Bulimia Help

Hello all. I joined this site about two weeks ago and am just now getting around to writing my first blog entry. I don't feel comfortable telling my whole story just yet, mostly because I just don't want to think about how long this sickness has had a hold on me. Right now I just want to focus on the here and now. Each day is a struggle. Hell, each hour is a struggle. I've been falling into binge/purges even more recently and I know it's because of all the mess in my life. And I'm sure you know the cycle: feel crappy, binge to shut off, feel guilty for binging, purge, feel guilty for purging, binge to shut off....and the cycle continues. That's where I am now. I'm having a really hard time coming back to life. I'm not happy where I am, but I just can't seem to find the desire or the energy to change. It's all so overwhelming.

Anyway, all this to say that I'm here to get some support. I'm going to be honest by saying that I don't feel 100% convinced that I'm ever going to change. But I do want to change. I really do.

I hope to find what I need here. Don't be shy. Reach out to me and I'll reach out to you.

I am beginning to see the light. My body feels a bit better today. I haven't binged since Sunday and my goal is to not binge again. I ate 3 meals and a couple snacks today. Yeah me!
It is hard but i know that taking care of my body things will work out. do i wish i were 10 pounds thinner? yes. but right now the goal is structured eating of healthful foods and moderate exercise and trusting that my body will balance out. i am spending the day with my sisters tomorrow so i am hoping i can make decisions i will be happy about. wish me luck!

It's been over a year. I realized it's not that much. But it feels like forever. I can't stop. I just can't. I am a wreck, inside. I am obsessive compulsive, I am constantly counting, moving, eating, fasting, this detox, that diet, low-fat, now low-cal, now anorexic tendencies, yes XXXX pounds! break a rule, XXXX pounds. fuck it all you fat pig, gain them all back. binge, purge, binge, purge, binge, purge. attempt to go 'healthy', add about XXXXcalories to my diet and i am still starving. so i binge, gain aboutXXXlbs. and here i am now. i am not happy at this weight i realize that although i may not be technically 'fat' i am not fit! i don't know what to do i am miserable at this weight yet i cannot live one day longer as a bulimic. i've gone maybe 3-4 days without purging, but threw up on account of binge drinking last night. which was the highlight of my week. how pathetic and fat am i? i also haven't stopped taking laxatives and occasionally use my diet pills. i don't know how to stop, be normal, be healthy, not feel guilty and be thin. i just want to slip back to my anorexic ways and be depressed but thinner. but i know then i won't be happy either. i keep bouncing back and forth and i am depressed.