Bulimia Help

its taking forever! i have such a weird schedule, i sleep all day, do whatever i have to do at night until 8 am n then go to bed. sometimes i dont even know if i just had breakfast or dinner. this is my 3rd day, doing good, but a song made me cry :(
you're not alone- Saosin.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tj0PtMZaWss

this song goes to everybody here. we are going to make it, no matter what happens, im pretty sure that we are going to be ok one day.
hmmm g2g

love yal. gonna wash my face cuz it seems like i cant stop crying. ugh

i just had my first binge in a month. it wasnt like before but i felt so gross, n i had my 6th purge in a month. so that means i did good for only 3 weeks. im so mad, i dont know what happened, i kept saying no, yes, no, yes n well i was hungry from working out so i ate like a pig. im not crying like the first time i purged since i started recovery but i feel like shit. i was doing great n then i felt so hungry, so bored, so annoyed, irritated. ive been eating healthy food, ive been trying so hard n i guess all that control, all that trying made me do this, im pmsing too :( but my period is late... hopefuly is because of all this recovery crap n not because im pregnant! ughhgh! that would be bad, i hope not :)
i wonder if this is going to be the last time, i wonder if im gonna think about it next time, i wonder if im gonna lose the weight ive gained. ive been drinking water, eating breakfast every morning but for some reason like around 10 pm i feel so anxious. this is taking forever.
b/p today felt like before when i was 18 yrs old, it was gross, this is worse than failing a class, worse than losing a friend, im killing myself n thats not good. i hope i learned my lesson. i really hope. i did good for a month, i can do good for 2 months! fuck this, fuck this ed shit, this bullshit is killing me, Washington is so freaking depressing, all this raining i cant do shit, i kinda miss florida, omggg!
i hope i can do better now, i dont want to fail.
im so sick right now all i want to do is cry but i wont.
i messed up n all i can do is not b/p again. i cant get mad, i cant cry, its done.

something has changed... :D ive messed up few times (5) since i started my recovery on the 8th or 9th of this month. i havent binged at all, but im eating again n when i think about what im eating ive learned to say "its ok!! let it go!!"
yes, i still dont think of myself as pretty or fit even though ive been working out but i enjoy working out. my husband has noticed few changes... we dont argue all the time, im not all shy about being naked in front of him LOL
yes, my sex drive is the same LOW.
i go to bed after eating n i dont worry as much as i used to.
im eating more vegetables n drinking more water... i also eat those nachos that i love so much... im still learning when to stop, im talking to myself all the time.
i read a book in 3 days :) last time i did that was uh... like 5 yrs ago?? i was so excited <3
those are few changes, im not going to finish this blog by saying bad stuff about me... i guess thats one of the recovery tips.
maybe 2010 is going to be better, maybe i can go to florida n celebrate my bday by eating all that colombian food that i used to eat all the time when i was little. eat my mommy's food...
maybe my husband n i can have that car we want.
maybeee i can go back to school n see myself with long hair.
maybe but i hope things get better.
best of luck to everybody, yal have a piece of my heart n it makes me happy when i see all the support we give to each other.
thanks n happy new year

im confused with all this... so when i purge im not gettin rid of any calories?? so how come i stayed skinny for 7 yrs... is it because i work out?? my mom is kinda skinny n my dad well hes super skinny... does that mean the reason why i didnt gain any weigh is because thats how i am... im meant to be skinny or average? or is it because id eat something n i wouldnt wait not even 15 mts n id purge??? i started recovery on the 8th n ive purged 5 times since then/ but i havent noticed any gained weigh? i dont own scale so i wouldnt know if thats true. and another question! how do i know when my metabolism is going back to normal? how can i tell?? i dont like to talk about ...poop? so i mean ughghghgh but how often a normal person goes to the bathroom?? every other day? my husband has a fast metabolism n i noticed he goes to the bathroom a lot... i know that because hes so gross he loves to let me know ( i hate that tho) help?? need info

stupid bulimia! sometimes i think its too late for recovery, i spent almost 10 yrs of my life bingeing n purging because i wanted to be skinny, i stopped paying attention to my skin, my eyes, my teeth! my goddamn teeth that my dad liked so much. now i have a toothache, not the worse one tho! i have blurry vision n my dog chewed up my glasses so now im screwed because i dont have insurance... what a xmas! all i can do is complain like a bitch!
now that im trying to eat n be healthy i cant eat shit! im so pissed off. i told my husband about my tooth n he said 'what do u want me to do, wait til we have enough money for all those things" ...... he doesnt know anything. so i said ok. 5 mts later he tells me he'll pay for the dentist visit n for new glasses, so cute the only reason why he said that was because he was playing World of Warcraft n he was dying all the time. i wish i had his problems;
- theres no internet conection
- the pizza isnt hot enough
- taco bell is closed
- his chair doesnt feel right
- his brother doesnt want to play with him
- his job is 20 miles away from home
- he cant sleep at night because my kitten wont let him
- he cant find his headset
- his shoes bother him
etc
thats nothing compare to what im going thru
I CANT EVEN DRINK COFFEE!!!!
ugh!! this fucking ED is drivin me nuts.
im always mad, i piss him off, we argue, i cry, he finds a punching bag n then he apologizes for something that i started :(
he's the only reason why i want to be a better person n i wish he knew.

sry for the grammar... i know...

stupid video games! my husband just bought pizza, chips n coke.. its gamers night n i want to leave the house but i cant. its late n he keeps telling me that i need to eat, i told him to stop but he thinks im not eating enough. he doesnt know about my ED so he thinks that its ok n normal for me to eat like a pig so he thinks im on a diet. i kinda want to tell him but hes such a pain in the ass i dot want to talk about it:D
the other night we were watching pregnant n i have an eating disorder n he didnt understand why ppl with Eating disorders cant stop. i kinda gave him an explanation about it n he was like aaaaaaaaaah i see...
hmmm thats the only answer i got, so far ive been b/p free for 3 days n im trying! im eating n ive been working out using my wii fitness video game lol
i recomend it! if ur home all the tme, doing nothing, bored n thinkin about food, u should buy it. its fun n u dont feel lonely when working out, i also found the fitness chanel on comcast, i feel kinda dumb when watching them but hey! its better than bigeing n u r burning calories.
on the other hand i love when my husband is playing World of Warcraft, he has to stay home to do some runs n get stuff for his toon so we dont go out n eat crap. he doesnt know hes part of my recovery <3
anyway! wish yal the best! i hope i can make it.
g2g

i was so close fro bingeing! so close even my husband noticed it, we went to a mexican restaurant n he knows how much i love nachos, somehow he noticed the fight i was having with the goddamn food, id grab some nachos then id put them back in the little basket n i think i did that until my chicken soup came. i ate everything n controlled myself but then i went home n i wanted to vomit so bad because i could taste the food in my mouth, i brushed my teeth, drank some water, n i think i ate all my mints... still i could taste the goddamn soup... why is this? i didnt want to vomit but i felt like my stomach was rejecting all the food. i didnt binge :( n this is my 4th day! it feels like forever!! uuuuggggh!
i wonder if im gonna be able to make it, id like to be happy again, i envy my husband he was so skinny before he got out of the airforce n now he has gained few lbs still he looks so happy about his belly! lol he doesnt care n i wish i could do the same. im not gona be 23 yrs old forever, im gonna have wrinkles n my butt is gonna get big! one day ill be a mom n my body is going to change n i have to start loving my body. i dont want to die from this, its not worth it, its not fair, one day i'll be ok.