Bulimia Help

The past few days ive not been binging on food but cant stop having these massive juice & milk binges. Last night I drank 2 litres of cranberry juice plus chocolate milk. And Today I've done the same. I dont know whats up with me !!!!!

I hate the week before my period so much. I binge normally but when it comes to my period the binges are massive. I literally want to eat the house. I feel so bloated. I havent purged as ive kind of said to myself this must be what my body needs but im not convinced it does. Anyone else like this & any idea why i may be feeling this way ?

I've just watched the video back of me binging & purging ! I done it because i wanted to see how i act whilst going through the motions. It was soo strange. Whilst binging I looked like I wasnt even here i wasnt present i just stood there stuffing my face while my eyes kind of looked vacant & glazed over. It really is weird having an addiction to food. I steal food all the time from my family/friends. The purge didnt look as bad as i thought it would although it was quite disturbing the way my body looked whilst wretching. Sorry if this is triggering to anyone btw. It gave me an insight into what actually goes on. Even though we do it all the time i feel like im numb whilst doing it & not thinking about anything. its like my brain stops fuctioning and freezes. Looking back on it whilst thinking normally is really strange.......

Soo I have read up alot about binges and most of the things i read that people binge on are chocolate, cakes/pastries, fruity sweeties, Ice cream & cereal. I am the opposite & binge on crisps, Bread, Cheese, Butter, Rice, Noodles, Chicken goujons and pizza! lots of pizza! Anyone else like me or am I the only one ?

I'm sitting here minding my own business. Last night my cat was sick after eating these little treats & theres still a stain there. My eldest brother knows im bulimic & just walked past my door and shouted im going to eat loads of food and make my own contribution. Then my other older brother one went christ we've got another one. We've got a bulimic cat. How insensitive is that ?? I FUCKING hate them. I feel like walking out right now. Or cutting. I really want to cut. WHY cant people understand how horrible this is ?!!!

God tonight has been so so awful. My throat is stinging my eyes are watering and my breathing is really wheezy. I am battling an addiction to food ! Why food ? God of all the things i could choose i go for food :( & to make matters worse my brother came in with two tubs of cookie dough icecream & put them in the freezer & left them there for later!! I have no control when it comes to chocolate or anything sweet. I literally ran out the kitchen and ran to my room otherwise I would have eaten them there & then. ahhh this is a bloody nightmare.......

Great. I've gained like two stone by trying to stop purging as I'm still binging. Now its like I switch between bulimia and just pure binge eating. I am now in the overweight category & feel like shit & I just binged because I was unhappy about it. My weight is all over the place I can lose 2 stone in three weeks sometimes. How unhealthy is that ? I also gain weight superquick. Its a never ending battle with my weight.....

Emptiness. Perhaps the only feeling I have right now. Can I even call it a feeling ? Even when I am stuffed full of junk food I still feel empty. Numb & absent. Life is just passing me by day by day. Each day I tell my self it will be different. I'll stop binging. I'll stop purging. Does this ever happen ? NO. I have failed at life. The days of being good at school are no longer. I dont care about getting good grades. I dont care whether I get to university or not. While every other girl I know is sleeping with boys & getting drunk at parties I sit in doors and drown my sorrows with food & vodka. Food gives me comfort the binging gives me a high whilst calming me at the same time. The alcohol numbs the never ending pain. It makes me numb to all emotions. All feelings. I zone out & forget about everything in life. All the bad shit & the pain. The next thing I know i wake up 8 hours later with a hangover not only from the alcohol but a severe headache from all the purging. The cycle starts all over again. What kind of life am I living ? I've stopped going to school. I've stopped seeing friends. I dont want this life but im stuck. I want out but cant get out. I need guidance. I need help I want somebody to care for once about me. I may aswell be dead. I am living my life like a dead person. The once carefree popular happy girl is gone & is replaced with a depressed, Unmotivated, Worthless, Pessimistic girl. Where did it all go wrong ? Why did i have to be the one to end up fucked in the head ? Why did i have to get this shitty eating disorder? This has got to end. I NEED this to end....

Fucking hell. This household is an absolute nightmare. I hate my brothers soo much evertime i go to the kitchen im followed. Everytime i eat im watched. My dad is a moody self centred person and I always seem to annoy him with something. My mum is always unhappy.Sometimes I wish i could just catch the next flight to the other side of the world. I am surrounded by so many people yet feel soo extremely lonely.. I want to feel beautiful I want someone maybe to look at twice me rather than ignore me. My mum always says im just as nice as anyone else. There is alot of evidence that she is lying. Everytime i go out with my friends (which is very rare) they're the ones who get chatted up. They're the ones who get the boyfriends. What do i get a brief hello and the men are off. just the sight of me must put them off. I feel so unloved. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. I hate this life. I want a relationship but it doesnt look like that'll ever happen. I didnt think i was soo extremely ugly that noone would even talk to me !! Anyway its not all about looks but everyone wants to feel attractive dont they? Dont they ?ahhh i give up......

No. Not again.
After about a month and a half of doing good this evil thing decides to just come back. I often wonder why me? Why the manic depression? Why the self hatred? Why the feelings of worthlessness & hopelessness & most importantly why have i given up the will to live? But I realise its not just me. There are so many people on here feeling the exact same. It still seems unfair though that all the girls I know close to me are normal. I dont think I've ever been genuinely happy. I can't remember the last time I was happy. I think I know why I have so many problems. As a child I was always afraid. Always afraid of the world & of my father especially. He would beat me and throw me against the wall I have vivid memories of shaking when my dad would come home. When would the next slap be coming? When would the tears pour?
Also the bullying about my weight. Oh god that was awful truly awful. Its been in my head all these years. The voices telling me im not good enough & not thin enough.