Bulimia Help

Alright, so last night I binged. Not hugo, not going out and buying for it. Simply, dinner got turned into much more. I could feel my urge to binge earlier in the day. I tried and tried to put it off although I stayed home which wasn't a good idea. I know next time that happens I need to go on a very long walk, take a book, or go do yoga.

The next morning I woke up ready to go swimming to burn calories and to exercise for health. I noticed my stomach is off today and I think I shouldn't swim unless I feel great. Swimming is a lot of work and I want to take it seriously as a new hobby, I don't want to half-ass it! So then ofcourse my mind is like "but what are you going to do to burn those binge calories?"
Well, I ate breakfast! I added to them! lol. I think this is a sign of recovery. I recognized I need to start my metabolism up for today, and feed myself nourishment. I ate two toast, and three dates. Not huge or small.

I think I'm learning from the relapse. Binging is expensive, pointless, tiring, and it makes me feel horrible physically! I do it more when I feel: bad about myself, anxious, depressed, deprived, lonely.

Instead of binging, I should: journal, dance, walk, call a friend/boyfriend, do something creative and fulfilling, reasess if I'm depriving myself and slowly introduce more yummy things.

Goals:
1.) To STOP this relapse. No more b/p or b. I am back on structured eating of three meals and one snack/day.
2.) I want to swim 3 times a week and do yoga 3 times a week!
3.) I want to pay off my credit card!

After 3 weeks of no purging and only about 5 binges (despite still struggling a lot with ED thoughts) this week has sucked big time.

Binged on monday and wednesday then yesterday binged and PURGED twice and drank like a whole bottle of wine :-( Tonight have to work in the bar which is massively triggering but I am so broke and need the money. *DEPRESSED*

I'm currently sharing a room in London with a really sweet colombian girl and we get on really well and I'm wondering whether to tell her about my ED to make me accountable.

I already mentioned that I used to struggle with anorexia and be thin ( i think to try and excuse the fact that i am horribly fat now) and I think she may have noticed I have weird eating habits like one minute eating just raw carrots and the next popping to the kitchen every 2 minutes but I wondered if I should just come clean and tell her the whole thing, will this help me stop?

Last night after I came in from the pub she came in the kitchen while I was eating a cheese toastie and some crisps ( which weren;t mine this is another thing I keep having to buy and replace food I eat during binges oh god what has happened to me).

Anyway I think I should tell her but then worry that this means I literally wont be able to binge at all and then this makes me think maybe I don't even want to get better but how can i possibly want to carry on like this?

AAAARGGGHHH. Sorry for the rant.

FUCK.
Ok, I'm soory for how depressing this post is abotu to be, but I'm sufferreing from depression so badly and I've got to get something down in writing.
I've just been binging without purging for the last couple of weeks,obviously gaining madd weight but honestly I don't care that much. I can;t seem to care abotu anything or do anything like I just can't function. I was put on an anti-depressant called Prozac two days ago, which is also supposed to help with binging episodes. But I''m just having such a hard time. I've searched and searched for solutions but I have no motivation to do anything, of any kind, at all, ever. And it's strange because I'm usually a complusvie walker (not supposed to work out or sweat a lot) and walked really fast for atleast half an hour a day and i would organize my entire day around how to get that walking in. Now, i don't want to walk, i mean i feel like a have to somewhere deep down inside, but i don't want to walk, talk, shower, study for my exam (don't even get me started on how my depression is affecting shcool!). I'm just really having a hard time. And I don't know what to do. Restricting and being underweight is no longer an issue (i'm overweight now) but now theres a whole nother bucket of issues that i hate way way more than i ever hated anoerxia or bulmiia.

I had been doing so well for almost three weeks... then small scale binges started on about wednesday.On thursday, i began bingeing big again. Friday, binge/purge. Then all hell broke loose yesterday when I binged HUGE. It was really sad. Then I purged as much as I could, but I know I didn't get everything out.

Then, today was like yesterday times ten. It was a classic bulimia binge. Classic. Grabbing leftover cake while the other hand is in the bag of cookies. Frantically sipping water throughout. Ripping open rice crispy packages like your life depends on it, etc, etc. Mind numb. Running like a madman to the toilet and letting as much out as you can.

Well, for some reason I only got about 1/4 of it out of me before the bile came. I don't know why this is, and I admit, it made me really really upset. It's like my gag reflex is becoming smaller and smaller, I honestly can barely induce purging anymore, and this scares me because I don't want to feel like I'll ever need to resort to ipecac syrup.

Anyways, I had such a huge binge today, I literally look 3 and half months pregnant. Basically, I feel EXTREMELY SHITTY and EXTREMELY DEPRESSED over this, because I know that my healthy weight loss from 6 months ago has been unraveling... as of last week, I'd already gained almost 4 pounds back. I know that this week of bingeing has probably added another 5 pounds to me. Fuck. I've just been crying like a total baby and I feel so sad right now.

I get out of school on Friday, and I know for a fact I won't be able to go to the beach at all this summer because of my size. I feel so terrible. I even tried exercising today, but I was so light headed and weak, I could barely do 25 jumping jacks.

I hate myself. I hate myself for not being strong enough to have control.

I don't know where to start. Why do I binge when I don't even want to? It seems every time I'm about to binge, I fully know what's about to happen, but some part of my head says "go on" and forces me to do it anyway.

Soo.. I went 2 days b/p free.. which is, progress?
I binged today.. it was insane. I could have easily stopped it.
Why didnt i? I know it's not because I'm weak, because I've gotten through the urges before,
it's something else.. I cant quite put my finger on it yet.

I think it's because I give up too easily, I have no motivation so I tell myself that it's okay to binge, just this once and maybe my cravings will stop for a day or two? Actually, this does work sometimes because I'm so disgusted with myself and food that I have no cravings for food whatsoever for the next few days, i'll test this out tomorrow to make sure, but nobody should be doing this!! It's the dumbest way to recovery..
and even I know, yet, I continue to do it.. ?

I need more motivation, but how do it when I dont even love myself..

okay, I made it to day 7 without a binge, and then I binged tonight.
But it wasnt an emotional binge.. i starved myself all day! so I guess my body was mad at me for not feeding it.
Now i feel like shite because of too much sugar in my system,. no more skipping meals!
i HAVE to stick to my meal plans!

Im so proud of myself,. in 3 months, ive gone from binge eating every day, sometimes even twice,.. fasting on and off.. sometimes doing week long water fasts, blacking out, lacking energy,. feeling foggy etc to eating 3 meals on most days! im proud of me!

i want to shoot for another 10 days symptom free.

i think if I set myself little challenges, ill get there. After I make it to 10 days symptom free, Ill shoot for 14 days. Im rewarding myself with a nice dress tommorow :)
so from tommorow, im going for 10 days, eating ALL my planned meals, no skipping meals, no binge eating and at least 30 mins of excercise 5 times a week. Ill think up another reward once i make it to that goal.

It takes time and effort, but it can be done!

I feel addicted to food sometimes. It's an awful feeling. I don't even enjoy food or eating anymore...I just feel like I need to and like I think about it all the time.

It depresses me. I know there are many reasons for this...reasons that I am beginning to examine. I know that food or purging won't make me feel better. Maybe it did in the beginning but now it's just a never ending cycle. I feel gross all the time. I feel like I start eating and I can't stop.

I came home tonight and I started eating chocolate (yes- I have chocolate in the house now, it's not my decision...). I caught myself in time to realize "wait, I'm hungry and have no energy." So I stopped eating chocolate and made myself a yogurt with fruit and nuts. I felt better about this and yeah, I needed to eat something anyways but then I ate a bowl of pasta with my husband. OK- its dinner it's not so bad. I just felt bad because I was full and didn't need to eat the pasta too...I could have waited till later. I felt like I couldn't stop and even when I did, I wanted to eat more and then purge.

This disorder...this addiction is driving me crazy! I wanted to come home tonight and write in my journal about my therapy session. I still will...later. Now I'm off to the gym to work out because I HAVE to...or at least I feel like I do because I ate so much today.

I'm just scared that when I come home I'll want to binge. I hope I don't...........

Hey! I'm sorry that i haven't been here for a while, but i have had problems with my computer. I really, really missed you! :)

During my absence I've been actually doing pretty well, at some point i managed to achieve 4 days without binging, which is a huge step forward for me. But, unfortunately, something has changed and this week is really hard, i binge every day and it makes me pretty depressed :/ Those binges caused some problems at school, because when i binge i can't focus on anything else + i feel really week because of the purging. I have a really important exam this saturday and i should study, but right now all i can think about is food. Ugh... I hope tomorrow's gonna be better, 'cause otherwise... i don't know. I'm so tired. It's just really discouraging.

So here I am. Binged today. Purged afterwards. I'm soo angry and sad. I know it's too early to expect too much, but i thought I'll be able to have... well, at least more than one day without b/p. But it seems like one day is all i can do right now. And that's pretty discouraging.

On the other hand, there are two good things about this day. First, I'm really surprised, but somehow I've managed to stop my binge at some point. That's something I've never done before... and I'm proud. As a result, the binge wasn't really big (so i can't explain why on earth i've purged afterwards :/ ). The second thing that i'm proud of - the first thought after my binge was "okay, i fucked up so i'm gonna starve myself till the end of the week", but then it was "heey, wait! you've binged, right, but you cannot starve now because it's gonna be even worse!". So i went to this lovely page, read some of your advices and decided to try again tomorrow, just like today's binge never happened. And that's the other thing that i'm proud of :)

So i guess i just have to forgive myself, though i still feel crappy after this b/p. But maybe it's gonna be better, maybe next time i'll be able to stop binges for longer.