Bulimia Help

Today I was standing in front of the mirror after I had showered. There is so much I dislike on my body. So far in recovery I have been having a bit of an "I can deal with it" approach toward my looks and my weight gain. However, I don't want to just be able to "deal with it". I want to be able to love myself and like what I see. No matter how good of a place my mind is in, I still don't like my body. I still don't want anyone to see me without clothes or touch me. I really wonder if I ever will like my body for what it is or if I, despite recovery, will have to change it in order to do so. I love the way I have been able to change my attitude and the way I think. I like what my body can do. I just hate the way I look.

xx Lisa

Every time we step on the scale, what are we ACTUALLY measuring? Our "success"? Our "self worth"? Our "beauty"? I hate to break it to you but the scale can't measure any of these things.

What then are we measuring? The number on the scale tells us the weight of our 206 bones, hundreds of muscles, brain, heart, liver, kidneys, pancreas, lungs, intestines, blood, skin, and yes, fat. When the number on the scale changes we have no way of knowing if we lost or gained fat or something else like fluid, muscle mass, or bone density!!

Another key thing I'd like to point out is that each of us is built differently. For example, I walked on stage at a lean 158lb for a fitness competition (I'm 5'8") and i was a size 6! Nobody would believe me when I told them how much I weighed! One lb of muscle takes up way less space than one lb of fat :)

I urge you to stop weighing yourself and find out how YOU define success, self worth, and beauty. Throw out your popular magazines that glorify skinny and slim! CREATE YOUR OWN IDEALS! You have and are everything you need to be ;)

I joined this site about 2 yrs ago. I have been in various stages of recovery and illness since then. I moved in with my boyfriend a few weeks ago and have been really happy and purge free though not binge free. At some times, I feel so happy with myself and for that I am so grateful!! This is a new feeling for me. Other times however, I feel like all i see is thighs, cellulite, laziness, imperfection, negativity, jealousy and all the things about me that I don't like. I am writing today because I can recognize my thoughts slipping to the negative. I'm trying to turn this around because I know this is how my cycle of disordered eating and self loathing begins. I use my eating disorder as a means to control and supress feelings. If i start comparing myself to other people and feel bad because i'm not as pretty, as thin, or have as nice of clothes or whatever i think well..i can purge and feel great and get skinny! then it'll all be ok. which i know is not reality. i just want to get myself in check. i need to focus on positives and do something productive rather than sit around lost in thought. do something that makes me feel good not bad. i've come a long way. i think its unreasonable to believe you can be happy with yourself 24/7 and love your body all the time. i need to be content and understand that my body is great the way it is and that it allows me to do so many things and does not have to be a perfect size 2. i need to work with my body not against it. i praise god for my health and my ability to run, take care of myself, take care of other people and do all the other things i enjoy. the media just pollutes my mind and makes me think that the way i am is not good enough. there is a christian song with a verse "there can never be a more beautiful you" and i think thats true. i'm not perfect, but i'm the person god made me to be. i need to appreciate that and be grateful. in my profession as a nurse i see that life is often too short.

Does anyone else feel the vicious cycle of bulimia continues because they hate their body shape? I feel fat everyday. And ironically, bulimia doesn't make you lose weight, it makes your weight worse? It's sad to say, but I'd rather have anorexia again than this torment!

I know I'm not fat. I know I'm healthy. I know my weight is normal. I also know, since I've weighed myself for the first time in weeks, that I have gained back all the weight I had lost this year( around 15 pounds) and more. How can that happen in as little as 4 months? Who the hell knows... I just want to starve to death now until I'm as thin as a toothpick ( yes, I KNOW that sounds crazy but this is just how I feel tonight). I feel like sleeping forever.

Hey guys! I found a video on Youtube which I think will be very helpful to us in accepting our bodies. It's about something called Somato body typing, or metabolic body typing.

In short, in the video, the hostess says that we are not all meant to be the same shape or size. Just like people have different shaped faces, we also have different shaped bodies. And in her words, "one man's medicine may be another man's poison", so dieting and exercise regimes do not work universally. Furthermore, while some people are easily able to maintain healthy figures, others may have to work at it.

I'm not actually going to post a link to the video, because it does contain some pictures of skinny girls, even if the reason they are included is simply to illustrate the danger of thinspo sites. BUT, the main message is: we are all MEANT to be different. :)

After the past few days in a living hell, i woke up this morning & felt somewhat okay. I looked outside & saw the beautiful sun shining & decided i was going to get off my ass & go for a run. so i went up to my room to get dressed & now i feel TERRIBLE. i feel huge & fat & chubby & disgusting & like i gained 2948107 lbs. its hard to be motivated to run when you are just SO disgusted in yourself. im just so angry. idk what to do :\

Just returned from the beach! I had a great time, and ate normally the whole time! It did wonders for my soul, and although I had a few times were I had some raging internal dialogue about being in a bathing suit in front of so many people and a few of the things I ate, this trip came at a really good time in my recovery. It was good to just relax and recharge my mind, body, and soul. Now that I am back, I feel stronger and ready to take on the rest of my goals that I set for myself that I could ABSOLUTELY not think of doing until I made ED take a backseat. Things like moving back to my hometown, looking for a more fulfilling job, and enrolling in school for my master's degree. Still fighting every day, but it's day 41, and I'm not looking back. Only ahead.

I'm so sick of feeling blah. It seems like ever since I have had my ED, I don't experience things like I use to. I don't have the same feelings. There are no longer true feelings of happiness, contentment, and excitement. Everything is ALWAYS tainted by my body, weight, and issues with food/exercise. It seems like the only feelings I notice are shame, frustration, and fear. I'm constantly worried about bingeing and being fat. I'm also constantly beating myself up for not working out enough, being lazy, over eating, and for my body size. But, no matter how hard I try, it's never good enough. And, I'm constantly reminded that I'm not my skinny self any more and therefore, I'm not good enough.

I'm getting better at getting over my food issues, but it's still really bad with my body image. I seriously believe that because of the way I feel about my body - I don't experience life to the fullest, love people as much as a could, feel as happy as I could. Ugh. I shouldn't let this bother me - and I shouldn't let my body image get to me. It isn't worth it - but I feel like it's so important and necessary?! Why!?

ahh last night i wore my normal jeans and it just made me so sad. i ws out and saw my massive love handles in the mirror. they barely fit. i was so upset. i went home and i didnt binge at first becuse i knew it wouldnt help but then i gave in and did. today, after reading a blog ive decided to ask myself what will make me happy.

then, today, after weighing myself to see just how much i had put on and as a motivation not to binge (i felt this wouldnt be a trigger and it hasnt been so thats good) my mum and i got into a fight only for her to bring up how selfish i was and how i as a liar and a bitch and how she hated living with me and putting up with my history of cutting and bulimia. she told me never to do it again a few years ago or she would move me to another school and i dont know if she thinks i still do it but she was mighty angry at me. saying i was trying to make life hard for her and i was a horrible sneaky, lying person.

clearly i was sneaking around and lying but i just feel like its not something i did against her or even to her directly...maybe im wrong but i feel its the bulimia.. not me doing something against her. id stop if i could.. but i couldnt then.. i can now :)