Bulimia Help

Today was a good day. I had brunch with my dad and managed to really try to listen to my fullness (even amongst the chaos of a very busy restaurant.) I stopped when I felt satisfied, which is something that became very difficult for me as my bulimia progressed.

I spent the day cleaning and even allowed myself a nap. I baked my step father a cake (the first time I have been able to bake in a couple months.) Family meal with everyone went very well and again i was able to focus on my choices and even enjoy a piece of cake. No bloating, no guilt, no obsessive thoughts!! I was feeling so so good.

And then a neighbor stopped by with a friend of theirs. And that friend came up and patted my belly- because she thought I was pregnant.

I wanted to cry. I still kind of do.

For the last year, I was abusing my mother's anti-depressant whose side effect is weightloss. She stopped using it, I stopped stealing it, and I feel like I have really gained weight. I seriously feel huge all the time and I know I eat a lot, but I also exercise for two hours a day (more or less) five or six days a week. I don't feel attractive at all and I really, really want to lose weight but I don't want to go back to super restrictive ways.. I guess this is my body getting tired of being so hard on itself..

I also haven't had my period for almost a year and a half and I feel like if I do get it, I'll have failed because that means I have more fat than I did before. No one will tell me I'm heavier, which is what I need to hear in order to stop eating so much.

When I think about it, though, I know that being five or ten pounds thinner won't make me happy, not even a little. I'll be stressed, pale, depressed, cold and volatile towards my family and friends like I was last winter when I was pretty tiny (for my 5'9 frame).

I just want to feel like I'm attractive as I am. Or that i'm worth a shit. So ready to be over this.

Why is it so hard to be nice to myself??