mess up, we are not perfect, nobody is, nobody has everything under control, thats impossible!!
lets just follow the recovery tips, smile! even when one your teeth hurts ( mine does ugh)
take care :D

*g2g apparently i dont know how to use the dishwasher n theres foam everywhere lol gotta go n rescue the kitchen!! da da daaa!