Bulimia Help

Two years ago, I put an end of one of my worst anorexia episode. And, for the first time, I swiched to the evil bulimia. To be honest, the last two years, I sickly and secretly wished my anorexia to come back as I wanted the control back of my life. Funny... Ana doesn't give me control of my life at all... It was my ED talking to me.

But hey, I have my self-control back now and I'm not anorexic. I'm very proud of myself. I had 6 bad days so far this year... I don't even think that I had 6 good days last year... So I come from far!

But now, I think there is still something wrong with me. I'm not anorexic anymore. I'm not bulimic anymore... But I'm still obsessed by food. In 2010, I became vegan. (I'm not activist but I have my beliefs.) I actually think that being vegan "cured" my bulimia as I sort of make peace with food... healthy vegan food. But now, I think I'm slowly "going down" again. The scale is back in the bathroom, I carry my food journal everywhere and started counting and counting and counting calories again. Damn! I haven't lost control (yet!) but I'm questioning myself. For example, three weeks ago, I moved to a raw vegan diet and, of course, I'm starting to lose weight again. So I'm asking myself: Am I still recovering? or slowly going back to my old self-destroyed habits?

I'm reading Gaining right now. I'm half-way through the book. It is very very good! I totally recommend it... It's about life after an ED. Anyway, she talks about another type of ED... orthorexia - obsession of healthy food. Maybe I just switched to another ED again...Crap!

I did it!!! My aim was to reach 25 good days in January. It's day 26 day today. This is amazing!!! I feel great! And, I'm not struggling! Yup, I still have binge urges but I know that I can trust myself, be my best friend every day and change my focus on good things in life. I never thought that I'd say that but recovery is starting to be a fun journey. LOL

I've been challenged quite a lot this month. The worst of all my triggers is my dad. We don't talk to each other. When he decides that he wants to talk, it usually triggers a binge. He didn't call me this time but I believe he did worst... He called my mom last week. He said bad things about me but also bad things about my mom...! I thought of running at the grocery and self-medicated myself with food. That would have been a quick and easy fix. But hey, for how long, right? I wasn't going to screw up my good work like that. So I decided to let go by writting in my journal. It did work for a few hours but then came the insomnia... Instead of getting up and start "clean" the fridge, I thought all night of a solution. How can I fix this? How can I make things better? Finally I decided to write to my dad to tell him how I feel. It wasn't easy but I did it. I'm proud of me as I found a better solution. I didn't hear from him since... It's ok. This is what I want. I'm glad that I did it. I don't feel like shit like I usually feel after a b/p. The huge to use food to self-medicated myself is gone and now I sleep like a baby. :)

I have to be fast with this post because it's time to get ready to work! :) I just want to say that I'm better. I only had 3 bad days so far this month. I put a smily face in my calendar every time that I've been good - no b/p. :)

It's smiling a lot more this month! Very encouraging! I just want to share with you what help me... It's very simple and I believe that it has to be simple... I'm just doing my best to be my bestfriend everyday... No bad talking to myself is allowed. That's amazing how it changed me in the last 2 weeks. I'm just analyzing my thoughts and I asked myself - Would I say that to my best friend? If not, then I have to stop saying it to myself and change my way of thinking. Bad thoughts aren't me. They are from my disease. I'm fighting them now. Anyway, not sure if this post makes sense. I type it very fast but I really have to go to work now. Stay strong! :)

It's time to change my own rules because I'm not getting better. I found my resolutions for 2009 (Yup, last year) and well, recovery was the #1 on my list. This is sad as there is not much improvement... And I'm trying!!!

Yup, it's time for a change... I have been thinking about it the last few days. My issue with food is not what I eat or how much I eat... Deep down inside me I know what my body needs and I know my real hunger. Yup, I can keep trying to control my portions and try to stop myself when my body had enough. It's so hard! I'm mentally exhausted! Each meal and snack are challenges... Why? Because that's not the real issue... I haven't work on the real problem yet! And, that's why I'm not getting better! I'm a food addict... I use food to escape from my reality/life, to self-medicated myself, to shut up my brain when I'm worried about everything, etc.

Meal plans are often useful but what I really need is a new thinking process in my brain. I need to change my way of thinking big time! I need to stop seeing everything black or white, stop procrastinating, stop thinking that I'm a failure, stop trying to do everything perfectly, stop being a bitch to myself. Because I'm a real bitch! That's horrible all the things that I say to myself everyday. I beat myself down all the time. No wonder why I wantt to shut up my brain... I'm harsh with myself. But food is just a temp fix!

Since I woke up I'm fighting an urge to binge... It's the middle of the day now and I didn't give up YET...

I made myself a smoothie this morning to calm my urge. Usually it works but today it didn't. Alright, so I read a book for 1 hour or so to change my mind. It didn't work! So I went back to bed... Well, it got worst... It was time to get out of the house... So I decided to go shopping until it passed. Damn... I just spent $300 in the stores and the urge is still there!!! Arg!!!!

Yesterday after work I stopped at the organic grocery store. I didn't want to because I had a b/p in the morning and I thought it would be better to starve myself to compensate for the mess... But I knew it would be wrong to starve myself so I thought it was safe to stop at the organic grocery store as there is not as much trigger food there. I bought a few things for the day and today. Then, went home and told myself that I'm just gonna eat the chicken wrap. At that time I was fine (in control) but when I started eating I completely lost it. I ate EVERYTHING that I bought. Damn! I hate myself! Now I have no food! What should I do? Starve myself all day? or go to the grocery store and start the same vicious cycle? It's the first day of 2010, I don't want to scrap this day. 2010 is my recovery year! I don't know... I tend to think that starving would be better as I don't feel as much guilty compared to when I b/p. I know I will lost it again if I go get something. :(

This will sound stupid but I thought I was almost recovered because I had a few days under control. Ha! Ha! I wish! I really thought that I was on the right track I even bought some trigger foods and it stayed in the fridge/cupboards until... well, this morning :( Yup, I just screwed up!

But I know why this time... You see how weak I am...

I went to one of our other offices yesterday to train a new staff member. It was great! She was funny and smart. But I can't stop thinking of how skinny she was. During training, I just told myself "Hey, some people are just born like that... It doesn't mean that she has an ED." I actually told myself that a few times to comfort myself. At lunch time, I suggested to take a break. She told me that she doesn't usually eat at lunch time. I thought "There you go, girl... You're busted! You can't eat healthy and maintain that very low weight at the same time" But I played dumb and asked her you must had eaten a big breakfast... She said that she drank 3 cups of coffee for breakfast because she wasn't hungry. I thought "Yeah, right... I've been there... so I know you're full of shit... Same lie that I used to say every day." Anyway, I just leave it as is and move on on something else.

Bottom line is: I'm weak! It triggered me! I screwed up day 6. I feel fat and I think I should starve myself like I did in the past and get back to the weight that I was. I know I shouldn't think like that to recover. I'm actually going to put myself down again. Then what? I'll have to stand up again and I bet it will be harder. Argh! Don't know what to do/think. I'm so confused with what I want... :(

I am bulimic because I want to be perfect, make everything perfect, please everyone... But I will never be perfect and I can't please everyone everytime.

The pressure that I put on myself makes me sick. As long as I'm trying to be perfect and please everyone, I'm gonna be sick. Hey, I'm not perfect but I'm doing my best everyday. This is what matter the most! As long as I'm doing my best, I should be happy of the results. Anyway, who really want to hang out with a perfect person? How annoying it must be!

Now that is said, I need to accept myself as I am. I'm not perfect but I'm a not a bad person or a failure or a looser or a fat cow... I'm a good person because I'm trying my best. So let go the pressure on yourself. Break free! Enjoy life! It's time to learn from my mistakes to reach the next step: RECOVERY.

I think if I stop overeating I will stop purging. Now, how am I gonna do that? My worst triggers right now are at work. It's Holidays time! There are goodies everywhere in the office: chocolate, cookies, nuts, cheese, you name it... I'm not hungry and still go get some goodies. Why? I have no control. How can I stop myself? Please help! If I can control these "urges", I swear I won't purge!

What a crazy day! I haven't stop at all. We were short in staff today so I ran all day. Good thing is that I don't think as much about food when I got days like that. That's good as peanut butter and crackers are free for everyone in my office. I know this is terrible...

Hey, I have passed day 1. It wasn't easy and I almost give up... I did overate (again!) and ran to the bathroom but somehow I have stopped myself and said wtf... went in the living room, opened my books and studied for one of my final exam. So it was really really really close but hey, it's gonna be day 2 tomorrow. :)

Like I said yesterday, I had nothing left to eat after my weekend binges. So I had to go to the grocery today. Well, I waited all day, called a friend to come with me and made a list of items to buy. I did buy more than what was on my list but it's all fruits and veggies so I don't really care. It helped me to have a friend. Grocery isn't a safe zone but with my friend (who knows about my ED) it was easier. Did you notice that the Christmas goodies are everywhere and are so tempting? Of course, you did! We all fighting the same shit. Anyway, I resisted the temptation and now I feel stronger because of that. Good night, guys! Stay strong :)