How NOT to be nice
Being in recovery is realizing that you are not the sweetest person in the world. It is actually good to be cranky and moodiness, to cry and shout and argue, because it means that you are expressing your feelings and not using food to numb them.
At the same time, I know that I can hurt people I love because of this.
This weekend I hurt my husband’s feelings. He has been working a lot and I am by my own during the weeks and weekends. I have no friends in this country. Besides my husband, the only person I can talk with is my 2 months old daughter.
I am being supportive about all this work stuff, but on Sunday I just “throw up” in him, saying terrible things. I told him that I felt no pleasure in the date we had in the night before.
Guess what? I was lying, I did it to hurt him, because I was missing him.
So, what I really would like to say is “I love you so much and I miss you…”
I am glad that I was able to realize it, even after blowing up. After the argument, I told him I was sorry, that the truth is that I was missing him and I needed more time with him.
It seems simple now. Saying “I am sorry”, “I miss you” and “I need you” was all I needed to not binge and purge. Or to not "throw up" on people I love.
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You binged. No problem, recovery takes time. This is normal. This is to be expected. Continue to work on structured eating and your body awareness.
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I go for drives sometimes and just scream and cry and yell whatever I'm feeling. I feel so good after! I hate that I take out my frustrations on the people I love sometimes, I belittle them and argue with them and cut them down. I think it's to make myself feel a little better, like a bully. It's not fair that I do this to them. I feel like I keep so much inside me that when something triggers an emotion in me it explodes out of control.