Bulimia Help

I hate the holidays. Having nothing to distract me and all my friends too preoccupied with their lives to talk to me.
My parents have gone away again, its almost been a week alone in the house and this lonliness is starting to really get to me. I gave in again, after a whole day of fighting the urge I slipped up, 2 days in a row I binged and purged. I know I did it because I feel so alone, I overthink things and those same old thoughts keep popping into my head over and over again. I feel trapped, like b/ping again has left me numb, I went to a barbeque last night and all I could think about was how I didn't deserve to be eating it - I'd been good all day and just ruined it. I tried joining in on the conversation but felt tongue tied as to what to say. I almost told one of my friends but didn't know how to approach it, then felt stupid for ever bringing the topic up. I'm worried that I'm slipping back into a dark place again and I don't know how to get out.

So, here I am again... I quit individual therapist, group and nutritionist sessions of once a week each to go to a PHP treatment facility.

It is the best choice I ever made. Event hough insurance is not paying all of it and it is a financial burden I realized that I had to do something substantial about my life-long ed.
I went from being an obese child, suffering from emotional eating that turned into binge eating at the age of 9 or 10 to become bulimic when I was 12. Ever since I had restricting phases during which I would lose weight but I would usually gain it back. So I lived through significant weight shifts... I also lost weight the healthy weight, but it developed into purging via over-exercising in addition to b/p and restricting behaviors. Vicious vicious cycle... I passed out many times, I had health issues and I even would see doctors but never did anyone diagnose my illness until I broke down in April ans seeked help. At first it even got worse, especially over the summer months during which I also hit my lowest-weight ever.

I am in a 10 hour PHP treatment facility now since mid December and I wished I could stay until I was fully recovered, howeber I have to go back to school and work by the end of next week. I am scared, but just now I realize that recovery is the only way to live. I don't want to live in my disease anymore.

This commitment is my driving force and I want everysingle one of you to know, that you have to take care of yourself. You have to commit to recovery to get over it. Bulimia can kill: Sometimes slowly, sometimes fast, sometimes unexpected... but everyone can kill Bulimia. Commit to recovery and if you can seek help outside of your secret world, please do it. Please.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life. And in fact every other day can be, too. Don't look back. Look ahead.

Today has been a very not good recovery day. So far. Recovery doesn't have to wait til tomorrow, right? I can not b/p anymore today, life starts now. I purge cause I'm depressed and want to get things out of me, for control. But it feeds its self, making me depressed further, taking real control from me and replacing it with a facade.
Gotta get a councilor, have someone working with me to stop needing to punish myself. I don't want to just replace this with another compulsion again, this one just sits dormant, waiting patiently to resurface.
Not gonna pressure myself to end this on some positive note 'cause that's what I think I should do. Just gonna let this be what it is, in all it's roundness.

Hey im in Australia and just relapsed...i spent 22 days clean no b/p but recently been emotional and stressed and fell back into my old ways...its horrible and i hate myself at the moment...i really dont want to live like this!!!

So if anyone lives in Australia and is/wants a caring and helpful buddy please contact me :) i live in NSW!!

I had a rreally good day, on day three of no bingeing. THis is a major acomplishment for me as I have been out of control the past month. I feel good, my mouth dosent hurt and My throat feels better, I just have to keep this up

I wrote like a week ago i quit structured eating. Well, it almost killed me to be honest. I started starving myself again so the binges came back. I guess i had this last week a couple of litres ice cream and some kilos of chocolate, not to mention the rest of the things i ate.

A few days after i had this relapse, school started again after summer break and i started doing an early morning paper round. While writing this, the feeling of having control (which after all i didnt have) and the insecurity was probably a pretty big trigger.

So my life became really busy again not soon after my relapse. Due to a lack of (healthy) food, starving and screwing up my metabolism i thought i would die. Yes i was pretty sure. And thats why im back to recovery!

I cant live my life like this, feeling every moment like my heart is like a vulcano, the exhaustion in my body and the pain in my throat. Not to mention the muscle pain and the pain in my teeth.

I didnt have a binge since 2 am. And thats pretty long! I just had chinese food from my work and ate it all. First i thought i'd purge but then i didnt because i knew it would make things worse.

One day i'll be healthy and happy again & that is what keeps me going!

Oh, and i went out last night but didn't drink. I promised myself not to drink til christmas. It was damn hard, and yes it was! But I pulled through. It scared me because i really felt addicted. But I didn't drink and that's what counts!

I'll start using this site again too, to keep track of my eating habits and writing it all down since no one is around here to talk about.