This will sound stupid...
This will sound stupid but I thought I was almost recovered because I had a few days under control. Ha! Ha! I wish! I really thought that I was on the right track I even bought some trigger foods and it stayed in the fridge/cupboards until... well, this morning :( Yup, I just screwed up!
But I know why this time... You see how weak I am...
I went to one of our other offices yesterday to train a new staff member. It was great! She was funny and smart. But I can't stop thinking of how skinny she was. During training, I just told myself "Hey, some people are just born like that... It doesn't mean that she has an ED." I actually told myself that a few times to comfort myself. At lunch time, I suggested to take a break. She told me that she doesn't usually eat at lunch time. I thought "There you go, girl... You're busted! You can't eat healthy and maintain that very low weight at the same time" But I played dumb and asked her you must had eaten a big breakfast... She said that she drank 3 cups of coffee for breakfast because she wasn't hungry. I thought "Yeah, right... I've been there... so I know you're full of shit... Same lie that I used to say every day." Anyway, I just leave it as is and move on on something else.
Bottom line is: I'm weak! It triggered me! I screwed up day 6. I feel fat and I think I should starve myself like I did in the past and get back to the weight that I was. I know I shouldn't think like that to recover. I'm actually going to put myself down again. Then what? I'll have to stand up again and I bet it will be harder. Argh! Don't know what to do/think. I'm so confused with what I want... :(
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this is not stupid. it is so hard when other people are around, not to compare yourself. maybe she does have an eating disorder... one of the hardest things i have to deal with is a friend who doesn't eat anything and is also such a feeder, who says she is fat, when she's thinner than me. It is very, very hard for me to cope with. So hard, that i have been detaching myself from her. I know you can't do this with a work person, but don't let her get to you anymore. don't worry about this morning. don't let this set you back.
I understand where you are coming from. It makes me so mad sometimes too! If it makes you feel better, she is at a point of her life where she is denying her ED while you have accepted it. Its like an alcoholic going to AA and seeing one on the street that still has a problem.
Be strong! You are a beautiful person. Don't listen to the demons of bulimia. Listen to all of us. Listen to the kid inside you that loves to play on the swings before your bulimia. You are surrrounded by love and we are all here for you.
"Wow, look how beautiful I am."
no no no! dont ever go back to starving, it ll only make u enter this awful cycle again! u ARE still doing a great job and u can still go on! this woman might have an ed, or she might be just naturally thin, alot of people i know eat nothing at all in the morning because the just dont feel like it.
we have to accept that we r not born that way, oh, and a word of advice, get triggering foods but at very small amounts that will last for only one day or make it a routine to go buy urself sth from the supermarket everyday, dont keep heeps of it in ur cupboard.
tomorrow is day 7! good luck dear!
try to be optimistic, dont wallow in ur self pity.
Thanks ladies for your support! It helps a lot :) I have been thinking about this all day. I feel so stupid. I should not compare myself to others like that. I need to learn to accept myself the way I am. Well, this is part of recovery, right? :) You guys are amazing! Thanks a lot! Stay strong :)