Bulimia Help

Ok, so having made 1 and a half days without b/p.... i had a slight hicup and b/p'd this afternoon.
I felt awful before i'd even left the super market. I havent got the money to keep doing this! But i don;t feel like a complete failure. It was always going to be hard and what i have learnt is that i need to avoid super markets! Its the sight of all these things i don't allow myself, and then seeing other people putting them in their baskets. I just want to be normal, eat normal things. I have been on a diet for the last goodness knows how long!

I have decided to do my food shopping online, then i can buy only what i plan for meals andhopefully wont be tempted by anything else.

The past few couple of days have been tough on me. I have been craving sweet things, like crazy. I have had horrible mood swings and I still can't sleep. I have been skipping meals. The worst thing thou, is the feeling of being fat. I feel huge. Bloated, tired and just plain ugly. Yesterday, an old friend of mine came to visit. She brought with her a bag of chocolate as a gift. Today, while she is away sightseeing with another friend, I ate the whole bag, 250 grams. Before lunch. It is my first binge since I started recovery. The first time I felt like I really couldn't stop until it was all gone. That I needed that chocolate. I couldn't relax knowing it was in the house. While eating it I didn't enjoy it, not one bite of it. I obviously feel nauseous now..but also, I feel like the stress of the binge monster on my shoulder got what he needed. That he is going to be silenced for a while. I choose to not eat sugar of a reason. Lately I have been letting go of that reason, thinking I was stronger in recovery than I am, and it was good that I got a reminder of that, a little slap in the face saying that I can't take too easy on recovery. That I still have to follow my structured, healthy eating like a slave. Just like an alcoholic I can't have just one drink. Not yet at least. I have been fearing the binge coming on, and now when it happened, I actually didn't feel as bad about it as i thought I was going to. My mood is a bit better, I didn't purge and when I went to the bathroom a few minutes ago I noticed I had gotten my period. My first period since January. So maybe I am not as crazy or slipping as I thought I were. Maybe I am just a normal girl with mood swings and cravings and periods. Anyway, I know the calories from the chocolate isn't a big deal as long as I don't make it into a habit which I am positive I won't.

Just when I had a few good days, I seem to have lost it again! I've had a few minor slip ups over the past couple of days but then today the big one finally hit! I ate way too much chocolate and now I hate myself yet again! Went for a big walk (and no i haven't purged) but i just feel like crap.... I could feel the urge coming and tried to resist but it was like a switch got turned on and off I went..... and I just pathetically kept going like that peice of crap that i feel like I am at the moment......
Soo down, everything in life is going wrong and this is just one problem that i don't need nor have time to deal with.... Longing for a normal happy life : (

Soo i have such a nice boyfriend who makes me feel amazing about myself,i cooked him dinner the other night and the left overs were nagging at me seen as i hadnt eaten for two days!
I feel soo trapped and in dispare al of the time,i feel out of control.
Its not like a drug,alcohol or cigaret addiction where you can just stay clear of it.Its food,you have to eat to live and i obsess over everything.I dont want to scare this guy away but im having to hide my tracks all the time.Hes starting to ask why i never eat,why i eat soo healthy.What he doesnt understand is even if i dont eat for two days then eat a piece of brocoli i feel guilt.
I was alone tonight,and not having him with me caused me to bindge pretty bad and then make myself sick.I now feel sad and depressed and feel like i have gained ten stone and all i can think of is how much weight im going to put on.Ive been crash dieting and through obsession of fasting ive lost a stone and a half.He loves my body,but he wont love it for long if i get fat.Should i tell him? will he then be scared or try to change me,i want someone to help...but i really believe deep down that i am right...that you shouldnt eat,that to loose weight you should eat nothing,how can someone change that in my head if i refususe to beleieve it...he loves food and i have this constant batle with it.I dont feel hungar anymore,not ever..only dispare and controll.Im going to see my doctor tomoro to see if i can get help,pretty sure she wont do anything though.to get help you have to be anorexic in my doctors eyes.Im a perfectly healthy but fucked up size 14.but i have to try as its tearin me up inside.........

WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY did I go and screw this up? I feel so full and bloated, like I'll never be hungry again. Why can't I have one of something?? Why all or nothing?

I really wanted to be able to tell my therapist I'd done really well. The last 10 days since I started therapy have been much better than the 10 before... But I just want to be better now. I just want to purge but I know I'm not meant to. Urgh.

I realized I always hold onto enough food for one binge and always pacify my anxiety by telling myself i can have just one more binge. It just donned on me that I've been telling myself this for 3 years! No, this is it. This WILL be my last binge, period. I am going to commit to writing when I feel like binging, learning my way through it and developing better coping skills. Today is the 7th, tomorrow is the 8th (of May 2010). I'm always afraid to over-commit and under-deliver, but not commiting to anything isn't working. I'm going to see how many hours I can gho without binging and I hope that my next post is a PROGRESS report.

Ok, I'm REALLY upset with myslef again. Last month I made big improvements - this month i set a target to continue the progress by cutting down on the number of binges and i've now had 3 already which is really bad. i don't know what sparked it today but i was absolutely fine then just went off on one and couldn't stop. i still want to eat more now even though i'm disgusted with myself. sometimes i'm doing really well then i just go really backwards. I HATE this so much and just want to get rid of it forever but really dont't know how :(

So...I'm on the verge of a binge now. I guess I am writing so that I won't b/p because I have been a bit out of control lately.

I just came home from work. I am depressed. I hate my job and I'm pregnant which means I'm stuck there until this baby is born. I wish I could leave it but financially, I can't afford to be without work.

I feel so empty- like there's nothing in my life that is exciting me. I used to have ambition and I feel like my dreams faded away. I always try to reach deep inside myself and ask myself "what do I want...what do I want NOW?" but sadly...nothing comes to me. I feel an emptiness inside, maybe that is where the bulimia comes in...to fill the void.

I also felt sick today...I felt tired, even though I slept enough, I have a headache and my throat hurts a little. I feel like I have a head cold or something. I just want to cry. I'm here alone in my apartment- my husband won't be home for a few hours. I know it is so easy for me to b/p right now and I even know that it will make me feel relaxed. But I don't do it...because I am trying to stop.

Instead though...I am crying.

This is not going well..I just cant stop....(in one sitting)

Huge bowl of cornflakes
Whole punnet of mushrooms,
whole bag of noodles,
Whole bag of bean-sprouts,
2 cheese and ham kievs,
mushy peas,
cheddar cheese,
boursin
2 fried eggs
Whole garlic baggette
7 slices of buttered toast
20 mini cup cakes
Half tub of ice-cream

and Im still eating...

I hate myself.

I'm having a really hard time right now. I had a few relatively good days when I was feeling so positive and wonderful about life, and then came the weekend. It started out innocently enough--wine and cheese on a Friday night with my husband and some friends. We just moved to a new city, so they're basically our only friends here so far. In my desperate attempts to become normal, I brought along two types of cheese and dark chocolate (I LOVE chocolate) to the party, and everything seemed fine. I drank wine, danced, was only mildly self-conscious about the way I looked, and tried to let go and just have fun!

Then, as Friday night wears on, our friends decide to order two huge pizzas from one of the best pizza places in town. Pizza shows up and I'm feeling fine and undaunted, not even hungry! I politely decline the pizza, at which time the only two girls (women I guess--they're in their late 20s), start prodding me and urging me to eat pizza!! "Have some!! Why aren't you eating pizza!? Seriously, EAT IT!" Okay, and please know that I am not very close with these two girls, they are the wives of my husbands best friends. So I'm totally confused as to why they're so focused on what I'm putting in my body. I continue to politely decline and tell them how I just enjoyed the wine, chocolate, and cheese and that I had already eaten dinner, but they continue to give me a hard time. "Just have a little!" They didn't stop until I finally had a small bite of my husband's pizza. ARG!!! I didn't even want it, and I felt like they made it their mission to get me to eat. Beginning of difficult weekend leading to Monday's downfall, exhibit A.