Bulimia Help

Amahlia Grace is my hope. She is everything I have dreamed about and everything that gets me through the day.
A few years ago when I had nothing else to save me I thought of my future. My future which I hoped would include children. This disorder takes everything you have, all your will power and your soul. I spent so many years focused on food I can't even remember anything else that happened. Ironically, my wish of one day having children is threatened by the lifestyle I begrudgingly hold.
When you cant even get out of bed in the morning for fear of food, there is a problem. But I wasn't denying that. I just couldn't find any way out. There were no options, no other ways to punish myself for being the way I was, other than repeating the cycle. I was even scared of how far I could go. 10 times in a day? More? And the lengths to which I would go for food are too horrible to even recall. I was a complete mess.
My hope came to me when searching through old photos at my Grandma's house. I stumbled upon a birth certificate for my Grandpa's mum and her name struck me as beautiful and graceful. Amahlia. I decided then I would call my first girl Amahlia.
The name grew into so much more than a name for me. I think of having children and I know I need to stop being bulimic. I think of Amahlia and know I have to be a better person. I have to be kind to myself if I am ever going to have any hope of living my dreams.
Even though I am still trying to recover I believe that it is possible. I have hopes and dreams of a future which will be everything I have worked so hard for.
There will be love, hope, dreams, faith and grace. And Amahlia Grace.
x J

doesn't really make much sense. When I'm feeling down I find writing very soothing and releasing. Just thought I'd post it here, I'd love to hear what you guys think.

little lies hide the truth
they desocrate you and all you do
you try to change, all alone
afraid to speak of pain that grows

you fall away from happiness
taking over the silence
shadows mend the deepest darkness
shadows hide your silent witness

lay me down on broken glass again
I can feel you, I can taste your fear
Reality seems so much further away
When you fall into the grey

I vomited food intentionally for the 1st time when I was about 21..a boyfriend & I lived together & he told me I looked like I was gaining weight..after his comment I starved myself for many months & finally gave in to fast food one day & vomited to get rid of the calories before he got home & realized how easy it was to enjoy food & not gain weight : ( then I got involved in drugs...stayed skinny...went thru this & that...
I find I b/p when I live alone & can keep my secret safe. It has gotten worse in the last 6 years...has been daily about...but I am getting ready to face Day 8 (ironically Thanksgiving) b/p free & STAYING STRONG! Bless each & everyone of us...we can beat this!

So I just realized that I never introduced myself! Well, my name is Bekky and I am a fourth year kinesiology student! I've been bulimic for about two and a half years now, and have basically trying to stop since the beginning. It started with my summer shorts not fitting and me trying to diet to fit into them. Well that diet slowly got more and more restrictive. One day I cheated and then threw up what I ate, and that's pretty much how it all started! I have a sister and a brother, but basically my whole family moved away, and it's a 5 hour plane right to where they are. The only person near me is my brother, who is married and just had a kid, so he's super busy! Ummmmm what else...my bf lives about an hour away so we are long distance and see each other about every other week. I love to sing and dance, but don't really do much of anything now because of the depression that comes with bulimia. I thought I'd start blogging as a way to let my feelings out and hopefully meet some cool people! So if you ever wanna chat just let me know! All the best!
-Bekky xo

just need to type to clear my mind. Spent the last hour crying, i have great family and friends but still battling this by myself. My b/f knows about my bulimia but is such a free spirit he doesnt fully understand why i do it and i dont wanna be sad around him as he is one of the only people who can make me laugh and smile.

Not quite sure why im crying, probaly a mixture of anger and sadness. All my problems stem from my childhood...it was tough as my mum was a single parent but did the best job! she worked so damn hard for me, my bro and sis and went without to make sure we were fed, warm and happy. My father on the other hand doesnt deserve the privilege of being called a father. we saw him every wkend but i always felt like we (me especially) were a burden. He never made an effort to do anything. I have so many bad memories and just cant forget. He is now remarried with a lil boy, who i adore. He is the sweetest thing. Dad loves him (and i love that he is a good dad to my baby bro) but it hurts seeing them together. it confuses me. Thats why i binge/purge its my comfort...i feel so unloved and unwanted so i binge and the purging gives me the release...makes me feel better about myself for about 2 seconds then the clouds get dark again and im back where i started.

keeping it to my self is making it a million time harder to fight...i love this site everyone is so kind and feels good knowing that im really not alone!

Therapy session over...for now!

I threw up... I haven't eat, but I will eat. Now is not a good day... I feel sad. Evening is the worst thing in this day...