Bulimia Help

I am so sick of fighting with my mind day and night. I take OTC sleep meds and still stay awake most of the night. I have made it through 3 days without purging but I am so sick of bingeing at night. I know I won't keep not purging if I continue to binge every night. This may sound bad but I am not willing to get fat in the process of recovery. I may be wrong but I don't think recovery means I need to gain weight. In some people's opinion I am in my weight range but I definitely would feel better with less weight on me. I know that it takes time to beat the bingeing but I don't think I can keep on struggling so bad and just not do anything about it. Tomorrow I have to not binge or I will not keep going with my recovery. I feel very hopeless about this e.d. lately. I have struggled with this for 10 years and enough is enough. I don't want to die but to be honest I wouldn't care if I did so I wouldn't have to fight this bulimia anymore. I get scared when I get in this mind set. I am just feeling extremely low. I started self harming this week for the first time. I have asked for help and seem to be getting no where with that. I am going to bankrupt from all the dumb binge food I buy. I get so sick of hearing people say then just stop. I would have stopped a long time ago if it was just that simple. I used to be anorexic in the very beginning and everyone was concerned when my bones were sticking out. Well I am struggling just as badly now even though my bones aren't sticking out. What else do I need to do to get people to see that I need help and I can't seem to help myself right now. This bulimia must die or I will.

Damn!!! Damn!!! Damn!! I binged again. A pretty standard binge so I feel uncomfortably full and sick from the sugar rush but not in actual pain, although I dont think I could lie on my stomach right now!! I know it must be because I'm stressed about getting my bone density checked, my partner is going to a bucks night tomorrow and mum left homemade blueberry cheesecake in the fridge that I had planned to have ONE portion of........unfortunately that didn't turn out well and now there is only 1/4 out of the 3/4 of the cake that was left in the fridge. Sigh, then there was a copious amount of chocolate....and 3 mini party pies...and throw in a few twisties while your at it....Damn. What annoys me the most is that I don't seem to zone out as much when I binge now that I'm really putting my all into recovery. So the whole time I was thinking, I'm not purging, I can stop this now and I knew I was going to regret it. But for some reason I just kept going, I was getting that rush you know?? There was even one point where I said to myself (in my head) I can stop this if I just think about what I'm doing but at the same time I was reaching for more chocolate to shove in my stupid fat disgusting face! ARGH what the hell?? Why does this disease have to be so shameful and greedy?? Plus, I am stressed about my bones but still didn't stop myself from bingeing!!!! Thank-god that thought helped stop the urge to purge! Another reason I'm not going to purge is because I think my metabolism is actually kicking back in and if I purge I may halt that process once again. I'm thinking maybe having chocolate etc everyday is making me crave sugar even more so I may try sticking to structured eating and having treats only when I'm out or with other people for the time being?? Dunno if this is a good idea or not though?? The treats seem to work but not if I'm home alone!!! Ahhhhhhhhh FMBRAIN!!! Scratch that, FUCK bulimia!

For the past ten days I have been writing down every single thing that I consume, including binges. I have found that it really helps me be responsible for what I eat, and it helps me be more conscious of my binges. When I first started out, I could eat multiple boxes of candy, boxes of cereal, tubs of ice cream, etc.

Now, after writing down what I eat for a while, my binges are smaller. It is really nice. So my binges now consist of only cereal, for example. I am working really hard on whittling this down to not bingeing daily, and I am looking forward to when my binges diminish completely.

Also, I have found that drinking a lot of tea and having plenty of fruits/veggies available helps me not want to binge as bad. It is still really REALLY hard not to binge... but having the right tools around and taking responsibility for my actions makes a huge difference.

I have been finding it VERY hard to be okay with eating meals, and also I can't stop bingeing, therefore, I can't stop purging. My recovery was going good for the first week, and now, it's going nowhere.

I also think this is extra hard because I am kinda chubby, and that makes me feel even more depressed about myself. I feel totally worthless most of the time, and I can't figure out what to do, where to start, how to address this.

I am thinking about talking to one of my friends about it, but I'm not sure if I can trust anybody with my deepest feelings, my biggest insecurities and my biggest secret.

Every calorie I consume makes me feel more and more worthless. I am so confused and lost.

So, I have had a penny drop moment. I had a binge this afternoon, and had a pause mid way. This was a deliberate strategy. I had time to sit with what I had eaten and tot up the amount of calories etc. Well. I decided not to carry on. (that was really really hard) I also decided not to puke.

This was hard (and still is as that is why I am writing this) I want to puke because the food I ate was fatty and salty and full of carbs. I want to puke because I dont want to get fat and I am scared of rejection.

THESE ARE LIES!!!

I dont want to puke because I want to have 'normal' relationship with food. I dont want to because it hurts and I feel dreadful after.

If I dont puke I will have that food in me digesting. Far from being awful that is a good thing. It means that I will be less likely to binge next time- as I am full and I have allowed myself to eat the 'forbidden' foods that I usually deprive myself of. So infact... potentially; (unless it gets out of hand) the idea that bingeing without purgine = obesity is also a lie.

I worked out that my half binge was like a very large meal. And people have those who eat normally- they are just less hungry the next meal, or dont need a snack. So... I can do it too; so what it wasn't at the time when 'main meals' are eaten. I was hungry; whether it was emotional or actual hunger is another matter for discussion another time.

So... if you got through this post... have you ever stopped half way through a binge?

My binge-eating is just getting worse and worse. It's so discouraging.

Today I was given an entire pizza for free at work. The second they handed it to me, I knew I was just going to go home and binge on it. I rushed home and even ate some of it on the way because I was so impatient and just wanted to get some of that food in my mouth. I ended up eating the whole twelve-inch pizza and threw in a bowl of cereal as well. I spent the next hour purging and purging and purging. Then later on, I binged on a huge bowl of oatmeal, a bowl of spaghetti, three pieces of bread, and some Skittles. I feel so out of control.

Ugh I have been so up tight this week, I don't want to call it stressed but I have been feeling on edge about food, I feel fat and gross.
I can not stop thinking about food, I think it is unhelathy how I am obsessing, I am proud of myself though. I only had a little peanut butter (my binge food).

The only problem is I keep trying to think of excuses to go back down to the kitchen to get more... I am sooooo fulll, I don't want ot eat but I keep feeling like I should. but I already feel so gross. I know If I eat anything else I will lose control. Its a mindless feeling.
Why can't my body be satisfied with what I give it! I am on the verge of a binge and its really uncomfortable becuase I know I will feel guilty and purge. I already feel really guilty over that bit of peanut butter. I am NOT going to purge though. I am better than this. ITs like my mind is not my own, I don't want to think about food, how I think I look , or that I am never going to be princess thin and beautiful. I want to accept me the rosie the riveter body type.
Its not a bad thing to be a little curvy, but I can't feel good about myself unless I feel thin. I want to be healthy.
I know who I am but when it comes to my relationship with food I am more lost then a blind man in a maze with no end.

Thats what this feels like I can't see an end, I can't see 'normal', all I see is food all around me. I hate this!
HOw is it that everyone I see knows how to eat a normal size meal and be satisfied with it. why do I have to gadge my meals based on what others are eating. I always make sure I have al ittle less then other people.
What is wrong with me!
What is healthy? Why do I always feel guilty when I feel full?
Why did I ever think to purge in the first place, How the hell did I get this messed up about food. My Mom knows I have an awful food relationship she knows I b/p she is there for me but she lives 3000 miles away, i am far too ashamed to talk to any one else about this.

so today i had an early shift in work and as usual started the day telling myself that i was gonna be healthy and good all day. had some toast a cup of tea and resisted the urge to have some biscuits to dunk in my cuppa. I work at a leisure centre which is probaly not the best place to work when ur obsessed with weight and image as everyone is gymin it or swimming a million lengths.

Had an apple to stop the hunger pains, and then a sandwich at lunch...not good feel bad as ive had bread twice in one day n feeling bloated. Found myself staring at the vending machine, torturing myself as i eyed up the chocolate.

Almost bought something but resisted and paced the corridors to distract myself. Finished my shift and got home, went in shower and sat in my room avoiding the kitchen and the biscuit tin! Waited for my mum to get home so i could eat (cant make myself sick if she is in the next room) had pasta and garlic bread! feeling horrible now, firstly as i had more bread and carbs and secondly because im feeling so full.

Panicking about tomorrow as im on a late shift which means im in the house by myself until 3pm....

so i just ate...XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX!!!!!!!!!!!! like a whole tin! pretty impressive..... hmph. im not throwing up though. no way in hell. im just going to have to deal with it. i havent thrown up in over a week. and i didnt actually want to do it. thats a start right?? I just feel so ugly these days... i cut off all my hair.. i look like a man. ew

the past three days have been shit, especially today. i thought things were going so well...
i just binged SO badly. all i want to do right now is vomit. but i cant because i swore on my boyfriends life i wouldnt do that again... and ive broken that promise before and he doesnt trust me.. i dont know what to do
i cant stop eating! i cant rememebr a time before this shit and it hasnt even been that logn! i have no idea who the hell i am anymore! i chopped off all my hair, look disgusting, im a singer and i always lovede music but now i dont have any motication to sing or write or jam, let alone the voice to do it anymore! i usewd to love dressing up, but now im fat and ugly and disgusting! i used to be able to just have fun and be who i am but now even when i try its stupid because everyone i love is forver cautious. i really wan this to end. and i cant. i keep pretending im ok for oliver, but im not ok! hes so optimistic that thigns will get better, but ive f'ed up his whole life and i dont care about mine anymore. im wodnering whether i should break up with him for his sake.
im such a horrible, greedy lifesucking person.