Losing my love for kids???
I have always loved taking care of kids but the last year or so I feel like it is just a chore. Growing up I was always the girl holding all the babies and kids have always naturally warmed up to me. They used to be the love of my life and I enjoyed every minute with them. Then a few years ago my brother and sister-in-law decided that I didn't need to be around my niece and nephew because of my issues with the ED. I was devastated for about a year because they would not let me even see them. My mom started praying that God would take my love away from them so that I would not hurt so badly. Then once they started letting me see them again my love wasn't there anymore. I am now a nanny for a 2 year old girl and I love her very much! The problem is I don't enjoy working with her with her for 12 hours straight. I have really not been happy with my job during the winter months. I am cooped up in the house all day with cameras on me, and a lot of times the dad works from home and is in the same room with us all day. I feel so stressed out with all of it right now. I often wonder if I don't work with kids in order to feel safe. Most of the time kids accept me and I fear rejection. I am wanting to pursue a different career but I am so scared of change. I have decided to finish my time with this little girl and then I am seriously going to consider a different career path. I want to go back to school and get my Masters in Counseling. I want to have more adult conversation and also start helping people. The little girl I take care of now is the first child I have loved in a long time. I don't know if anyone else experiences this but I have had a hard time feeling love for people ever since this ED started over 10 years ago. A lot of times I just won't feel anything. I am scared that if I do ever get married and have kids that I won't be able to love my children. I just don't want taking care of children to feel like such a chore and a dread anymore.
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Hey,
Maybe if you have your own kids it would be different.. actually chances are it likely will be. I'm not sure how old you are.. but you know how they say at a certain age your maternal clock strikes and you really want a baby? maybe you're not enjoying the other children because you want your own, so it's causing you to not be as happy? I'm not sure though, i don't have kids, so it's just something to think about
As for having a career change, if you feel it's the right path it may be a good alternative! Just don't be scared of change, change should be viewed as exciting, opening new doors, expanding yourself and your skills etc. I know having bulimia change scares us really badly, but I can honestly say now since i started recovery i welcome some changes and it makes me wonder where it's going to bring me!
I hope you feel better! It's been sounding like this job's been giving your a lot of stress, especially with the dad there all the time!
xx
I am 28 years old so I am definitely at the point in my life where I desire to be married and have kids of my own. The problem is I have stayed isolated in my ED for over 10 years now so I fear that I won't ever find the right man to spend the rest of my life with. The good thing is a lot of women aren't getting married until later in life so maybe it will work out for me too. I have also always had a desire to adopt so if my biological clock won't let me have kids then I always have that as an option. I am trying not to get too discouraged with being single because I would consider adopting as a single woman later in life. I just want to be loved by a man so badly sometimes. I realize in order to attract the right kind of man I will have to love myself unconditionally first. So for now I am not looking for anything but hoping it comes when I am ready. As far as kids go I think I am just tired of taking care of other people's kids. I want to raise and love on my own child. I want to be called mom and go to their sporting events. That is what I have always desired and it scares me to think I may have screwed it all up with this ED. Anyway, I don't know if any of what I said made sense or not but that is how I feel.
No it made complete sense. I'm glad you're working through recovery then, so hopefully you can achieve all of this. It sounds like you are still capable of loving kids though, so you haven't lost it :)
As for adopting, that's great, I would definitely do the same thing.
Don't be scared of facing what's out there. Think of the friends you've made throughout the time you've had bulimia. After all even if you do meet a man, it's like having a really close friend that does love you unconditionally (with some other effects obviously.. but the emotions are deep).
That's just my opinion though! I thought I would try to get you thinking about it a little bit! I say we should do as much as we can in our lifetimes. I defiantly want this ED to be over with so i can stop focusing so much on food and just live/love my life more.