Bulimia Help

Yesterday was supposed to be Day 1. I made it till night time without b/p, then I felt like I couldn't stop it. It's weird - I feel like I have this positive attitude all day about doing well and eating healthfully and then come night time when the urge hits all of my optimism goes out the window. I feel like 'just one more b/p won't hurt.' Wrong - cause now I'm back at square one and apparently stuck back in this crazy cycle. The only thing I can think to do is start over again with Day 1. I'm removing ALL triggering foods from my kitchen and I need to have a serious conversation with my boyfriend when he gets home tonight. I think I need someone to really hold me accountable. I'm thinking maybe if I make him keep a mental note of how much food is in the pantry/fridge each day that I won't be tempted to eat all of it. Also, I usually purge my dinner after he gets in the shower at night - so now I'm going to tell him to make me sit in the bathroom while he takes his shower. This sounds crazy, but I think it might help - worth a shot I guess.
I'm also a little worried about my eating habits when I stop b/p. When I am in recovery, before I eat something I tell myself "okay, you can't purge this, so do you really want to eat it?" The problem with that is, unless it's like a fruit or veggie, my answer is always "no." Thus I revert back to problems with anorexia because I'm too scared to eat if I know I can't purge :\

Okay - here goes Day 1...

xoxo

I have been bulimic for 8 years and im only 21! I have attempted recovery in the past but guess i just wasnt ready at the time. Well, I am so ready now! I cant keep allowing this disguisting disease to contine to control my life! I want a family and to also be healthy for my family! My new year kinda started of to a rough start but im not going to let it get me down! Every day is a new day and im so happy i found this website, I think its going to be very helpful to me!

Step 1

Make a list of 10 things you can do instead of using your eating disorders as a way to cope. This is your level 1 support.
1) Watch House M.D online to distract myself
2) Watch a comedy special
3) work on an art project
4) study for next semester

Yeah, okay, this won't work. what I HONESTLY do when I don't want to use my ed:
5) snort a xanax and take a nap
6) use vicodin
7) use hydrocodone
8) use dxm
9) lapse into my fantasy world
10) alternating playlist of death-metal and classical music.

Step 2
List anybody you can talk to in times of crisis. This is your level 2 support.
-Exactly the reason I always fall back to bulimia. Can't rely on my mom for support when shes the main source of my anxiety to b/p in the first place.
-16 year old brother is a possibility.
-Just told dana about my ed and shes definitely supportive.

Step 3
List your outside support network. Your therapist, your GP, your dietitian etc. This is your level 3 support.
-therapist is amazing but i dont want to bug her with a crisis call incase shes too busy

Step 4
After the list is completed, keep it in a place where it can be accessed when needed. (refrigerator, cupboard, in your notes or journal).
-Or a blog! =]

Step 5
In a time of crisis refer to the list
-lets hope so...

Well although for a long time now i've told myself i'll just naturally be able to stop this bulimia some time soon, i've finally realised thats just not gonna happen. I have to actively make a strong effort to get better and persist with it. It DEFINATELY wont be easy, but i need this so much. I want to be healthy, stop my parents worrying, stop lying all the time, and most importantly, i want to be happy again.

I know now that this will take time, so for my first step im not going to try and stop all of a sudden-ive tried that before and it only leads to more self-hatred. So, for my first step(and it is a step even if it isn't much)is to record every single time i eat, regardless of whether i throw it up afterwards. Of course i will also record what i throw up and what i dont, but i expect it to be everything. I just need to discover what leads me to binge to start with.

Well it's a new day tomorrow.

Many people think I have a serious issue with food and my therapist is the one that pointed out that many of my symptoms suggest bulimia. The problem is, I'm really not a classic bulimic. I can't throw-up. I've tried (for hours and until the back of my throat is almost raw) to make myself puke and I just can't do it. I stop myself as soon as I feel the vomit coming upwards. Now, maybe this is a blessing in disguise, but instead I wish I could just puke and be done with it (the food, the guilt, the stress). Instead I either take laxatives or exercise for hours (upwards of 3 hours on some days). Is it possible to really be purging if I'm just exercising? What if I just want to exercise after a normal meal, is that considered a purge? Sure I ran 3.5mi this morning in the snow, but I just had lunch and am looking forward to spending some time on the treadmill. It's so frustrating that I can't be successful at eating normally and I can't even be successful at being the perfect bulimic.

okay so this is my first blog entry!!I know its christmas time and I love christmas with a passion but I just cant seem to enjoy it this year. I have exams starting in two days and usually im such a control freak that I wud have started studyin months ago for them but with two days to go I just dont really seem that bothered about them same with christmas I just dont really care. Ive started restricting again which has lead to massive b/p sessions and I really wnat to get better but I think my screwed up mind wants me to be thin even more! I dont think I am ready to get truely better if I still want to lose weight and stay skinny. ugh im just so over this bullshit i want it to end so badly!! well until my next blog toodles!

This has to be it, the time has to be now. Its not that i've never taken the shakey steps into recovery before, its that now is more important than ever to give it 110% before my world crumbles and I loose or ruin everything thats important to me.

So here I am making it public, it seems more real to speak out and say i'm starting my path to recovery rather than the silent attempts of the past which only i know i've failed at.

I'd like to explain the reasons why this is so important and what bulimia has done and is doing to me. This might be long I won't be offended if you don't read past here just wish me luck.

I'm a loner because of this awfull disease i shut myself away from the world, i've lost friendships because i'm scared of letting people in. My self esteem is rock bottom I don't know what there is to like about me, i cringe when i speak to people as i hate what i hear. Any confidence shown is a lie its not real. Sometimes my happiness is false. This is seriously screwed up. I've suffered for all my adult life therefore who am I.

At the moment i'm at risk of damaging relationships and this can't happen. My children are getting older and its not fair to introduce them to my warped way of life. My partner I love him so much but emotionally i'm irrational, needy and fragial which as our relationship is long distance its at very least trying for him.

Then there's my health digestive problems, swollen glands, teeth, seizures just to name a few. Money.... i spend so much its insane oh what i could do with the money i've wasted. And finally time, times so precious never having time for anything but never actually doing much but b/p.

So onwards and upwards hopefully here's to recovery and may it bring me happiness.

The problem with my so called "recovery" is that it has never had a definite beginning. Because I never wanted to be bulimic in the first place, like many of us, I was always trying to fight against it; to not let it become a full blown disorder.

I was anorexic, and "happy" being thin and not worried about my body anymore, even if that's a hideous contradiction in terms. After all, isn't your mind turning against you body and primitive human need for food and nourishment, and all the other things that disappear with anorexia, at least a little worrying? Well, by then all I cared about was greeting my bones in the mirror with a perverse satisfaction every morning. Every evening. Every time I passed a vaguely reflective surface. Cutlery excepted, of course.

So for over a year, I've been trying to grab hold of the slimy, spiky, cunning tail of bulimia. With no luck. And I am not being melodramatic. I'm actually surprised that I'm still alive and have money, the rate I've been spending and eating and vomiting. Ok, so lots of people have had this for longer than I have and are still alive, but I've always seen myself as exceptionally unlucky and accident prone. And I think we all feel like we're about to die when our stomachs have tripled in size and we can't breathe for the amount of crap we've shovelled in there.

well, today is the first day of recovery for me. I've been putting it off for 6 years!! I've had enough, and i just want to eat healthy again. my body isn't coping so well with all this b/p, and i've got to look after my body becuase its the only body i'll ever get and i'm sure my kids want me to be there for them as long as possible too. i know its not an easy thing to stop, but i'm going to give it my best shot!

last thanksgiving, i refused 4 invitations from friends with the excuse that i was looking forward to having some time to myslef with my roommate out of town .... reality: major b/p opportunity....

my roommate just left for the weekend, and i can honestly say that I AM really looking forward to the alone time, and for the right reasons this time....

- i can walk around in my underwear
- crank my music up really loud and dance in the living room
- the puppy gets to sleep on my bead :)
- i get the couch all to myself!

i hope everyone has a great thanksgiving, i know this is gonna be a tough few days for some but stay strong and take it one minute at a time