Bulimia Help

Its been just over a month since my last CBT session and im feeling good. Was soo worried that i wouldnt be able to continue my recovery alone. It feels strange to be so positive about things now. When i look back to when i was in the grip of my bulimia i never ever imagined that id be able to spend even a day without bingeing and purging...let alone 6 months! Id never imagined that id be happy having gained weight etc. Ive come such a long way. Reading everyones blogs on here reminds me of how i used to feel and it makes me so determined to carry on being strong.

The weirdest thing is how my opinion of myself has changed. Ive gone from being obsessed and paranoid about how i looked, my body shape n weight to now being alot more relaxed. I wouldnt say im completely happy with how i look etc but im no where near as bad as i used to be and its perfectly normal to worry about these things...show me a women who doesnt worry. However worrying and obsessing are too very different things.
Since starting my recovery ive learnt that there is more to a person than how they look, how much they weigh n what size clothes they wear. If we were all meant to be the same then we would of all been made the same.

The hardest thing about recovery is learning to accept your self. Since starting therapy Ive been eating properly, no restricting, no bingeing and if i want something ill have it, i havent gained weight, ive stayed at the same steady weight (few pounds up n down but thats natural fluctuations) so i guess my body is telling me this is what weight i am and its healthy so for once im actually listening to my body and not my head or the eating diorder.
And it feels good to be out of the grip of all those thoughts and feelings of despair, helplessness, weakness and all the other things the bulimia made me feel.

Ive just come back from my CBT session and ive been told by my therapist that i only need one more session. Im really pleased that she has so much confidence in me and im really happy that ive come this far.
6 months ago i was struggling, i was at my lowest point and couldnt think bout any thing else other that restricting, bingeing, purging and being skinny. I was stuck in the vicious circle of bulimia and saw no way out.
CBT has given me the control back. I was worried about not having any more sessions but thinking about it now, i not so concerned, After all its me thats put the hard work in, the CBT and my therapist just gave me the info and the tools to do it.
Im aware that now is the beginning of my recovery....i need to remember what ive learnt and i need to make sure that the bulimia never takes control again.
I really hope that everyone on here one day feels the same as i do right now. I so very proud that ive come this far. I wish everyone the best of luck in their recovery. XXX

Why do we as a society label people on how they look or their weight/shape/size?
We believe that skinny/slim women are beautiful, successful, happy, popular, self controlled etc? Why is it that over weight is seen as lazy, ugly and no bodies in society.

I hate that people are labelled and i hate that i have fallen into the clutches of judging and labelling. I dnt label or judge other people. Im a firm believer in getting to know someone and taking people for who they are not what they look like.However I label and judge myself....I feel that if im slim ill be happy. I feel that being overweight is not acceptable for me. And honestly i hate it. Its what drove me deeper and deeper into bulimia. Even now in recovery i still cant accept that happiness does not come from being skinny. I hate that people will judge me if im seen as overweight or not the perfect weight or shape. Im trying so hard to ignore the thoughts, im trying. Buts its so embedded in my thoughts.

In fact the only thing stopping me relapsing is the terror of gaining more weight due to b/ping. Its ridiculous that i feel i need to be slim to fit into society....what the hell is perfection????
Every body has flaws but my stupid mind can only pick out peoples good bits and my bad bits.

Im looking forward to the day i no longer care about perfectionism, im looking forward to the day that i can say to myself (and really mean it) you know what ur fine as u r, u healthy, happy and successful and ur weight/shape has nothing to do with it. i CANT WAIT TO BE ME AND ACTUALLY FEEL HAPPY ABOUT WHO I AM.

Havent been on here for a while.....
Ive been getting Cognitve Behaviour Therapy for the last 7 weeks. I waited over a year for this teatment after battling with recovery. Ive had counselling and medication but was unsuccessful with my recovery and I kept relapsing. But now I finally feel on the road to a proper recovery. I've learnt alot about how this eating disorder works and what it does to you as a person.

Its all in the mind....my therapist refers to it as a DVD playing constantly in my mind. and to be honest i like how that sounds as it means i have the ability to stop that DVD playing. Its been tough but im feeling so positive right now.I havent binged or purged since i started my CBT therapy but i still have my issues and its not at all easy. My crazy ed thoughts still run through my mind but im slowly learning to ignore them.

I guess an eating disorder is simillar to an addiction like alcohol or drugs....u have to want to get better before you actually can and when u do decide u need help u need to really work at it.
I just wanted to write this to let you all know that it will get better and u can beat it. Bulimia controlled my life for 5 years and im not letting it control any more of my life. Life is soo precious and to ruin it by hating myself and making myself ill is a right slap in the face to those people who have worse conditions and illnesses to live with.
I hope everyone is okand doing well....we can beat it..if we want too.
xxxx

As im sat here i dont have alot of hope of ever being able to get over this. ive been trying to recover for almost a year, and to be honest i feel im right back at the beginning.
ive been back at square one so many times and always end up right back there.

as im typing this christina aquilera 'voice within' is playing on my ipod....

young girl dont cry, ill be right here when ur world starts fall,
young girl its alright, ur tears will dry, ull soon be free to fly...

i hope so! xxx

Since i first got some help for my bulimia...almost a year ago now ive had so many ups and downs. I cant count the number of times ive started recovery and then relapsed.
Ive just started recovery again after slipping up. Im 3 days within b/ping and im really struggling this times. At one point i didnt purge for nearly 4 months, although i was still bingeing and so i gained weight. During this time i didnt worry about the weight gain but then all of a sudden those niggling thoughts came back and all i could think about was the weight gain. I couldnt control the bingeing either. At this point id decided that i wanted to lower the dosage of my medication. In hindsight i prob should of kept taking them, however i dont want to rely on drugs/meds.

Id had enough of how i was feeling/lokking and so continued bingeing and unfortunatley purging occasionally. Ive wrestled with my urges and feelings since i started purging again and i have done the guilty thing, then the sod it i dont care as well as fighting the urges to eat and eat and eat.

So now im starting again but trying to do it properly. Its fine not purging but the eating disorder is still an issue if bingeing is happening. Im now trying to eat healthy.

Restricting doesnt work so well for me as i just want to eat what i cant have and then go on to binge. Im allowing myself treats but only very small portions. Im also teaching myself to recognise when im comfotably full and so im eating smaller portions. Also trying to exercise regulary. Im determined this time (as the other times!!!) Ive got my fingers crossed and really trying not to slip this time.xxx

finding it so hard lately...ive stopped purging but cant help bingeing. Im feeling horrible, panicking about my weight etc and how i look. im trying to igmore that stupid voice in my head that keeps taunting me and im tryig to distract myself by studying and keeping myself occupied but my head is full of bad thoughts.

I make it worse by constantly weighing myself and everyday i tell myself not too eat junk and rubbish but i just cant control it.

The worse thing is that i have brought this on myself...i was the one who started binging/purging thinking it was a clever way of being able to eat alot and stay slim. So stupid and so naive to the fact that what i was doing was seriously dangerous and addictive. I dnt get drunk, i dnt take drugs and im reasonably intelligent. What on earth ever possessed me to do it. I dnt know but im hoping that eventually ill get over it.

Ive been getting help for about 8 months now and that 8 months has been a rollercoaster. I never really understood why i binged/purged and during my recovery ive explored all reasons. I had counselling, learnt how to stop feeling angry towards my 'father' for being such a useless, selfish idiot! (although from that most people would prob disagree)I think i mean that im not using him as an excuse for my bulimia. I quit my job that depressed me so much and now am doing something i really really enjoy BUT Ive finally realised that my bulimia is exactly that...my problem. So far since recovery i have successfully stopped purging however i am still binging. Which is a constant struggle as i binge then want to purge so bad, when i dont i have this immense feeling of self hate and loss of control.
I hate hate hate that loss of control and i hate how easy i can slip into a binge. Im still constantly obsessed with how much i weigh etc and to be honest i am so incrediably fed up my it.

I have realised that Im going to be fighting these feelings forever....i will always have an issue with food and how i look and i hate myself for it.

Ive not been on here for just over 5 weeks....ive also not purged for just over 5 weeks, 5 weeks n 4 days to be exact! yey. I wanted to post this blog as proof that you can fight bulimia.

5 months ago i went to my GP after finally relaesing that bulimia was ruining my life. I was depressed, tearful, lonely. isolated and didnt feel worth anything. My GP was lovely and very understanding..she prescribed me fluoextine (prozac) and i must admit i didnt like the idea of taking anti ddepressants but this has been used to treat bulimia in the past so i agreed to try it...it took a month or two to get the dosage right and i have been attending regular counselling sessions and really am feeling alot better. It hasnt been easy at all, even when taking the medication i was still bingeing and purging regulary n felt trapped and in despair. I then told my mum about the bulimia and too my surprise she was so understanding and was happy to let me just talk when i needed it.

I still struggle with the issues surrounding bulimia..eg weight etc but the one thing i have learned is that i am a good person and there is more to me than just what i look like or how much i weigh...sometimes i get that anxious feeling to binge and purge but i look back at how miserable i was when i was doing it all the time and tell my self that im in a better place now without the bulimia. Things are turning around for me...i start a paramedic training course in september and im happier and enjoying life...and its all due to believing in myself and focusing on the feeling good about myself/

its not easy but its definatley worth beating bulimia...Id like to offer my support to anyone who is struggling to start recovery..ive got a long way to go too but im feeling 100 % beter! yey!! x

Have been away on holiday with my closest friends. Ate so much junk its unreal...lost all control over my eating habits but not my thoughts. After polishing off a packet of biscuits i felt so horrible, nothing i could do about tho as my friends have no idea about my bulimia. I guess that knowing this i just carried on eating and eating but no purging. But now im home reality has hit...im already panicking about how much i have eaten this week and am torturing myself with bad thoughts. I am wide awake at 5am and feeling anxious and upset and very bad about my self. Welcome home me!!!

Also my least fav day of the year is coming up....Fathers Day. Im working that day so at least i wont have to make to much of an effort...such a shame!!!!!!
i really really hate having to pick out a stupid card and pretend He is the best dad in the world. But me being me and not wanting to hurt him i go ahead and pretend. Will just be getting him a joke card or something light hearted, nothing soppy or loving. After all his idea of fatherhood has left me the most messed up, unloved and unwanted person ever...thanks dad u did a great job.

So very sorry about the sarcasim but i just cant help it, especially when im having a bad day.

Luckily when i got back i had a letter confirming a place with an eating disorder clinic, so thats a good thing. And also i have been accepted onto a paramedic training course and im so pleased, my mum made a huge effort for my arrival home from hol, there was a banner up saying congratulations and she gave me the biggest hug. The sperm donor on the other hand has no idea, hasnt asked how i got on even though i told him about the interview (his wife text me asking how it went a few days later which was nice of her but she signed it dad and sue which means he didnt remember and she did, felt guilty and said it was off him too) Not at all suprised tho!