Bulimia Help

backgroud: my bf dan has a best friend (john) who is awful. john has slept with my bfs old girlfriends while dan was dating them, pulled the handbrake on while he was driving so dan got arrested, and last month he used dan's ebay account to sell stolen things, that nearly got dan kicked out of school. understandably, (i think) i hate this "friend". dan promised me he wouldn't come around to our house, but broke this promise last week. when john is here i feel so upset i fear i will have a panic attack, and my eating becomes erratic. this morning i left dan a letter asking him to only have john around when i was out (i work fulltime). dan refused, saying i was not to control him and that i should think of living elsewhere as it is my problem, he has forgiven john. i was only asking as it was affecting my recovery, not to be spitefull. i am now seriously considering moving out- am i being unreasonable??

please, i need some help with this one

i don't even really know where to start with this, i just think i need to vent. this week is feeling like a major turning point with me. i have been following intuitive eating since early september, but the last week its like its all clicked into place. my hunger is back which is just so so great- i thought i had stuffed my metabolism forever, but after just a month or so im getting hungry at every meal time, and im eating the most "normally" i ever have in my life- i eat whatever i want, whenever im hungry, and my desire to binge has pretty much completely gone. im also really enjoying exercising- actually having energy from eating carbs makes it a hell of a lot more fun! i have gained weight, but i knew i would. i thought it would be the end of the world, but somehow its not.

so now that im not covering everything up with food, thoughts of b/p, restricting etc, my emotions are coming back in a major way. its scary. its really fucking hard actually. they are hitting me hardest after work, when theres no food or people to distract me, and its like i feel everything super intensely. happy becomes like im on drugs, an off the cuff remark can upset me for hours, and i feel like i want to explode if i get angry.

so its been two weeks without a b/p and while this is good progress i feel my ed has so many more sides than just b/p - obviously this is a big part of it but i feel to truly recover there are other issues that need addressing. in the two weeks that i haven't b/p i have found myself indulging in other behaviours that i don't feel are healthy/helpful and i really want to get serious about this.

therefore, my recovery goals are

- stop restricting.
i have been doing this for about a month now, but lately have been starting to restrict a little after gaining weight. i know logically that this is just going to drag me down if i let it continue.

- follow intuitive eating.
this has been going fairly well, but recently i have noticed that i am trying to ignore my cravings which leads to overeating. ie- i feel like icecream, but instead eat fruit, then yoghurt, then toast, then get annoyed and eat the icecream. if i had just had the icecream to start, i wouldn't have eaten everything else, and felt truly satisfied.

- address grazing
i have found that i have days where instead of b/p i tend to graze all day, which seems kind of like a slow binge. i am learning the tools to deal with this, and this is slowly becoming less frequent.

- let go of guilt
after eating i still find myself feeling guilty and counting carbs, looking at the day as good or bad. this is total bulimic mindset and i need to remember- its just food, and my body needs it.

and finally...
- be kind to myself!

i realise this is a long list, but for me i don't feel ill be truly free unless i can get a grip on all of these behaviours. right now im off to practice my final goal and treat myself to a coffee in the sun!

so i feel like i had been making progress lately, had a few times where i am able to walk away from things that previously would have triggered me, been home alone and not thought about food, etc.

then all of a sudden, like clock work, every second tuesday i b/p. for the last two months its been the ONLY time its happened.aaah!

tuesdays are the start of the week for me, also we are one down at work every tuesday so my boss turns into super bitch. however, its not something that i feel really phases me... not enough to turn into a binge anyways.

does anyone else get these "clockwork" type binges? the rest of the time i feel fine!

so today, after two whole weeks of not b/p, a binge came out of nowhere and took me out. i am going over today in my head, trying to find a trigger, the smallest reason, but i come up empty.
was just another normal day at work. started up with the bad habits not long after i got to work, too much coffee, which made me feel full and yuck, then started picking at things, then was left alone to close.
well, that was it. as soon as i was alone i started picking at things, things i would never usually go near. after doing this for a while i went to the bathroom to be sick. i hadn't locked the back gate of the cafe, and as i was making myself sick i heard someone walk in. terrified it was my boss i cleaned myself up and walked out shaking. it was a customer. relief. i told her we were closed, shut the door, and continued vomiting. my boyfriend wasn't there to pick me up yet, so i started picking at food AGAIN. then my boss really did walk in.. i had no reason to be at work, as i had finished nearly an hour earlier, there was food on the bench and vomit in the toilet. brilliant. i managed to get over my shock and say something about my bf running late, ran and cleaned the toilet and cleaned up.
i have no idea if she noticed anything, or thought it was suspicious. if you don't know about eating disorders, i guess you wouldn't really click. however i am now so ashamed. i don't want to be caught, i HATE this part of me, it is making me a liar and a theif and a coward and im SICK OF IT ALL!!!
i just want to be well.

so today was the worst day i've had since i signed up here.

things have been really stressfull at work, two of our staff members are off sick, which leaves me and the boss running the place.. not fun! as well as being stressfull and busy this involves me working 10 days in a row which as you can imagine has me feeling pretty exhausted.

yesterday i woke up feeling crap. i cried before i went to work, and i knew it would be a tough day. the whole time i was at work i felt out of control. i didn't binge however i did all the behaviours i had been working so hard to stop (drinking too much coffee, picking at food, skipping lunch). the whole day left me feeling bitterly dissappointed in myself .. back to square one i thought. so straight after work i marched off to the mall and made myself sick.. even though i probably just threw up coffee.

i am trying my best to turn this around and look at it in a positive light
- i didn't binge
- i WAS exhausted and my defences were down
- i was doing this everyday, and now im not

however i just come back to feeling like a failure.

so yesterday i realised just how effective bulimia is at numbing painful feelings.

after breakfast i decided that not only did i want to quit b/p i also want to rid myself of my bulimic habits, ie drinking excessive amounts of decaf and snacking on apples when im not hungry: granted these aren't major health issues but im sick of all aspects of bulimia and refuse to be a slave to any part of it.

just coming to this conclusion was enough to have me in tears.. now the hard work begins.
usually after work i would lock up the cafe alone and b/p but thankfully ( though i didn't feel it at the time ) my boss stayed on and dropped me home so i couldn't b/p. sitting at home, not letting myself give in to my old habits i began to have feelings i hadn't had in forever... completely overwhelming and i cried until i fell asleep.

now it is another day and i am determined to follow through. i know this can only get easier, and resolve from now on to sit with my feelings, no matter how tough.

we are strong x