Bulimia Help

The past two day's I've really tanked. Two B/P sessions each day. Last night's was painful, to say the least. The crazy thing, is I think my biggest trigger to do it is so easy to fix. I had been in the habit/pattern of B/Ping every night for almost as long as I've been bulimic. It was so easy to B/P at night though. My room is upstairs, and the bathroom just a hop away. My parents shut their door and turn on a fan when they sleep, so I didn't have to worry about them hearing. I could also "take a shower" and do the dirty deed in there. This convenient set up made my f**ked up activities easy to get away with. then I hit bottom and started making real efforts to stop my bulimic behaviors. Luckily for me, my dad began construction upstairs which involved demolishing the upstairs bathroom, and gutting that area, causing cold to get in and heat to escape easily. Because of this temperature situation we sealed off the exposed area (temporarily) and began using our fireplaces to heat the house instead of the furnace. In this case my parents had to leave their door open at night to let the heat in. As silly as it sounds...This arrangement made it very inconvenient to B/P and it really helped halt the pattern of my nightly B/P sessions. As construction progressed they insulated the gutted upstairs area and reverted back to the furnace heating the house. Thus, my parents close their door at night. I didn't think it would effect me, but the past two nights their door has been closed I have taken the "go ahead" to B/P.

Ultimately I feel weak and disappointed in myself, but I am going to do something pro-recovery, something I wouldn't do if I weren't really trying to make recovery work...I AM GOING TO ASK FOR HELP. I know it seems small but for me it's big. Today I am going to ask my mom to keep her door open at night, because it helps me abstain from B/Ping. I think she'll be grateful for my honesty, and hopefully it helps.

So, since I've begun this new, honest messy recovery process for myself, I have been giving encouragement to those who are maybe not as far along as I. Not that I am very far along anyway, I just feel I am in a good spot with acknowledging what recovery takes and am prepared to fight the good fight. So when someone relays the message that they are discouraged or hopeless because they just binged and purged, I am so quick to say that it's okay; "you are still in this" "recovery isn't perfect," "forgive yourself, and know each day is new," Etc.

Well that's easy for me to say when I have been b/p free for a good stretch of days, because I feel semi-good and very hopeful. But for instance, last night, when I B/P into the wee hours of the morning, I found myself very discouraged and hopeless. "Piper! If you can't make it four days without BP, how do you every expect to fully recover?" Thoughts like these invade my conscience. I try my hardest to take the encouraging advice I so readily give others, and am getting better at actually believing the fact that recovery actually is not perfect ie; B/P free. (although eventually that is the goal).

So I'm sure many or all of you can relate to this, being hard on yourself. It's too bad we can't treat ourselves like we were our best friends. I retract that "can't". We can, it's just a long process of getting there for me.

As I have begun my recover, I feel like the opportunity to hang out and talk with friends is presenting itself more and more. It's hard for me since the past 5 years I've been so fake and hidden from them. None of them know the depths and darkness of my struggles with Bulimia. I did, what I thought, was a pretty good job of faking a smile. Now that I am facing my feelings and being more truthful about where I am at I am scared to be honest and get into it with friends, even though I know they will be so compassionate and accepting (some). Other's I feel I want to avoid, as I know, by no fault of their own, just don't understand, and usually say something that I would rather them not. It's hard to talk to people, and I know that's what my ED want's. He want's me to isolate, and it's hard to resist. It is always a battle for me to actually just hang out with a friend that cares about me, because I know they will want to talk, and honestly I want/need to talk. I am usually glad once I breech the wall of resistance. I feel as if I fed my soul and not my ED. Anyway. I'm trying to put myself out there and reconnect with friends and family, because I wasn't meant to be alone.

It's so hard. It's hard to be alone with food. It's hard to listen to my physical hunger as opposed to my soul's hunger. I am so thankful to be in this position rather than B/P everyday. It's just BAHHHH! Like every unplanned second I'm manic trying to find things to do. I resolved that I won't drink alcohol, or abuse meds, so there's no where to go but my head. I have to acknowledge and cope with my true feelings. Rough stuff that I'm sure most of you can relate to. I also have to come to terms that i'm going to mess up. Binge or purge here and there. It's hard to forgive myself or not compensate somehow. Every "day one" seems to be the most grueling. Keep pressing. That's what I tell myself, and all of you. We are worth it.

Piper

I sit here full from a healthy breakfast and a pot of coffee. I decided the coffee makes my physical urge to purge too intense so I am going to begin to taper off to a cup. I am going to yoga at 10 am.

The point... This shot at recovery is promising yet frustrating and rough. I've been bulimic for 5 years and for the entire duration have sought recovery on and off. In my own way of course. Usually that meant ditching the B/P and replacing it with some other vice; ie: restricting, over exercising, alcoholism, sex, shoplifting....basically anything detrimental, but in my mind if I wasn't being bulimic, I was in recovery. I would be more social, and the physical signs of bulimia (puffy face, gray eyes, swollen glands would subside) so I could make others believe I was doing well. I could only keep these these things up for so long until I crashed. And back to bulimia I would quickly fall. Most of 2009 I had significant B/P episodes daily 1,2, or 3 times a day. A night time B/P was mandatory. I sort of hit one of many bottoms early december of 2009 and decided I'd try some meds. Something I though I was above, and couldn't possibly make a lick of difference, but I resolved that foreign chemicals in my body were probably better that the damage I was doing to it daily with my bulimia. The first week I continued to B/P at about the same rate, but tried my hardest to make sure the meds were in my system. Slowly I felt a difference. I was able to talk myself down from ledges, read, breath, feed my soul, instead of stuff my face.

I thought I appreciated this site, but never so much until it was "gone" for roughly 3 days. I really value the community of people who struggle with this generally hidden and secret disorder called bulimia that bulimiahelp enables us to partake in. I have been rigorously journaling and tracking my actions towards recovery in the past couple weeks. I am b/p about 45% of what I had in the past 5 years. This is huge. Every minute is a challenge, but every minute is new. TO ALL THE BEST. You are in this...Recovery is not perfect. I have to believe that.

At 3 am like clockwork (lately) I woke up. Head foggy from the crying or exhaustion of emotions that put me to sleep. I stood in the middle of my room scanning it with groggy eyes. I could of gone back to sleep. I was literally looking for something to fill the void in my soul.

This is how I have been living my life for 5 years. Wether it be bingeing, purging, restricting, exercising, drinking, drugging, or being promiscuous. And as terrible as this may sound, I think I have been using my boyfriend of 2 years to fill an "acceptance, love, sex void"

He treats me better than any man ever has. He loves me exclusively. The relationships would be healthy if I were. Maybe.

I do love him, but I abuse his love for me. He couldn't fathom the extent of my bulimia. He knows about it and lately I have been sharing more with him. He worries, and wants to help but either I or him can come up with much besides me calling when or after an episode.

As I have been doing better I have found our aspects of our relationship to be triggering. My readings or misreadings of his intentions throw me into irrational thought patterns causing anxiety. Our unstructured time and unstructured eating causes anxiety. His food habits cause me anxiety. His comments or lack of comments about my appearance cause anxiety. Having sex causes emotional disconnect and confusion...leading to anxiety.

As I have been doing better in recover this void filling has become more apparent along with the things in my life that trigger me. I use him for comfort and something to make me feel not alone. The comfort is as fleeting as the spooning or snuggling.

I don't know if I made the right decision, but I ended it. I need to do what is best for me right now, and though it hurt like hell and I cried something ugly, I am trying this. I need to change the patterns in my life. This one I am sure, although comforting at times was another vice I used to escape my true feelings.

I am scarred.

I suppose I had a good start to the morning. I went to bed at 11 pm after a B/P. I woke up at 6 am and did the PILATES core challenge dvd in my room. (yoga and pilates are a huge part of my recovery...So grounding). Then I took a shower, ate what I have every morning for breakfast and had a my morning pot of coffee. During my workout I felt feelings of guilt and shame coming to the surface, I think I may have suppressed them. Suppression= explosion of emotion later. I refilled my scripts over the phone and will pick them up after work. I work 9-5. I don't have a plan for lunch. Maybe salad bar at grocery store next to my work?

My workplace is kind of triggering. It's a high end salon. I am the only massage therapist and the rest are mostly stylists. Like, the most gorgeous women in the midwest work there? how did that happen. They're tall, slim, vibrant. Some are curvy, bubbly and vibrant. BUT there is so much negative energy with the gossip and drama among them. I am glad I have my own peaceful treatment room where I can decompress. Anyhow. It's the weekend. I want to go to church tomorrow. Maybe see my boyfriend tonight, but I know if I do I will drink and that always screws with my body...and mind.

I hope you ladies have bearable weekends, and if you've lost hope or have little I hope it finds you in your darkest place. It's there. It really is. Sometimes I don't believe it, but after 5 years of battling this monster it continues to show up. I know this is a despicable disease, but I know I am going to come out a stronger woman than I could have ever dreamed, and so will you. Peace.

Be Well,

Piper

I did it. Just Like I knew I would. I spent all day making a beautiful soup. Sometimes if I spend time making food, I appreciate it enough to enjoy it and not scarf it. Not so tonight. I did enjoy one bowl with my dad. Then we watched the 2nd disc of the first season of Glee. He went to be. Then I headed for the pantries, and what was left from a previous binge that I didn't finish. I cannot be alone! But when the urge is unbearable I have to be. I want more for me. My sustenance demands more. I have a job, that depends on my health. I want to be hypnotized. I want to have a spell put on me. WHY DID I EVER THINK THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA. I want to scream to all the girls in the world to never stick it down your throat! You aren't outsmarting the system, and you won't stop after you lose the weight. I wish someone told me, and yet, I may have still done it. That poor 16 year old girl. I don't remember her. Yes, it was me, but now I'm someone else.

Yesterday was good ED wise I suppose. 3 meals. Took all my prescribed meds. It was bad Piper wise. I had a terrible headache from a slight trazadone OD the night before. It made me sick and sucked the gumption out of me. Then I felt bloated. I cried, something I've been doing more. When you take away the behaviors that mask the pain you inevitably must feel them. So I know it's good when I cry. In those moments of intense emotion I can see more clearly what bulimia has done to all aspects of my life. It's sad, yeah. Isolation. No real, confiding friendships. Just a boyfriend who loves me terribly and is scared for me, but doesn't know the first thing about bulimia.

Anyway. I am scared about tonight. My mom is going on a retreat so she'll be gone. And I don't dare binge when she's home. She knows. She tries to help. She's a good one. My dad knows, but doesn't know how to intervene. He keeps a silent demeanor and lets the pain manifest itself into anger later. I am anxious. I know I can prevent this, but a big part of me doesn't want to.