Bulimia Help

This low phase of my bipolar has gotten so bad that I don't think I can cope with it anymore. I am not going to kill myself, but I do think about it and would generally just rather not be here. I need to have a proper, serious break away from any sort of pressure or upset. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow morning and am considering asking to be admitted to hospital for a while because I just feel so awful, all of the time, and can't really trust myself. Also it would be an opportunity to regulate my eating. I was wondering if anybody has had any experience of being in a psychiatric hospital and what it is like? It's a pretty scary prospect. Hope you're all ok.
xxx

Hello everybody, sorry this is a bit off topic but is something that has been STRESSING me out and I just need to get it off my chest/see if any of you have any thoughts on it?

I finished with my bf a couple of months ago, (that was the "official" break up, but we'd been obviously on the rocks for months and months prior to this).

I've had a rough few years really, my papa dying, the ED, the (only recently diagnosed) bipolar! I've basically been on the verge of an absolute breakdown for about 4 years and it is finally happening! (well it started a few months back). My bf didn't help or support me very much, I've only just realized how little. He is a chef in a top restaurant so I never really saw him and was really lonely and completely on the edge (to be honest I'm surprised I'm even here). One evening I was v emotional and quite drunk (!!) and wrote a bit of an alarming facebook status. I got quite a few panicky msgs asking if I was alright! One of them was from one of my brothers friends. We started talking and he has been so supportive. He is also bipolar, although has it completely under control now, and has also had body issues. So he was able to give me lots of helpful advice. He's actually been the single most helpful person I've had throughout all these problems! He never flirted with me or let me know he liked me, he was just giving me great advice, looking out for me, and distracting me from feeling awful.

This continued for a few months, then my bf was snooping around on my computer and found one of our conversations where Id been talking about being unhappy with the relationship. He made me delete msn messenger and facebook. I was completely cut off but thought I should give it a chance and stopped contacting the lovely boy!

Right, well today was my first day of really making an effort to control my bulimia. This site is so inspiring, I don't think I would have started if I hadn't found it! Not so soon anyway. So I suppose the first positive is simply the decision to seriously start trying.

I went for a walk this morning, about 40 mins, with my mum, then came back and had the first normal, "proper" breakfast I've eaten in a very long time, and felt quite good about it. Between breakfast and lunch I had a piece of fruit as a snack, which also felt not too bad. More success with lunch, stopped when I thought I was full. I absolutely wanted to distract myself from purging and had to run some errands so I made sure I was out of the house for at least three hours. I think this was where my mistake was (see panicky status update!) I left it too long between eating and got too hungry, I thought I could control it, but even as I was eating my snack I was thinking "Oh no I can't have an orange because that won't be good to purge," and I was gone then!! It wasn't too bad as far as bingeing goes, but still, I purged anyway. This isn't good and I feel so exhausted and have a huge tummy ache! BUT I am going to eat dinner normally, and not purge afterwards.

That way, even though I b/p once, I will still have eaten three full meals and one snack, which is something of a miracle! I literally cannot remember the last time that happened voluntarily! Also its good as lately I have been b/p pretty much aaall day, so reaching 17:00 was actually not bad :)

Had a bit of an upsetting day- my ex boyfriend has reached the anger phase of our break up and is sending me icky txt msgs and I have to organise picking up all my stuff from our flat (he lives at the other end of the country!) So that's all sad and stressful :( We were together for four years. Also think I'm going into a bit of a low (bipolar wise), which is another reason to really GET ON TOP OF THE FOOD STUFF!!