Bulimia Help

I've been thinking about recovery, considering it's on the fore-front of my game at the moment. I want to lose weight. I keep wanting to lose weight.

I was looking for a photo yesterday to send to a friend of mine, y'know, the hurt funger one, because it's funny. Anyway, I saw loads of photos from, oddly enough, August/September/Early October whist I was at the low low end of the Xstone spectrum - I got annoyed. I got very annoyed and partially reminiscent. I need to focus on my work this week; it helps me keep focused. One of the main reasons, other than the fact that Bulimia just makes me fat and overall, my calorie intake during recovery is less, is for my work. I can't go to Uni and give it my all, enter competitions or produce my best work when I'm tryign to starve myself and failing. I know it.

So this is one way I can cope with this.

But that's the point. Since I've been eating more I have a desperate need to up my exercise, and instead of just thinking and dreaming abou it, I've started a committment. I'm doublign it, although that does translate into just 3.5 - 4 hours of exercise each week, which isn't at all excessive or anything but my thinking, whilst I was swimming this morning was, 'I'm burning calories. I've not eaten yet today and I'm burning calories. I've not even started my day for real and I'm exercising, and that's good. That's brilliant!'
SO I swam and swam and swam and then I swam some more getting out at the last minute and making myself late for College because I didn't want to get out. It reminded me of when, in Yr 12 and I was skinny and doing the most exercise I've ever done in my life, when I used to run to the local swimming pool during free blocks instead of studying.

It's not an excessive amount of exercise though, so it's OK. It's just my attitude that is still in the old ruts, but maybe, over time, that will change. I don't know! I want to lose weight though. I do so badly. If I could just make it to X sodding stone! *Le Sigh*

OH well, at least, like I said, my overall calorie intake is less when I'm eating like this rather than when I'm bingeing. That's a motivation. In fact, I think that possibly is THE motivation.

Argh, I NEED to lose weight. I know though, that if I ush too hard I will only binge and bingeing causes the absolute polar opposite of weight loss, therefore, for now, eating a massive seeming xxxx calories is necassary.

I've still not phoned the EDS centre to end our relationship. Damn! I'm too chicken shit scared. I've been meaning to since last Wednesday. I May do it tomorrow, and if I don't during the session on Wednesday, although, having said that, that was my intention last week and it didn't happen and I have a feeling I will just put it off week after week until we're meant to finish up. Argh! Tomorrow I will phone them. I WILL!

I still want to wittle my calories down after I've overcome the urges to binge and puke. HOwever, that may change as I get healthier or further down the line. As it is though, I'm just trying to stop bingeing so I can lose some fucking weight - hence to doubling of my exercise regime!

I'm just eating healthily!

Sorry I forgot to blank numbers and weights! Mental note: must make more effort to do this in future!