Bulimia Help

I finally told my parents that I have an eating disorder! I've been wanting to tell them something for so long, I've been dropping these little hints, but I never could bring myself to saying it. Yesterday, I wrote my mom an email that sounded pretty bad, I would be surprised if she weren't freaked out by it. For the first time in my life, I had actual suicidal thoughts - I saw no future for myself, and I didn't see why my life couldn't just end there and then. I felt like it wouldn't made any difference if I kept on living. And in that mental state, I decided to write her an email. Not the best idea, because it was pretty dark, but at least I asked her for help, and admitted I need my family's support. Today when I talked to her and finally told her everything - how I make myself vomit, how it's been worse for the past 6 months, up to 3 times each day, how I'm terrified of gaining weight, how I'm caught in a cycle of starving because I'm afraid that if I'll eat normally I won't be able to stop and I'll binge, how depriving myself of food actually drives me into craving and bingeing, how that makes me feel guilty and I restrict again... And I told her I need help getting out of it. I told her how I need someone to care, how I'm afraid that if I'm not thin no-one ever will, and how I feel like being very skinny will make people to at least worry, if not care about me.

And you know what she answered? She told me I'm the best thing that's ever happened to her, and that I have an angel guiding me. She told me not to be afraid, that I can make it through and that she knows I'll be successful in life. My mom told me I'm beautiful inside and out, pure, caring, honorable, and moral, virtuous, righteous and noble. Of course I never see myself as such and think I'm worthless and a failure, but for that short, sweet moment, everything felt right and I believed her. Just one moment. My mom told me that size doesn't matter and won't change who I am, she told me that if I gain some weight I will still be the same amazing girl she thinks I am now. And she told me other people will see me as such, that I don't need thinness to be loved. And you know what? She just might be right. I don't need a boyfriend to feel whole and worthy, to feel desired. I will find someone when the time is right, and if he doesn't love me for me - well, I'll look for someone who does. My mom could be right when she says that thinness is not everything. Since I lost weight, my life hasn't improved at all - I'm just as unhappy as before. I'm a bore to be with, always gloomy, always preoccupied with the thoughts of food. Skinny celebrities on 90210, Perez Hilton's red carpet candids, in Teen Vogue and Glamour? They are not real. They are airbrushed, starved, addicted celebrities who never had a normal life. They don't exist in my world, but in an illusory Hollywood-land, a world in another universe, where thinness=success=money=happiness. Not in my world. Thinness and the search for the "ideal" weight never brought me happiness, so I might as well become healthy, gain some weight, and search for true happiness. I want laughter. I want to enjoy simple things. I want to feel free, I want to learn, I want to jump, I want my bubbly personality back. I want to hug my family and eat out with my friends. I want to dream, imagine my future again. And my mom told me she will help me get there.

But the weird thing is, I'M STILL NOT ABLE TO SAY THE WORDS - "I'm bulimic"! How weird is that?!? Anyways, yesterday was a dark day. I gave up, failed. I binged, four times. I cried, skipped class, wanted to quit everything. Wanted to quit recovery, life. But I picked myself up today, I ate a meal and told my mom about my problems. Me opening up to someone is HUGE! I'm still not sure what I want to do with my life, what I'll do for the half year from January onwards when I leave university, and where I'll enroll / transfer to next fall. But I'll figure it out, the important thing right now is that I want to learn, I want to live a full life, and that I have the support of my family.