Things you think don't bother you, sometimes really hurt.
I am feeling sad and having a hard time loving myself right now. I know that while I am working to believe in my own strength, a relationship is not what I should be looking for, I need to find love for myself without the dependence on a man. Yet, why am I feeling so sad and hurt right now?
Here's the situation: there is this guy I hang out with every once in awhile, has been going on for about 2 years now, after I broke u with my last wretched boyfriend. Anyways, basically we never had anything serious, mostly had sex really, went to a movie and dinner may be twice. I think for both of us it has been confusing, wanting to have someone casually there to hangout with when we need some affection and attention. I'm not sure if I would have wanted a relationship from him, and yet a part of me is so hurt that he never has. I think sometimes he thought about it, would plan a date with me, but then would back off again. Then often i felt so ugly and fat that I would cancel plans with him a million times, not really letting myself get close to him.
So this weekend, he's been texting me, asking me to come over, and I've been too busy feeling fat and going out with friends. So today, I ask him if he wants to hangout tonight, or next weekend, and he texts, "Sorry Erin but I can't see you anymore, I enjoyed the physical chemistry we have but I can't see you again. Don't take it person. You deserve a great guy who loves you and treats you like a woman. you're super sexy and funny, so it should be easy...You may think it's stupid but I'm experiencing a time of personal enlightenment. I can'thave any casual sexual relations at this time. Trust me, sex with you is fantastic, but the longer it drags on the more out of touch I am with finding a loving relationship."
Uggghhh I feel offended I guess. Like I'm good for sex, but nothing deeper than that. In fact, I seem to get this from so many guys. Often guys with girlfriends will be all over me, but would never leave the relationship. How did I get here? Do I seriously seem so shallow and unworthy of love? I'm hurt. It feels good to finally admit how much this hurts me. I'm also afraid that I'll never find anyone who could really see more in me than the outside. I've had men who have loved me, but they always end up jealous and possessive...I'm afraid that I'll never find that right person, that loving relationship. Has anyone else been here?
I need to continue to work on loving myself, to trust that I am worthy and deserving of respect and equality in a relationship. I need to let go and stop waiting for that time to come. In time, when i am ready, and that other person is ready, we will find each other. Right now, my relationship is with myself. I am okay on my own. I hope I can believe this in time.
Love to everyone We'll come out stronger for all this pain.
- ErinKathleen's blog
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Hey Erin
Sorry you're feeling down at the moment I actually know what it feels like to be with a guy (not in a realtionship sense) but for company and pleasure.
The things is and I know it may sounds harsh but at some point..... us humans long for something more than just a fling we want the real connection so your mate is probably looking for the next step in his life..... a relationship. Thats not to say that later on down the track you can reconnect with him and see how things go from there. And yes my past 2 boyfriends are the jealous types..... one minute we broke up and theres not much communicaton or acknowledgement of what we had...the next minute if im hanging with other guys they get all defensive and say they want me back or how much they adore me. Like bullshit if you didn't want to be with me in the first place then why do you want to be with me now. Just remember we will all find that companion...just dont know when lol.
Now don't let what happened make you feel as if you are only worth being with for sex! I bet you're an awesome chick who loves to have fun and be with your friends. From what Ive studied at uni..... bulimia is a direct link to social interference and status.... you're absolutley right that you need to practice loving yourself. So go buy yourself some flowers! or something nice for yurself
Awww, thanks so much Shauna. It helps to have your encouragement. xoxo
You can not be free of anything you have not loved.
hey girl! GOD I CANT TELL YOU how weird it was to read this and think i wrote it haha. i went through the same thing just a couple months ago. i was with a guy for about 8 months. we never fully committed but acted like bf/gf. we would visit each others colleges all the time, slept together, held hands, kissed blah blah blah everyone thought we were dating basically. then he called me one night adn said not to come back the next weekend because he met another girl (a night he was with ME i may add) and they have been hanging out. so now theyre dating and my heart is still broken : ( i felt so worthless and used. i mean used for sex for 8 months?!!! and then POOF see ya
BUTTT guess what? i got over it. i realized it had nothing to do with me! he wanted someone that wasnt like me. (he thought i was too much of a partier and not "serious" enough for him ... basically shes boring and like talkin to a wall) anyways, as devastated and depressed i was after, i got back on my feet. and then i met someone amazzzing! hes so so sweet loves me for everything i am, good and a lot of bad haha.
the fact is, if i can find someone who loves me YOU CAN! and YOU WILL and having a support system is sooo awesome too so dont feel like wanting a bf will be bad! we always crave attention and praise. especially with this ED just hainvg someone to love is an emotional problem with this shit ha.
but any man will NOT make yo ulove yourself!!! ONLY YOU CAN! i thought that by staying with that boy for 8 months even if its bad, at least i have someone to sleep with because somehow it made me "feel closer". but its an illusion. you have to find love for yourself through you!
hang in there babygirl sorry for the long message haha
xoxoxoxo
<3 caitiln
You're so right Caitlin, just because I am not the kind of girl that he is looking for does not mean that I will not find someone who wants me exactly as I am, flaws and all. I am worthy of love, love from myself, and love from others. Your message was so sweet. U remind me of me:-p. Hope ur doing well. xo
You can not be free of anything you have not loved.
I go through this same thing! I am 28 years old and I have never been in love. I always just have flings that come and go. Part of me keeps it this way on purpose. I feel like if I always keep it on a sexual level than they won't be able to get to know the real me. I am afraid for anyone to see all my imperfections. I believe we will find the right guy when we are just focusing on loving ourselves. When we don't love ourselves unconditionally and truly know who we are then we constantly attract the wrong guys. For me I think it is going to be important to not even worry about having a guy right now. I am not in the right state of mind to be the best I can be in a relationship. Love yourself first and I believe love will come soon after that! Thanks for sharing! I could relate with you so much.
Hey Kelly,
It's hard to be without a relationship sometimes, and yet so freeing at other times. It's so nice to hear that you can relate and are not worried about being with someone right now. Let's just love love love ourselves. We will get there, we will find ourselves enough, and then perhaps this love can be shared with another someday.
Love always,
Erin
You can not be free of anything you have not loved.