Re-recovery- Day 3 -failure
Despite an overall god day yesterday, today has been a disaster from start to finish!
I binged, and binged and couldn't purge properly.
I feel tired. The worst thing is I have no motivation to do anything!
I know that I need to do something to address this problem(sitting on the bathroom floor crying is not normal right?!?!), but I just can't seem to turn this all around.
I DO want to, but my actions don't suggest that~
The longer I stay like this the more weight I am gaining. I don't understand why that fact alone doesnt make me not want to eat~
I wish I could understand the mind. It must be really cool to study something like psycho/neuro analysis~
I suppose I need to think about what I am doing, but I have no energy for such deep thinking...aarg! catch 22!
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I completely understand where you are coming from. I, too, am gaining weight and am so upset over it, but I still continue to binge on crap that I know is going to make me gain, even if I purge afterward. I also have been trying to get help. I log onto this site every day. I see a psychiatrist for medication and I tried acupuncture last week; but I still have this little (actually LOUD) voice in my head telling me I am not trying hard enough and that I am a failure and I'm selfish and I'm not working hard enough to get better. And just like you, sometimes I feel like I don't have any energy to think about getting better or to talk about it. Thank you for your post. It is good for us to recognize and speak (type) out about this stuff. Perhaps one day soon it will make the difference.
"Ever since happiness heard your name, it has been running through the streets trying to find you."
you did not, and are not failing. you are learning to cope with a powerful illness. you are not a failure, you are a sensitive and courageous soul to be on here.if you slip up sometimes, if u do all the time-this does not make you a a failure. these are just very challenging lessons that take time to learn. as long as you are drawing breath, able to communicate your thoughts, and believe- something is working. please nourish yourself and give yourself permission to eat, of course you are hungry-youre alive. let that be ok. your gonna get thru it. all of your struggles are not in vain. eventually something will click and you will fight this demon with joy and faith. believe me, i have been where you speak of so many many times, and i've sunk low enough that i have learned something in that hopelessness that i can't put into words...i promise this will come for you-you will reach a place of calm in the face of this disease, and then the change begins. even tho i still go up and down, somehting has changed, and i don't stay in as long. it is fading, and doesnt hold the power over me that it once did.
Labile and Kachina,
Thank you for your understanding and words of encouragement.
x
B