Bulimia Help

yep, i b/p this afternoon, it's not day 4 any more, but day 5, no difference...
i still don't know how to handle the impulse to binge.
sometimes i can, like yesterday, i can force myself to calm down and try to cope with it.
but sometimes it's just too hard. i forget those promise i made and those solution i designed and somehow i just run into the supermarket and go back dorm with those food. i don't know did i fight with it, or i lost in a second.
i don't feel crazy now, just little bit sad and lost. really, HOW, HOW can i be strong and steady enough to cope or at least don't lose my mind when it comes fiercely next time...

good wishes to all you strong ppl.

the campus's network broke down last night, fortunately i had finished my homework of public speaking. sometime it's good to let me turn off the computer and stay away from those informations which may confuse and depress me.

i had morning class which was good, but somehow i caught my negative thought attacking me and you know the feeling, i dont know why i want to b/p but i just want it more than anything else. AND, my classmate let me smell her bread to test whether it's bad or not. god, it's better to kill me.
i struggled for a while cos i wanted to do my Accounting homework after the class. but i'd no confidence to force myself to sit down steadily and study for 2 hours till my lunch. so i decided to put the homeworks aside and go out for a long walk. it helped. i got through the Day 4, finally.
i should be happy right? but at this morning i lay on my hard bed and unable to call to mind why i recover, why i forbid myself from b/ping. the thought is just stupid and i'm such a trouble maker just can't focus on and enjoy the moment but to mess myself up.
BUT WHY? and why i had this thought???

anyway, i feel fine at the moment, b/p is not in my mind and recovery either...

it's getting colder here, a stupid question, is there any country celebrates her X'mas in summer?

no b/p today~
sat before my computer whole day long to scan and kill the virus and do little homeworks... well, i will do them ONE BY ONE and i think maybe i can finish them soon...
btw, why i always feel soooo good after i clean something, no matter it's my dorm or my computer, as long as i feel they are spotless and new and fresh i feel good~ maybe that's also why i like shopping, getting new things~

having class from 7:00~9:00pm, i HATE night classes...

a nice day~:)
went up early as i usually do, had steam bread and bean juice for breakfast as i usually do, then went out school to buy some fruit i usually buy, had my lunch at the first floor of canteen as i usually do, struggled about snack as i usually do, it seems that the life goes regular and routine, and tasteless... i do want something new, just i don't dare to... anything new may fluctuate my mood and trigger a b/p... damn it...

but i got a strawberry milk shake~ i did calculating about calorie but also tried to told myself the food is good to me and i deserve that nutrition~ and at the moment, i think the milk shake is great~:)
had classes in the afternoon, the endless homeworks, projects and the coming final exam depress me, so i made a list about what i've done, what i should do as well as what i want to do, hum~ as some of you said, write something when you can't think clearly or objectively really helps~ i found out that i've accomplish lots of job and what i want to do is really simple and achievable~ great~ so just be patient and concentrated about those what i should do, finish them one by one~

i can hardly open my eyes now... and those english words are in a state of chaos in my brain... so forgive my poor english and disordered post..:P

feel good now~ really really good~ so my ladies sharing my positive energy with you~~ are you smiling now~?
haha... little bit stupid and it reflects how fluctuant i am. but anyway, i feel good now and don't forget i'm fighting with b/p, that's good.

well today i got the lamp i booked from the internet so i don't need to embroider or read or write in the dim light any more.
and i spend 3 hours to clean my dorm, turned out every thing, threw those are useless, clean the remainders and put them at better position~
now it's all clean and tidy and i feel refreshing!~

hugging you girls~ good luck with you~

let's start with the beginning. cos i don't want to show you the ugly ending first, at least list some good thing of the day.

actually is not perfect, but is good enough.
had class from 8am to 10am, i love morning classes, i love the feeling of sun rising up and starting a new day. after classes had a joyful discussion with my classmate, cos one of our member is an Indonesian, so we talk in English. don't know why but i always feel more comfortable to express my feeling in English than in my mother tongue. maybe i feel as talking in another language i can get rid of the old nasty me... anyway... hope my "chinglish" won't bother you.xx
then went outside school to buy some herbal tea. felt good too. :)
but the lunch problem happened again, the dishes weren't go as i hope or just they gave me too little... i know that NORMAL person will handle it well and it's not even a problem, but to me it is! i can only dive in that anger instead of order more or put down the reasonless emotion... i know that if i eat it, it will easily trigger a binge, so i threw them away...
at the moment i was not mad about the meal, but how queer and abnormal i was. so called my mom, she told me to breath, look around, how children running and laughing, how old people enjoying the sunshine.
then the crisis resolved.

went back dorm had a good nap, had classes in the afternoon also.

and the bad part began.
i bought bottle of juice on the way back to dorm, i WANTED to enjoy it, while can't help calculating how much i've ate and judging the juice as extra calorie... without much hesitation i b/ped.
how wonderful i am! see? i just can't let myself to have i pretty day.
you girls needn't comfort me. i must reflect on it. i don't want to abuse you support and encouragement while just make promise and plan without any hard work.

though i can't get any sunshine in my dorm, still enjoying the setting sun.
have several classes, a short nap, lost the copy of my homework.
hum...relative a good day.

yesterday's speech is not so good. not too bad though, it's not as good as i thought. this kind of things happened frequently these days.
is that most bulimics also suffers from perfectionism?
i always think i can make it or do it better, while the results turn out that i can't which make me feel like such a loser.
my parents always think i can do every thing and expect that much from me, i understand that every parents think their children are the best, while it can only make me feel more frustrated.

maybe i am overestimate my capacity, now i'm trying to get to know who i am and what can i do...

:(

pretty a good day. finally i can stop forcing my self to go to the canteen while eat something i want, though it's still under my safe food category and i still have to plan my following meal carefully cos of it's join in.
any way, it's feel pretty good~

gonna give a speech in the coming class~ wish me luck~

hope that the following day will go through as today~:)

Pretty good till now~ and persuade myself not to concern about the rest of the day or the rest of the week, the month, etc... I FEEL FINE NOW~ AND I ENJOY THE MOMENT~

another drizzle day here, and i forgot to bring my umbrella, since my partners have their business to do, so i told them just believe my social ability and i can go back dorm safely.
stopped a passer by asked for sharing the umbrella, and i found how hypertalkative i was, kept talking all way long and the girl laughed and showed her amazing or interesting. and, i caught my attempt to rush into the store we pass through to do what you all know.

well, now i'v back to my place safely, but finally figure out i kinda lost my social ability. i feel nervous and anxiety while standing in crowd, the chatter and impulsion about b/p is the clue.
i know that being isolated is one mark of bulimia, but now going back to society fluctuate my mood and may begin a binging to relieve the anxiety. complicated and contradictive.

anyway, i thing i can handle it better if i know the reason.
next time the same situation happens again i can probably tell myself it means i'm making progress and not dragged down by the emotion.

:)

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oh laura, my dear laura.
plz think about how wonderful you are, hou beautiful the world is, how the others love you.
plz remember how strong and confident you used to be, though it's long time ago, plz pick those greatness now, to show the world after all these tragedy you are still the awesome laura.

okay, it seems i'm tasting all the failure.
i can't make it through 3 days, unbelievable.

come on girl, show me your hard bone!!

almost there, and i know after 5:30 p.m i can take a warm shower and have a oatmeal with milk or yogurt then the day is done.
i don't know whether i make progress or not, i'm still too sensitive about my meal and want to eat something but don't let myself to do so.
maybe that's a good thing, who knows will i binge if i loose the restriction.~
well, i'm thinking about is there any kind of food i can eat expect those i eat every day...