Bulimia Help

So It's 8:53 pm, my time, and this lame, lifeless blob of bulimic havoc I have become, lies drained, and in bed for the night. I'm 20. I'm supposed to stay up late and do fun shit, be careless about some things. Don't get be wrong, I'm glad my insight about life goes deeper than that of most people my age, but what good is my "wisdom" if it's constantly puking up ungodly amounts of matter. Calling it food would be to dignify my enemy, the binge.

I haven't posted in a while. BECAUSE I'VE BEEN SUCCUMBING TO THE DISEASE. Like it's freaking bitch. 3 times a day.... I look like a hot mess. noo...a distraught mess. The weird thing is that I've been getting help. I've started seeing a dietitian and therapist, and hopefully my insurance will make a single case agreement for me to enter an IOP in my area.

I keep planning these lavish b/p sessions with the justification that since I'll be getting better soon, I've gotta go out with a bang! HOW VERY FOOLISH. That is the enemy screaming out loud, and I believe it if I don't think about it long enough.

I'm feeling bloated, and I WANT to restrict tomorrow. "just tomorrow, then I'll start my meal plan." THAT has been my mentality for the duration of my ED, why do I think for a moment that THIS time it will work. IT WON'T.

Despite the discomfort, tomorrow I must go forth with my new meal plan given to be by someone who makes a living helping people with ED's. This is the smart logical thing to do. I am scared, but a little bit of scared has to beat a lotta bit of lifeless, miserable me.

Thanks for putting up with all the capitalized words. You guys have my love.

last night I got wasted. I was feeling a bit beer full this morbing, but for some reason, onstead of restrict or b/p, I decided to start my structured eating meal plan. I just had my second snack of the day and I feel iffy. I am proud though and I really hope I can make it through the day. No more drinking should be my new motto again. Itls too tricky to balance my head when it's bouncing off the walls. Anyway, I think my body is thanking me for the food I've let it have today.

I hate what it's done to me. I hate the way I treat people when I am under the thumb of it. I hate the way it makes me look. I hate the way it fucks with my body. I hate hate hate bulimia, but I LOVE binging and purging. It's my drug. It's so embarassing. Binging is so carnal and barbaric, but it helps me cope. I don't do my hobbies I used to love. I don't date like I used to, I don't have close friendships. I don't participate in causes or give of myself. I am in love with the behavior that wants me to die and is killing my slowly. It's a bad boyfriend, like someone on here once said. At first, he was smooth and comforting, a great escape and answer to all my stress and torment of life. Then quick as can be he was controlling and hard to leave. This relationship has lasted too long. I need to flea and enter the witness protection program so he can't find me.

So. Last night I looked like a malnourished Ethiopian. Of 5 months preggers. I had binged and purged, to my knowledge most of what I had eaten. Bad to do I know I'm trying to kick this bulimia thing. Anyway, I was so "ravenous" on the way to get food that I ate all the sugar free coughdrops and sugarfree mints in my car. It was a lot. I suspected that might have caused my immense bloating and utter discomfort, and I was right. I looked it up and sorbitol and asperatame (artificial sweeteners) can cause bloating and gas. NO WONDER eating 30 caughdrops with sorbitol made me a mommy to be. So the reason I'm posting this is not to encourage or discourage certain binge foods to avoid bloating, but it's for all the people who are suffering bloating while abstaining from B/P. If you are that person and experience bloating it may be due to sugarfree products (too much) that contain sorbitol or methalenanine (aspertame). Just a word of advice based on a horrifying experience.

The past couple weeks have been disheartening to say the least. Average 1.5 b/p sessions a day. I am still striving for recovery. This is my ultimate goal, but everyday I find myself giving in to my urges to binge and purge. So much that instead of using tools to help me combat these evil urges, I make plans to carry them out. I more or less justify before hand with a quick thought of "itsokaythiswillbeyourlasttimebecauseyouarestartingserioustreatmentsoon". Of course you all know the cycle...the more you give in the shittier you feel the harder it is to resist urges. DAMN IT.
Damn fucking bulimia. It's stolen my soul. I have no grasp of myself or my worthiness to really LIVE life. I would be pretty if my face wasn't so fucking swollen all the time. I wish the girl who though this would solve all her problems 5 years ago would have known what she does now. I would have friends and my boyfriend would still be my boyfriend and not my ex. Who fucking knows. I DON'T, because I keep giving in and I at this moment feel sorry for me, I feel sorry for all of us. This isn't fair. IT:S HELL, LONELY. I need lock down to keep me from my behaviors.

I hope the storm really does precede the calm....because my bulimic behaviors have been dominating like mad. I keep acting and convincing myself that I have to have a good b/p because it might be my last. HOW STUPID! I am about to start intensive outpatient treatment and I will be paying for a lot of it, so I hope the money let alone the god sent treatment is some insentive for me to actually fight my urges. I've just been letting the temptation waltz right in my mind lately I let it get so far, that I feel the only way to rest is to feed it. Then, of course, like my logical mind knows will happen, the urge is stronger then next time. \
I am still hopeful, I have to be, otherwise, what's the point in trying to recover. I must believe I can do this. I must want this. I DO. I Want FREEDOM! I can't just expect my treatment team to do the work for me. I have to fully participate in my recovery.

As I'm sure we are all aware, the longer we engage in bulimic behaviors the harder it is to stop. Largely due to the chemical pathway we have paved in our brain that uses our behaviors to release serotonin (the naturally occurring feel good chemical). Studies say that it takes 90 days to repave the pathway, meaning 90 days of B/P free behavior.

Thinking about it that way seems so overwhelming. Everyday I try my darndest to start fresh, and do what's best for my body and soul, but as soon and I experience any emotion, it seems like, paired with any degree of hunger, I will B/P without giving it a thought. I JUST WANT TO FEEL BETTER FAST. And of course the good feeling lasts about 5 minutes maybe and then I feel much worse than I had to begin with.

See I know all of this, and I have created this cycle, where I avoid fighting the urge to B/P. Today I will fight the urges. It will be SO HARD, but I know that getting through the urge will be worth it at the other end. Every time we/ I say NO to behaviors the pathway gets a little less paved. It takes time, but all we can do is take it a day/moment at a time, because looking at the BIG picture of what recovery entails is far too overwhelming and daunting. For me it is.

So ladies, I encourage you to join me today in the glory of starting fresh in each moment. There is hope for us yet, we just can't lose sight of it. We were meant for freedom!

So today is the culmination of all my Bulimic downfall and what sort of treatment it will take to get me living again. I've tried for so long to do it my way, and have failed miserably each and every time. I cannot do this on my own, in secret, my way.

My parents confronted me yesterday, as lovingly as they could. I am so grateful for them. I felt ashamed, but I know they weren't trying to shame me. Shame is a consequence of this illness.

So this morning, my mom and I are seeing my Psychiatrist, and letting her know the depths of my ED. TRUTH TIME. We are going to ask her what kind of treatment I need to kick it, in hopes she will help us get my insurance to cover some. DAMN insurance. I wish there was someone in every insurance company with a history of an eating disorder so they could realise the importance of treatment and the detriment of and eating disorder. I need a little compassion here. To go inpatient at a "cheaper" option would be 20K. YEAH right. That's just not in my spectrum of possible.

I do need help. I am nervous, and a little excited to get rid of this, but I am scared of the hard work, I'm ready but intimidated nonetheless. So, I will certainly update on the outcome of this visit to the doc.

My heart goes out to all of you. We don't deserve this monster that has taken our life. We are all precious and worthy of living free from ED.

So I've binge and purged all but one day in the past 8 days. Before that I was doing about once every 2 days for about 2 weeks (average). That was good for me. I was able to stay positive and keep my head in a forgiving and recovery state of mind. Although I am still into and yearning for recovery I have let these past recent days get me discouraged. Yesterday was particularly horrible riddled with 3 b/p sessions and fatigue throughout. I managed to withhold a b/p at bedtime, and for that I must commend myself, but that's the hard part. It's hard to believe that I have done something good when I have done so many bad things.
The point is that I must continue in recover no matter how many lapses it takes before I can fully stop my ED behaviors. If I fail to forgive myself then what is the point. If I have no hope then there is no hope. Today is new for me and for all of us. Each moment is new, a chance to learn from our mistakes and grow and strive for a free journey in life. We must beleive we are in this even when we succumb to ED behaviors and forgive ourselves however many times it takes. We have to believe the light is there and not far from us. KEEP TRUCKING! I know I must.

today is new today is new today is new.....

I am so grateful for you all. And if you don't have so much hope right now, I believe in you.

So I've been tracking my progress in a journal. And this whole week I have gone 1 day without binging and purging and last night I started my period. Does anyone feel like the week leading up to your period is particularly harder that others to stay in recovery? My period makes me uber emotional. Just wondering if anyone else had their period affect them negatively or positively even.