Bulimia Help

Today's been okay, been pretty busy, which helps keep me from bingeing, etc. That doesn't mean I don't really really want to. My husband will be gone a few hours tonight, and I know that I could easily do it......but I am going to do the best I can to NOT do it.

So, I am ready to buckle down and do this. I have GOT to recover now. It's gotten out of hand, I am ready to take care of myself and live. I spent the majority of my 20s with my head in a toilet. Now, I am 31. I cannot spend another decade doing this to myself. I don't know how to do it, but I've got to. I just got married, I don't want it to end. My teeth are chipping, I don't want them to rot out. I do not want to die an ugly, horrid death where my husband finds me in a pool of vomit and blood or of a heart attack. This has got to stop. Now.

So, last night my husband ( of less than 2 weeks!) got a little bit of unwanted insight into my ED when he decided he wanted to bake some cookies we've had in the fridge for months. Well, I had to explain to him that they are gone and why. I think he was a little weirded out. What is wrong with me?

I can't stop. I absolutely cannot stop bingeing and purging! Now, I am weighing myself again compulsively. I don't even care what I binge on, whether it's really yummy stuff or a can of beans. I don't understand this stupid disease. My life is great otherwise, I just got married a week ago to my policeman, Bobby, we had a great honeymoon in New Orleans. The food there KILLED my soul, because it was so rich, but I did better than I would've thought possible. But we got back and I've been bingeing like crazy. I don't want to work out, I don't want to do anything but sleep and binge. What is my problem!!!!!!!! Why can I not stop. I want to be normal, or whatever. But if I let myself accept myself, will I "let myself go" and get HUGE? I don't know. What do I do??????? This is going to kill me and leave my new husband alone and sad, and my mother would not be able to handle losing me. What do I do????

Well, okay. So, I went 471 days without bingeing/purging (I hope that number is okay to post here, it doesn't have anything to do with weight, calories, etc.) and then broke down and binged the other night, 2 weeks ago Tuesday. My therapist had been so proud of me for my recovery efforts, and I feel like I've let her down. I told my friend, Kristi, she's the only other one who knows. Me, my therapist and Kristi. My serious boyfriend doesn't know. I was doing incredibly well when we first started dating almost 9 months ago, and now I'm doing not so good. I don't understand how it can slip back in so fast! It was so easy to slip back in to it.

I actually was not completely surprised when it broke into my life again, because so many other behaviors were starting to creep back in. Body dissatisfaction, obsessively weighing and calorie counting, strict food regimen, etc. So, it was truly building up. Then, some quite stressful, freaky things were starting to happen, and I just did not feel as though I had the strength to take anymore, I had to have my comfort and stress reliever back in my life, at least then. And, of course, after the first incident, it was almost impossible to resist the urge to do it again and again. Arrrggghhhh!!!!!!! I want to start into my recovery again, but I am having a really difficult time getting back the motivation I need. I know this disease is going to kill me if I don't kick it and nip this relapse in the bud now. I feel dizzy, I've had a headache for 3 days, and I have absolutely no energy. I feel completely weak, and I do not want to feel that way.