Bulimia Help

I have posted on here so many times in the past to moan and just rant because I felt so unhappy, out of control and in physical pain that I felt I should post something on here when I feel better aswell.

For the first time in a long long time I feel in control of this disease, I think I am at something like 4 and a half months binge purge free and I don't have this overwhelming urge to get rid of my food anymore. Now it might just be a little thought at the back of my mind saying "go, quickly get rid of your food, it does'nt matter" which has realy become easy to say NO to and then not even thinking of it again.

The bloated tummy has completely gone. I have money in my bank account again - amazing how many so called "luxury" food items I can now afford seeing that I don't have to bulk buy to binge anymore. Ok, ok, I'll admit to it, I have actually not been saving ALL the money but having lovely non food related shopping sprees and spa days, difference being that I am now spending money I have and not going into the red on my credit card to finance an addiction.

I am on a healthy calorie controlled meal plan, with the occasional excersise session when I am not too lazy, and feel like a little kid again, just experiencing all these different tasting foods all over again. I've realised that I quite enjoy experimenting with flavours and foods that I normally do not/have not eaten before. I am actually not that attracted to the foods I used to eat anymore - I think this has helped a lot, heaven knows I have probably eaten more of it than a normal person will in their whole lives.

The unhealthy weight gain I had, is busy falling off slowly as I am sticking to my correct portions - I have in fact never had such a healthy approach to food and weight loss as I have now. I am finally learning what the correct portion sizes are all about. My weight is under control.

I feel absolutely horrible, I just want to cry or sleep I am tired, so damn tired and emotional, with no idea why. So I had a truly horrible afternoon at work and this month end is going to be horrible. I am stressed because I know I’m supposed to study. I have two more weeks then I have to register for this semester or just admit to the fact that I probably will never finish my studies. Like everything else in my life I get near the end just to not follow through. Grimm I know, but I need to get it out.
Fact is, nothing more to be stressed about than any other day. So why do I feel so bad. On Monday I started checking my portion sizes, I have to get my weight back under control, I think I have been doing it correctly. In fact I think I might even have been consuming a little more than I should have, but acceptable amounts, so can this be the reason? I know I always used to feel tired and emotional while I was b/p, but I was doing things right – I think. Or maybe my feelings never were because of bulimia, everything in life can’t be food related surely. Food can’t always be the cause and answer of everything.
Maybe it’s just nothing and it will pass in time, probably wake up tomorrow and feel great, or not, who knows. Surely life is not supposed to be like this?

I have realised that recovering from bulimia has so many stages to it - it is not as simple as kicking the binge/purge habit cold turkey. (Like I thought)

I think I am on the right track, earlier this week I wrote to someone on here that I have not purged in 7,5 weeks, but last night as I walked past my calendar something made me stop and look at it, and I saw it is not 7,5 weeks, by tomorrow it will be 10 weeks. That has to be a sign of recovery? It is not like in the first couple of weeks where I just prayed for it to be time to go to bed so that the urge to purge could just go away, or that I was religiously marking of every day before I went to bed. Not purging has become so easy, not giving in to eating too much (not really binging, simply eating to much) now that is another story.

I knew I have gained a lot of weight, hardly any of my pants fit me anymore, I find myself digging for long forgotten baggy and shapeless clothing to hide behind, not wanting to be seen by anyone anymore. I have a family gathering in 4 weeks and I want to crawl into a hole and die, they can't see me like this. Anyway last night I decided to weigh myself to quantify the added centimetres (believe me this is not a trigger for me, my clothes becoming tighter and tighter is what's doing my head in), I have gained a stone, no wonder every seem on my pants feels like it is ripping. To say the least, my confidence has taken such a knock. Becoming a hermit is looking more and more appealing to me. :-/

I really can just not take this anymore. Mr B's voice is becoming loader in my head every day as I get more desperate.

I have been b/p free for 6 weeks now, I've overeaten probably 3 times (just overeaten, not binged) in all this time, and have been eating what I thought was healthy and balanced meals. Now I don't know anymore.

I have gained so much weight, or let me rephrase, I have gained so many centimetres, my clothes are about to bust at the seams!! (I HAVE to wear it, it is what I have to wear for workI don't care what the scale says, to me THAT really is only a figure, but not the figure on my measuring tape, THAT one matters. This is not water weight or something like that, it is simply fat. I have always had a healthy bmi, sometimes towards the lower end, but never below, now I'm just shooting over the middle. My full on bulimia weight was a relaxed fit, I never could wear tight fitting stuff, but I was happy at that weight.

I'm too scared to start calorie counting; I know where that will end me up.
I have started exercising 3 to four times a week, nothing too drastic.

What am I supposed to do....advice please, are there any recovery veterans out there?
I am at a loss here...is this normal, how long will this last? Will it end, surely my body should have adjusted by now?

I am so upset at the moment, I hate the way people treat me...I feel like such an outsider to life. It's a Friday night and I'm sitting at home blogging to not b/p.

I live in a town where friendship possibilities are very limited, so I have this one friend with whom I do most things, we've known each other for something like 5 years or more I think. Now she asks me to go with her to a thing tonight, an outdoors buffet stalls type thing, and I did not actually want to go, because I was scared I might be too weak to resist a binge once we are there, but I felt bad for her wanting to go out so I say yes. Even though I was stressed about all the food that will be there.

Twenty minutes in she gets a phonecall, turns to me and asks me if I would mind if she just gets all her stuff for her tickets now and leave because her boyfriend has arrived. She knows how I feel about being stuck alone at an event, and she dares ask me such a question! So ofcourse I say " no really I don't mind, you go, no really you can go I will be fine" she knew I was just saying that, she knows me well enough to know it is a lie. She knew he was coming for the weekend and could not just tell him to wait for twenty minutes, or go on home so long, he knew she was at this thing. At that point I just drifted off in my own direction and did my own thing, I did not even say goodbye.

I am so pissed off and hurt, I actually don't even want to see her again, but to my luck I give her a lift to and from work every day and I got her a job at the company I work for. To talk to her about this would be a waste of time as she knew exactly how I felt about what she did, and she would just say whatever I would want to hear because she always tries to avoid conflict, even if she has to lie to achieve this.

I went to a show tonight and just wanted to share a beautifull line with all of you, it just made me realise that I can be strong and overcome this illness even though I don't always feel that strong.

"SOLID STONE IS JUST SAND AND WATER AND A MILLION YEARS"
Beth Nielsen Chapman

I have been doing very well for the past four weeks, not even a binge, but for some reason all I want to do at the moment is go into my kitchen and start eating everything... I went the cold turkey route for quitting and eating healthy and balanced meals. I did not have cravings nothing...but now I want to binge and that I can't allow, I know I will end up purging if I do that and I will be done for it.
I seriously doubt my ability to commit again if I fall down. I should not be so hard on myself, I know, but still.

I just don't know what the trigger is, I had a nice relaxing weekend, I have the day off tomorrow and will be going to the city with a friend for shopping and a movie, so no stress right!?

So now I'm on here just waiting to be able to go to bed so that the day can be over. Arghhh

I'm on my way to bed but first have a question...I had a couple of glasses of wine tonight with some friends, and usally when I have that one glass too many that I know will give me a hangover the next day, I used to go and get sick to get rid off it(sorry if it is gross) and thereafter stop with the alchol for the night. Tonight though I was too scared to do it, because I don't know if it counts as purging? I am almost at one month with no binging or purging. I don't do it often, maybe once every couple of months, but I don't want to fall back into the bulimic trap.

So my question - is it ok, or is it purging? I don't do it with food, only to stop a hangover the next morning - and never too the point where I don't know what I am doing?

Today is the end of a very busy week at work, it is very stressful with deadlines to meet and just too many people to please. So every month as soon as I am done, my ritual would be to hit the grocery store on my way home to buy everything edible to relieve the stress, the next day would be various take aways, basically enough to feed a small family for a week.

I did'nt tonight, I made a very healthy meal with lots of veggies, which I was actually craving for, had a little sweet thing for desert and am now just relaxing.

Yayyyyy I did'nt and wont this weekend either - and I am happy with my meals and feeling satisfied with no "bad" food cravings.

O and I finally started going to the gym this week too, well I went three times, with work I could'nt go every day - I am actually not as unfit as I thought.

Live is better without spending all my time between the kitchen and bathroom. I was scared about this trigger and have made it, now I just need to make it over the study hurdle.............

Today I am just feeling tired, not relapse tired, just tired. I have not b/p in 20 days and I'm super happy about it, but today this recovery weight thing is just getting me down, or is that angry? I have been eating healthy and was expecting weight gain, but still, come on! I wear suits to work and the whole day I was just aware of how tight my pants were (definitely can’t afford to replace my whole working cupboard)...to top it all I've been sick for the last week or so and could not really do any form of exercise (not over the top, just the normal recommended amount) and I'm still not feeling better, I'm supposed to start my gym membership on Monday. This was my plan to get through the recovery weight phase, healthy meals and healthy amount of exercise, now what?

The first week was very difficult, the second and third ok, but from next week onwards I think my battle will start up again like in the first week. From Monday I have to start studying again(major stress factor), it is my busy period at work with a few late nights and this sore throat and earache does not want to go away so that I can start exercising and work on the weight gain and get some endorphins going.

Arghhhh...how long is this supposed to last!!!!!