Bulimia Help

So I stuffed up again. It always seems to be around the week mark that everything falls to pieces. It’s always at the point where I am starting to really settle into my system and feel confident – almost as if my body thinks that I don’t deserve to feel this way. I’m home alone and have just been crying and sleeping all afternoon. I stopped binging about 2pm and will have to eat dinner with the rest of the family at about 7 or 8pm.

I haven’t purged and am therefore dreading waking up tomorrow with a horrible puffy face and swollen body. I am terrified that work will call and tell me I have to come in so I will have to face people. Usually, I would be able to get away with keeping to myself this week and eating light, healthy meals with lots of exercise until the horrible physical after effects have subsided a little bit. However, my sister is coming home from university on Wednesday (with a friend) and I am hysterical over the thought of her seeing me in this state. I’m so ashamed. I can hardly let my mother see me after a really bad b/p session and my sister is always someone who I have greatly admired and had serious trouble with comparing myself to. We have also always been quite competitive over our bodies/weight/food.

My mum will be home from work in a couple of hours and I really want to just cry and tell her everything that’s been going on with me today/in the past month or so. She knows all about my ED (after six years and multiple inpatient treatments) but I find it so much harder to confess to a binge than to say that “I haven’t really been eating enough recently, Mum”. After years of anorexia, having the bulimic side of my eating disorder exposed feels incredibly uncomfortable and embarrassing. I said I would do this last time I binged though and I just ended up locking myself away in my room for the evening.

I’m feeling pretty mixed up at the moment. I’ve started and discarded countless journal entries this week because my mental state right now is such that I can’t seem to make myself concentrate on any one thing for more than about 5 minutes.

Mentally, I’m not sure if I’ve ever been in worse shape. It’s probably because I just don’t have enough to occupy me at the moment to take my mind off the constant niggling thoughts about food, weight, body image ect. Every single day I take a ridiculous amount of photos of myself in various outfits to “see what I look like to other people”.

Speaking of which, I’ve completely forgotten how to dress my body. It’s changed so much in the past year or so that I just don’t know which ways up anymore. Last April I was severely underweight & steadily gained a total of 30 lbs by January of this year (I know that I need to gain weight but this was almost completely through bingeing which completely destroyed my confidence and caused by to tip into the binge/purge mentality - how I wish someone had taught me how to gain weight slowly and healthily....) and had then lost 2/3 of this "recovery weight" by March.
And, am I the only person who is a bit daunted by the fashions at the moment? It’s all so overwhelming and COMPLICATED. An outfit has to have all these kooky accessories thrown in. Why can’t I do this! There is also no way that I can afford to buy any new clothes at the moment which is horrible as all the new summer clothes are gorgeous!

I haven’t worn proper make-up in an age too so that’s another thing I’m going to have to re-learn. Every morning I wake up and just slather on some tinted moisturizer and a lick of mascara & that’s it.

Dear Ma & Pa

I love you very very much but please don't make me go, please don't make me go, please don't make me go.

Work tomorrow morning, starting at 6am. The urge to call in sick again is mounting as the minutes and hours pass. Even if I did I would probably have to get up up 5 anyway and go somewhere in my little motor so my parents thought I was at work? Ugh - thats just stupid.

I don't have any energy or enthusiasm for anything at the moment & I don't seem to be able to concentrate on one given thing for more than about 10 minutes. It just doesn't seem to be able to hold my attention. I also can't concentrate on anything much but the cloud hanging over my head which is the "countdown" to January 11th when I am supposed to be leaving for Quebec for 3 months with 150 other British gap year students to ski hard, drink hard and generally be a rowdy teenager. I've never felt this much pressure before. I drove my Dad around yesterday and he just asked me how my preparations were going. I haven't done anything. I laid out a couple of clothes on the spare bed but everytime I try on whichever lucky items have ended up there this time, I remove them back to my wardrobe. I just feel like the phrase "don't run before you can walk" should be applied here. They're asking me to sprint when I can barely stand.

Oh crikey, I'm really unhappy. Weep :( xxx

edit @ 5.30am: Off to work. Haven't slept. Eyes are red and puffy from lots of crying. Pippa = Mess

Terrible day today. Me and my parents have been arguing a hell of a lot recently. I don't think they understand what a big deal it is for me to confide in them. I actually admitted to my mum today that I was having trouble with bingeing because of all the Christmas food that was in the house and she flew off the handle. "I can't sit with you 24/7 to make sure you're eating properly - it's not my fault your moping around the house and end up eating to make yourself feel better and then it doesn't so you think oh shit - better hide away from the world for another month". Ouch Mum. Number one - you are way off the mark but I can't be bothered to argue because any word that comes of my mouth seems to make you angry and Number two - it was a massive deal for me to tell you - I need support, not to be yelled at. Fair play that she is totally pissed off with me and angry and upset after six years of this. She just kept saying to me "I always blame myself - why did this happen to you" and I said "Why did you get cancer? It's the same thing - it just happens". And she got angry at that too saying that at least she fought her illness unlike I seem to be doing. Right. Number three - I am NOT moping. I've been diagnosed with clinical depression and every single day, even though it's the hardest thing in the world, I get out of bed & shower - put on some make up so I feel at least half decent and get myself out and about - running errands, going to the gym, going to work - whatever.

I drove myself down to Woking to have a little peek at Lifeworks. I didn't get a good look becuase it's on the bend of a busy road so I couldn't really dawdle but at least I now know where it is and what it looks like incase I end up going there.

Oh moan moan moan - you guys must just REALLY sick of me. À bientôt.x