Bulimia Help

I know this site is a "Safe place" where we can come to share our struggles and offer up and receive support, but as I approach the end of my 18th B/P free day. Also 18th day of completely structured eating and no ED habits I feel fragile and easily triggered by any if not all posts no matter the content. Is this normal, and will this dissipate as I start to find more strength in my recovery? I would really like to be able to use this side as a positive outlet and tool in my recovery,

You guys. A couple weeks ago, I was arrested for shoplifting binge food at a grocery store in my neighborhood in my area. This was my rock bottom. My dad yelled at me, deserving of this, I was. I slit my wrists. The next day my therapist strongly recommended inpatient. Being arrested sucks, I regret what I did. It was wrong, but I think it saved my life. Being in treatment has given me hope of a life free of bulimia and any eating disorder behavior. I know it is not a magic pill, but the intense therapy and structure is catapulting me on the fast tract to recovery. It is hard, but my urges are getting to be fewer and further between. I will step down to intense day treatment next week and do that for about 3 weeks. Guys, I know it's scary to leave work or school or friends or family, but what kind of life are you living with bulimia ruling your every act!? RECOVERY IS WORTH SACRIFICE! You will thrive beyond your wildest dreams if you just take the step to ask for help. I hope you do.

Right now there’s a fire in my belly. 2nd day in rehab and I’m starting shit. The fire is in my belly because I don’t want this ED. I don’t want to be associated with these bitchy ED girls who don’t want to give it up, but would rather reign the highest on the hierarchy of the ED kingdom. It’s bullshit to be pouty and mad all of the time. It’s bullshit to pick for 30 minutes at your food that should be eaten in 10, when all you are doing is staring at it or at everyone else’s. IT’S FOOD! Eat the fucking food and move on with your day. Deal with your issues like everyone else, or better. Deal with them healthily. Cry, talk, create. You have the power inside you. Don’t succumb to the insanity that you must starve that you must binge that you must purge that you must hurt and be hurt. YOU DESERVE LIFE LOVE HAPPINESS SADNESS and all emotions in between. You were made to feel not succumb to the nova cane your ED provides. CRY LAUGH. Smile. Be glum, but not because you were made to be by some sleazy eating disorder that only means to suck your life, right out of your very flesh that is beginning to fail to hold you up. STAND RUN SPRINT through all your finish lines and be thankful for your legs. Thank your buttocks for connecting your legs to your torso and thank your torso for housing vital organs. Thank your arms for praising God.

So, today is my second day in treatment. I feel pretty darn safe here. There are some triggering girls that don't want to let go of their ED, but I've decided to not let them affect me. This inpatient stay is about me and my recovery. This was this best decision I have made in a long time, and I know it will be a long hard road. I am already learning things about myself and recovery that can help me in the real world. I know recovery is not perfect and I have to really accept that. When I get out I am definitely sticking with an outpatient treatment team because last time, I thought I didn't need them, and I relapsed big time. MY LIFE IS WORTH A HARD RECOVERY AND SO IS YOURS.

I'm on my 3rd day of no purging, If it were up to me I'd have b/p at least 4 times by now, but thankfully my parents aren't letting me out of their sight. I hate having to pick what I eat. I always choose the same "safe" concoction. It's fine, but I bet anyone else would gag to have to eat it for every meal. I fell full and bloated. I used to be so good at restricting...which I know is not a good thing. Anyhow, these days, I have to make myself stop eating. And of course I can only eat so much before my parents notice I'm binging. I had a bad bulimia dream last night. I swear this addiction is the devil...sneaking into my sleeping vulnerable mind. I WANT FREEDOM!

Since I got caught shoplifting binge food and cutting my wrists Sunday night...almost a week ago, I have been on constant supervision. I know it is good that I can't engage in my destructive behaviors, but my urge is so intense and I don't know how to express myself or deal with my uncomfortable feelings. I will either go inpatient Monday to a nicer private ED treatment facility or Wednesday to the only hospital in my area that deals with ED's.... Chances are I'm going to the hospital, which isn't my first option, but it will certainly do. I just need A LOT OF HELP....but for some reason getting it from my parents in lock down style, make me feel like a prisoner in my home and body. I can't wait to be free from this disease, it doesn't deserve me and all of my attention. It doesn't deserve you either. We are worth the fight, and that's what it's going to be a FIGHT! My guns aren't quite ready but my heart is.

I feel such shame and self loathing since i've been arrested for lifting binge food. I already felt these feelings before but I would use the rush of stealing and binging and purging to stuff the feelings. I have been under pretty tight supervision, which I'm thankful for, but I feel I need an escape...it's so hard to just sit an be with myself and my feelings. I am glad I got arrested. What I was doing is wrong, and I needed to receive the consequences. THEY SUCK, and I for some reason can't get a hold of my lawyer, but it's going to be okay. I have learned my lesson. I am going to start inpatient at a hospital in my area....I wish I could go somewhere out of state with beautiful surrounding environment, but recovery isn't a vacation right? I'm so ready to get my life back on track, but I am so scared to be raw (without my destructive behaviors to help me cope). Eating disorders are horrible. I'm letting it eat me.

Last night I was arrested for shoplifting binge food at a local grocery store. this is the second time i've been arrested. I posted my own bond and my mom picked me up. I'm so scared and ashamed. I feel so alone. My dad is so angry with me and I understand why. He's a lawyer and he sees "punks like me all the time" He helped me the first time but this time I'm on my own. After my dad yelled at me last night I ran up to my room and started slashing my wrist. My mom ran up and stopped me. I want to be dead, but I couldn't do that to me mom. It would be the easy way out, but I am so low right now. I saw my therapist today and she said I need to go inpatient...As much as leaving "my life" scares me...it's not much of a life and I need the constant supervision. I feel so alone. Please let me know you are there.

So for about the last 2 weeks about every other night I wake up and without thinking EAT! I either have a mini binge and pass right back out or binge and purge...at like 2-5 in the morning. What the hell does this mean, I'm practically half asleep when I do it. Does or has anyone else experienced this and does anyone know what the cause is? I mean, I know I use my ED to cope with stress, anxiety and pretty much any emotion, but what kind of stress or anxiety do I have right when I wake up? I know I am a lot more anxious after the fact, that's fa sho.

On a better note...My insurance made a single case agreement to cover a lot of money for me to enter the IOP (intensive outpatient program) in my area. It's 3 nights a week for about 3 hours. I start tonight! ohhhh...and since I have been anticipating starting, I have been REALLY engaging in my ED behaviors ie B/P like mad multiple times a day....kindof the last meal mentality, but it's a really bad cycle to break.

Thanks for reading my ramblings you. I really appreciate all of you and your courage to fight this battle. I have the utmost of compassion for you and I pray for our recovery's fruition.

I shoplift my food. I am so ashamed.