Bulimia Help

so i finally made 2 dr. appts for friday. a dietician and a normal appt with a GP to get a full physical. im scared about knowing what i have done to myself but this is the first step. last night i drank and binged so bad....so i woke up, called an AA buddy that is recovering from both alcoholism and bulimia and she told me what to do. i have given up and am trying to surrender because i feel like it's "game over." i have nowhere else to go.....its either stop and get better or im dead. that is scary so i am going to try and get my life in order. thank you everyone for this site!

So a few weeks ago I had 5 days. Then I B/P'd and started drinking again and all has gotten out of control. My heart hearts and I know that I need to start taking care of myself again. I feel like a crazy person. I find myself starting the day so well and then I just think of all the food i want and then it happens, i dont even WANT to do it anymore. It's like im being controlled by something other than myself! Well, anyways, today is Day 1 and I will continue to blog about my ups and downs and try to remember that all of the uncomfortableness will subside eventually (ex. "recovery belly"). Thank you everyone for listening, and if any of you have a structured eating example plan that would be AWESOME!

Today I didnt b/p AT ALL. Very good for the way ive been latley. Also I thought alot about the reasons I want to get better, how b/p affects my mood because im very depressed and anxiose and have ptsd. So I cant get better from the ptsd untill I eat normally and regulate my habits. I realize my daily habits have alot to do with my mood. I b/p, think bad thoughts about myself and my life, drink and sometimes take pills, and i isolate myself really bad. If I could stop all these things I think I have a real shot at recovering from this horrible depression. Maybe these things are simply the cause of it in the first place.I just want so badly to get better and that is the first step.

Last night the penne con fungi e proscuitto and peppercorn steak was amazing. I ate the amount I'd planned and no more!

Haven't eaten today yet (like to jog on an empty stomach) but I plan to have a healthy breakfast (oatmeal) before heading to town to run errands and to my therapists. I have an awesome therapist (we shall call her M) but I have not seen her for some time. Am excited (but a little scared) for the apt. Plan to be very honest with her though.

Feeling good in spirit but a little headachy and tired.

This (hopefully) will be my third day bp free.

I had a good day in many ways. I had a wonderful jog on the beach this morning. Took my son to his gymnastics class. Was able to drive by the places I like to buy my bp food. However I skipped lunch in order to eat a high calorie meal at my parents house this evening. My brother is a cooking student. He's home for the weekend and is treating us to penne con fungi e proscuitto and peppercorn steak. Thanks bro. I know I shouldn't skip meals but, well, I did. Now (suppers almost ready) I am cranky and ravenous. It better be good and I hope not to loose control and binge. I think I'll be ok.

From a bad day yesterday to a fairly ok day today.

How I gauge ok nowadays is not having too much food and not b/p-ing. So by that measure today was a good day!

Spending time with friends and family helps to distract me from the urge to binge/purge.

Here's hoping that tomorrow will not un-do my good mood from today (^-^)

Despite an overall god day yesterday, today has been a disaster from start to finish!
I binged, and binged and couldn't purge properly.
I feel tired. The worst thing is I have no motivation to do anything!

I know that I need to do something to address this problem(sitting on the bathroom floor crying is not normal right?!?!), but I just can't seem to turn this all around.

I DO want to, but my actions don't suggest that~

The longer I stay like this the more weight I am gaining. I don't understand why that fact alone doesnt make me not want to eat~

I wish I could understand the mind. It must be really cool to study something like psycho/neuro analysis~

I suppose I need to think about what I am doing, but I have no energy for such deep thinking...aarg! catch 22!

Day two of back to recovery for me and being busy and distracted is truly the best way to spend the day.

There was no time for b/p as I was busy gardening pretty much all day.

I also had to make dinner for myself and my two brothers. Pretty simple stuff like chicken, veg., chips. But I went a little bit further and even made sushi! My bros aren't all that into it so I can never just make sushi as dinner. And even though I feel like I ate a lot, it was because I actually like it and not some mindless binge. Eating this kind of food doesnt make me feel like a failure. Which is nice!

What I've learned from today, being busy is good! So I'm going to try keep myself busy again tomorrow :P

I decided to make a fresh stab at recovery today.

Nonetheless, I also b/p again today.

I wish there was a magic potion to make the urge to b/p disappear.

I just don't want to continue to be stuck in this rut. Tomorrow will be a new day.

Unfortunately, the only way I feel better is when I'm losing weight. I see it as progress away from the control that bulimia has over me. It is perhaps a bad motivation... but for now, it seems to be something that might help be break away from bulimia.
That and getting healthy, which I guess should by all means be a priority.

My short term goal is to avoid bulimic thoughts/actions.
My long-term goal is for mt priorities to re-align themselves to their natural order~

Here's to a better tomorrow~

Having been in a kind of self recovery for a while I think that I have made 'some' progress. But in reality that progress has been next to none. The major factor that I have achieved in recovery is accepting that bulimia is not a sustainable way of life. It is extremely unhealthy and serves but to feed a growing sense of loss.

Today has come to be day 3 of a heavy b/p cycle and I can really feel it in my body. I feel sluggish, heavy, thicker, tired... the list of uncomfortable adjectives is unending really~

As I write this my mouth and tongue are sore with blisters, my lips cracked, my eyes slightly swollen and red... my expression forlorn~ :(

I want it no more. Never did I want this. Bulimia is a painful condition. I want out! I want out!

In an attempt to renew my spirit in the fight against this disorder I plan to keep a daily recovery blog, detailing struggles, accomplishments etc... Hopefully it will prove useful as I feel as though I have hit rock bottom. Ní chuirfidh mé suas leis níos mó!

Advice and ideas are appreciated!