Bulimia Help

Her fragile fingers fumble inside her pockets, searching for warmth she cannot find. Overwhelmed and ambushed, she sits nervously. Surrounded by a circle of her loved ones, tears stream down their cheeks as they read letters filled with love, hope, and concern. Words she longed to hear her entire life finally spoken. Her pain realized.

But help does not always come. Loved ones do not always know what to do, what to say, how to act. Sometimes, we are so adept at hiding our behavior that no one notices that we may be in danger. Some of us isolate ourselves to conceal our struggle. For those of us who are not confronted, we must become our own advocates. We must stand up for ourselves.

Self-Intervention is having the courage to admit to yourself that there just may be a better way. It is listening to that inner voice, however quiet it may be, that cries out for your help. When you are recovered, it will be one of the things you look back on and are most proud of. The moment you decided to fight.

Finding the right treatment can be a daunting undertaking. Rader Programs include Inpatient, Outpatient, structured Daycare Sessions, Continuing Care and Family treatment programs to suit each individual's particular needs. You will act as an integral part of your treatment team; your voice will be heard. All you have to do, is reach out...

It's not your fault.
You're not alone.
We can help.

http://www.raderprograms.com/jenns-blog

ok so last night i b/p'd on my day 6. i guess this morning is different b/c i am not beatin myself up over it. im resuming my normal structured eating and not trying to feel guilt, b/c i know where that leads me. i will go on a healthy beach walk to get some air and reflect on what a wonderful day i will have. So often i try to do things like recovery with perfectionism, but i am slowly learning that perfectionism will only set me up for failure. this is life, and life has bumps in the road and THAT is what makes it a learning experience. I never thought id even go a day w/o B/P and drinking, so going 5 days in a ROW shows me that my life is on the way to recovery. thank you all for this website b/c i felt so alone before i began to read everyone else's stories. Have a beautiful day!

Hey guys! It's day 4 for me, no alcohol and no B/P. Ive been eating structurally and even though we arent supposed to use "diets" I have gone back to using WW Points to help me. It seems to be working, Ive been getting a sufficient amount of calories I think, even though I DO get a bloated tummy at night. Im trying to eat 5-6 small meals to regulate my metabolism. I am 25 years old and started my bulimia in conjunction with my alcoholism about 3 years ago. I started to go to AA meetings (for real this time) on the 23rd and have met amazing people there and also through this wonderful website! It's always nice to meet new friends here so feel free to ask questions or introduce yourself!
Your new friend,
Lindsay

So last night I had a really terrible binge, the worst one in a while. I don't think I realized how much I was eating when it happened, something in my brain just turned off (probably that little voice that would tell me that eating the entire kitchen is a BAD idea...). After a certain point in what could have been a perfectly normal meal (although I was a bit stressed from a mini-binge I'd had at lunch with a friend, I could have just eaten a smaller dinner and left it at that), I for some reason just gave up and decided to stuff myself with as much food as possible so I could get it all out at once. This unconscious idea ended up being two sets of binging/purging, and then another binging WITHOUT purging just because my body felt so battered (and I'd seen a little blood in the last purge...) I couldn't stand the thought of barfing again.
BUT... when I woke up this morning, the first thing my mom said was "I noticed you binged last night,". I just recently- a few weeks ago- confided in my mother about my eating disorder, so this feeling of having someone who KNOWS is very new... this morning was the first time anyone has every actually noticed. She asked if I'd purged, and I said yes, and she held me and said she was sorry and that I had to quit this because she loved me and couldn't stand to see me hurt myself.
Today, I will re-begin the recovery process. I woke up feeling crappy and bloated, and my mother was there for me.
Also, she's seeing about getting me a therapist who specializes in eating disorders. I'm not sure how this will go, I'm actually nervous now, like what if he/she thinks my case is a waste of time and I'm just some stupid teenager who probably wants attention? Hah the other day I actually used the therapist thing as an excuse to binge/purge, because hey, thats the condition he/she'll expect me to be in right?
And that's insane.
So today, I'm going to have a PLAN just like I've noticed a lot of others have during times of stress...

It is December 30 at 3:51am. I just had a binge about an hour ago. It wasn't a very large one at all. My stomach is in pain right now. It is probably in combination with menstrual cramps, but it is painful. I scared myself again by reading the health effects of bulimia (trust me, I have done extensive research on this topic. Even in anatomy, I wrote a 20 page paper on the side effects of bulimia. I thought it would help me recover. I am usually a very health conscious person and I worry about growing old because of my fear of diseases and hospitals. Having bulimia is rather ironic). Anyway, I just NEED to recover. I have to be aware that it is going to take a long time. It took a long time for the disease to develop. I even remember all of the stages and how it worsened over the years. It is actually better now than it was a few years ago, but I still b/p every single day.

It is controlling my life. I am secretive and I hide it so well. This is so unlike me! I cannot stand lying anymore. I am traveling this summer and I need to save money for this trip. Stupid me spends all of my money on binge food. It is DISGUSTING.

rant rant rant.

I really don't know what's wrong with me. I feel like I can't beat this. I tried not eating. But then the first thing I ate, even though it was a healthy sandwich, is killing me. All I can think about it running to the bathroom. I don't know if I can get through tonight.

what do i eat after vomiting???

Did you know that July 3rd is "Compliment your mirror day"? An apparently randomly chosen day but over recent months the number of questions I've received about body confidence has increased.

For many years, talking with both clients and friends, it's seemed to me that the things people say to and about that reflection in the mirror is hardly complimentary. It's often treated in a hostile manner rather than a friend. (Yes - a mirror can be a friend and it doesn't have to involve vain behavior.)

I was a member of the brownies as a child. The reason that part of the Girl Guide movement is called brownies is based on the tales of elves (or brownies) that were magical creatures that performed good work. Part of our enrollment ceremony reenacted a story of a child looking for one of those magical creators. Being gently spun in front of a mirror, to the line "twist me and turn me and show me the elf, I look in the water and there saw"... At which stage looking in the mirror, "myself".

Often if someone is fixating about a particular aspect of what they see in a mirror, it's nowhere near (if at all) as obvious to someone else.

You may have seen an early series of the UK TV show, "How to look good naked!" The show follows the journey of one lady from getting a whole new style to suite her and her body, gaining confidence and belief along the way. One section included a selection of woman who lined up, according to their size of a body part that the main participant didn't like about her body. The participant was then asked where in comparison she would stand in that line up.

To the best of my knowledge not one participant ever compared themselves accurately with those around her (and they always placed themselves in a much "worse" position.

So if they weren't using "reality" around them as a comparison, what benchmark of beauty/attractiveness etc is being used?

Aarg. I dont know...how to feel, what to think.. This has been my first b/p free day in weeks. Its ripping me apart. I KNOW its good, i WANT to be free, but its so hard to envision my life WITHOUT the constant stress and preoccupation of food. Its what I want, but I can't imagine it. It seems like someone elses life, never my own. I SEE myself, happy, healthy, ambitious, educated, talented, loved.. and I see the way i am now....fat, alone, out of control, more focused on this disease than work or hobbies or friends or family or love or health or sanity... What I CAN'T picture in my mind is the in-between stage, the "recovery" me... the person who is *starting* to cultivate hobbies, *starting* to keep in better touch with loved ones, who maybe has to run around a corner and take deep breaths and talk myself through cravings and urges and negative thoughts... the person who struggles every day but perseveres... I can see the beginning and end, but not the middle. which is the most important part. at least from the 'beginning' side of it.
I didnt b/p today, but i am still miserable. i still fee crazy and angry and hopeless and overwhelmed and goddamn torn from everyone i love, whom i (falsely) believe could save me. i dont know. maybe they could. if i told them. anyone. maybe someday.