Bulimia Help

Hey everyone,
I have now been purge free for 2 glorious weeks :D aaaand that's about as good as it gets!
Unfortunately, I have started eating loads, just as if I was going to purge afterwards, but ....not purging afterwards. (2 weeks is the best yet and I'm not going to ruin it by purging!) But I keep grazing, eating, stuffing my face with healthy food and unhealthy food, having days where I eat everything and days where i have structured eating and the gym and feel great (wish there were more of those!)
Does anyone have any advice? Does the overeating eventually stop when your body realizes you're not going to purge? Does your mentality steer away from food and focus on other things again, like it did before eating disorders ruined your life? Does your brain begin to listen to your body??
Thank you thank you thank you :)

Hi,

well I'm back again after a while of not writing on here. I've just got back from seeing a friend which went ok, although was quite stressful, what with food etc.

But that aside, I've got to the point where I am really questioning whether I can ever be recovered from my eating issues and be of a normal, healthy weight. I have been trying hard to eat regularly (3 meals per day plus snacks), for quite a few months now, but continue to exercise obsessively and binge. I think the binging is the worse problem at mo. I am within a healthy BMI, but have gained weight since I started my treatment that I'm getting on the NHS. I'm very very uncomfortable with this and am unsure if I can handle it. I'm terrified that I'll just gain and gain and not stop. I have been both under and over weight in the past, so the fear of gaining is very very real for me. I often feel things are out of my control and really need some kind of guidance.

It's got to a point where I feel very uncomfortable in my skin; hate being around other people and just feel so depressed and down on myself. Everyone tells me I look lovely, but I don't believe them. I want to be as far away from the fat person I used to be as I can, which is partly why the weight gain I've had has hit me so hard.

If there is anyone around with BMI within the range of 21-22, who has had similar issues, I'd really love it if you could comment here. Have you managed to recover? What helped you? The reason i'm being a bit spacific regarding BMI is because my dietition said that if I have a low BMI, then I am likely to binge. But as my BMI is within the normal range, and as these binges are still happening, I need advice from someone who is in a similar situation to me!! Please please please!!!

love Texter

So I think I'm totally done or almost totally done with purging- now the only trouble is unstable eating. I still overeat and binge, don't eat at normal mealtimes because I'm with my boyfriend, and all of that bad stuff. One reason in particular I do this is because I'm constantly (I mean like almost every day for the past few weeks) smoking pot and when I come down, I have munchies from hell. The time I get munchies usually coincides with the time Daniel drops me off at home, which means I raid the kitchen without supervision. I really want to do better. I really want to. I just need to let this go and try. What I'm going to do is: keep a recovery meal plan with me at all times, eat when I should and remember when to stop, and find something else to keep me busy when I'm high. Oh and I also need to re-start exercising- it just makes me feel so much better.
I'm getting my life back, and nothing will stop me.

There's so many things postive in my life, but yet they all seem to be shaded by the massive negative of this..thing, Yes I am refering to Bulimia as a thing as i'm at the point of realising it's nothing more than a rediculious hurdle I am yet to overcome, I sit and think about how many things i've had to overcome in my past, My anxiety being the main one, suffering with an extreme case of anxiety since the age of 10 wasn't exactly something I wanted to have. I ended up in some of my most darkest days in all my life with it thinking I'd never be able to get rid of it, countless times I ended up in the hospital from passing out and genreally losing it. Will the same crap happen with Bulimia? I don't want to go through EVERYTHING i did with the anxiety, It just seems stupid seeing the anxiety wasn't something i chose to have, but the bulimia I DID this to myself, I'm hurting myself and why? to look good? and be thin? I see the way people look at half starved people on the street and it's not a look of "she/he looks good" it's more of a "That poor girl/boy.." When i hit my lowest weight and you could see all my ribs, my collarbone and my hips, everything about me was skinny, I felt good in myself but now.. I sit and think about how many people looked at me and KNEW i had a problem before i even knew, and that's something I still think about now. How could I of been so stupid to get that way, what in the world posessed me to let myself go so much. I don't want to be fat and pretend to be happy, I've put weight on and I WILL NOT LIE I absolutely despise it, I look in the mirror and I hate what I see..but just like the Anxiety which i've delt with for so long, things will get in the way and I won't be able to one day be bulimic and the next day not be, Whoever thinks that I am sorry to say, it's the biggest bunch of bollocks. I will take one step foward and three back, But atleast as little as it was, it was still a step.

Checked my weight...I'm freakin huge. My pants barely fit and yet somehow I can't even go one day without binging. Everything I eat...even if healthy adds pounds. I feel like absolute poo!!

okay well yesterday i got rid of my breakfast and god rid of my dinner....well tried to.

but then on the way home i stopped and got a fiber chocolate bar thing and decided that you know what im gonna friggen binge and not purge. i didnt do it out of desperation or sadness. i just did it for the sole fact that my body has been deprived and it needed to be "smacked" awake and realize im not going to hurt it anymore.

so i ate one of those quaker chewy bars, a half a bagel and 2 slices of pizza as well. the WEIRDEST part of this is i wasnt even uncomfortably full. i felt heavy but not busting at the seams. ive felt worse after leaving sweet tomatoes than i did last night.

i can say however i didnt go to sleep wishing for a sundae or praying for the skies to rain ice cream (i watched cloudy with a chance of meatballs the other day haha) i went to sleep thinking about my new kitty who is due to arrive this weekend and i thought about all the things i have to clean today and all the things im going to do with my friends when they come visit me.

i guess my body really did just need a reminder that i will feed it. it just proved to me as well the amount of mental stress i put on my head while restricting. restricting= unhealthy food obsession.

and although i feel sort of bad about it. im not too worried. today i got up and my stomach still growled and i soothed it with a cup of coffee and after i get some housework done i have a granola bar for my breakfast. i also decided not to chicken out of my lunch date with my friend. theres this jazzy health food restaraunt i love that we're meeting at. they have the BEST oriental chicken salads <33

the only thing that im feeling as a reprocussion of my behavior last night is i have to poop....like ive gone twice already haha and ive only been awake for an hour.

i will be good today haha. too many good things are coming my way....and i need to be happy for that.

I've had a bad couple of weeks. I've been b/p'ing and restricting constantly due to stress induced by a test and having to finnish work samples forsome schools. Yesterday was sort of fine though, I binged, but I didn't purge and I wasn't hungry for the rest of the day so I didn't feel guilty over the binge.

But today... I was at work and messed up big time. I forgot handing over half of an order in the bakery because I didn't see the other two bags, which resulted in us having to pay back the $273 for the order. That's a pretty hefty sum for our small bakery. I told the boss how sorry I was over this and he was pretty okay with it. But I felt such a guilt since it's such a small bakery and it's family-run and everyone who works there are either family or friends to the family. So I planned to binge big time after closing up, to punish myself for this mistake. But after starting the binge I felt that I wasn't given any satisfaction from it. I actually felt full after what a normal person would have. So I stopped the binge and thought what I could to make up for it. I had noticed that there were several plates of cookies that were to be packaged tomorrow. So after cleaning up and leaving everything sparkling clean, I packaged the plates so tomorrow's staff could focus on selling instead of packaging. I was there two hours after my work day ends, and I decided to write off the last three hours. I know this isn't going to cover the costs, but at least it shows that I care about the place.

So it turned out to be a pretty good day after all. =)

It's been pretty stressful at school, full of hastily finishing late homework and catching up with friends. I got to talk to my counselor for 30 minutes or so today, but I'm not sure how much it is helping. Even though I talked to my counselor today, I came home and binged, not too terribly much, but I'm really full. Unfortunately my mom is making dinner now, and I really feel like I should purge but I know I shouldn't....guess I'll have to eat until I'm even more stuffed. Super =P

It's been a battle these past 5 days. For 5 days, I haven't binged. For about 2 weeks, I haven't purged. And until about 30 minutes ago, I felt pretty good. That is until I binged. =P

And I feel like continuing the binge, since I haven't had a binge in what has seemed like forever. But I feel things are definitely getting better. After I had one banana and one granola bar (even though I wasn't even that hungry) I told myself I didn't want to eat anymore. As I looked into the cupboard, I thought to myself, "This is where I should walk away. This is the point where I promised my counselor that I would try walking away." As I reached for the granola bar, I told myself "I could just put it back and walk away without a binge," but I tore open the wrapper anyways. As I was about to take my first bite, I thought "After this, it's the point of no return." Then before I knew it, in about 30 seconds, I had eaten 160 calories. Just like that. And that was my second granola bar of the afternoon. So I continued on to the rest of the binge, still feeling kinda reluctant. But I just kept grazing, and the binge didn't last long enough. I didn't eat enough to feel numb; I still feel like eating yet I'm not really hungry. I need to stop but I don't want to. I need to walk away. I need to get away from all the food that's talking to me from the kitchen cupboard.

Hey, I was just curious if anyone else experiences any problems with exercising since bulimia/binge eating.... here is what I have noticed:

I have discovered something about my exercise. Way back when, exercise use to be my release. I could run for miles, weight train, and do whatever to relieve my stress and it encouraged me to eat healthier and better. But now, it is such a trigger for me. Every time I try to start exercising again it becomes obsessive and stressful. It seems as if my entire life revolves around exercise and burning calories when I'm "consciously" trying to workout. Exercise also gives me the excuse to eat more (than I need to). I tend to over eat much more often when I'm in workout mode. It just sucks, because exercise use to be something I truly enjoyed until my ED got a hold of it. I have tried monitoring my time spent exercising... but it DOESNT work. Once I start, I become obsessive. Does any one else have any of these issues?