Bulimia Help

Its not the first time i will be saying something about this ongoing nightmare for the last 5/6 years. All of my family members know, my parents, my older and younger siblings. i confessed to my mom because i wanted to stop and i thought that maybe if everything was out in the open it would be enough to make me stop binge eating and rushing to the bahroom to throw up. but somehow it still does'nt affect me. it kills my parents they really want to see their seventeen year old daughter to be healthy and smiling and not fighting with this disease, all my friends think im pretty and compliment me all the time but it is never enough to make me realize that maybe i do not need to eat tons and throw up just because it makes me feel good or because it takes my mind of things when im busy stuffing my face.

i guess it was a few months back that i think i found the root cause. it probably has something to do with abuse, i cannot bring myself to speak out the details because it hurts too much and saying it aloud would make it into reality, i just want to leave everything behind and start a new life, and i pray that all the people stuggling with eating disorders find the strengh in themselves to realize that we need to make lives better for ourselves, i just need a little support and love and i'll be on my way,

Sitting here crying, my sons head catching my tears , i feel so hopeless like i often do , getting frustrated just typing this , thinking about numbers, food, bping. My next plan of action , knowing soon i'll go back to restricting and living off a diet of fucking cigs and coffee with nibble here and there only to feel guilty. I know my son feels how anxious i am getting , i hate this feeling , i hate not knowing what i look like. I make jokes constantly to cover up the way this makes me feel. I just want to be better , i just want to get better , but i wont.

What is getting better? just not bingeing ? Going back to restricting and writing down everything, i:m trying so hard to be a good mom for my son but good moms dont purge in front of the people they love most. Good moms would get better , the only thing i ever did for my son was stop while i carried him. After he was out i started up that very week. I'm so mad all the time and i wish i wasn't i'm mad at myself for being like this. I feel like i have two children both i nurture and take care of except one brings me so much joy while the other brings me on an emotional rollercoaster.

I have this feeling in my chest that makes me want to fucking end this shit , its like this voice inside my heads thats telling me there is no pain worse then what i am feeliing now.

Today was such a hellish experience...just like yesterday. Why am I not surprised? So I work at a summer camp and at the store there, I bought a ton of binge food and hid it in my bag and binged/purged on it later that night. (If you're easily triggered, maybe don't read on?) I ended up buying a pack of cookies (10 peanut butter oreos), 2 poptarts, a large snickers bar, and a bag of cheese itz...not to mention before that my dinner was an outrageous amount of baked ziti and a heaping bowl of rainbow sorbet. I couldn't stop eating even though I was so full that I couldn't breathe. I wanted so badly to just end the binge halfway and purge it then, but something would not let me. I could not stop. Despite taking on fullness to a whole new level, I kept going until I had realized that if I went anymore past my limit, I might actually die of the pain. I went downstairs and purged...my mom kept walking by the door telling me that I need to stop this. Sadly, I can't...not even for the people I care about. My parents think I don't give a crap about them, when I actually do. My ED makes me selfish and stubborn, when I was born generous and caring. I hate that it's taken away so many of my valuable traits and left me alone with the pain of knowing that this is all that I'll ever be. I'm ashamed of everything I do because I feel like it's going to be all for nothing. I hate it.

Hi I'm Ashley, I just joined today. I have been bulimic for 4 years. When I started out I lost 30 pounds and kept it off for about 5 months with b/p. I slowly started to gain it back and I haven't stoped purging since. I binge so bad and I hate myself for it, I know I'm gonna be mad at myself and feel horrible before I do it and I do it anyway hoping that this time it will be different and I will feel good after I purge. I never do. All of my relationships have suffered because of this disease. I feel like no one will ever like me enough to date me, I'm so disgusting I know that no one will ever find me attractive. Not only am I fat and huge but I'm 5'10 so I feel like a beast! I don't know how I will ever recover from this disease, I can't imagine my life without it. I can't imagine eating a normal meal. I want to get better but at the same time I don't because I don't want to be fat! I don't want to live being fat like this anymore! It's not worth it to me.

I'm going on an 8-Day cruise with my family tomorrow and I am scared shitless. Last years cruise was horrendous. I was purging at least 6 times a day, due to the open buffets and 24-hour food service.
I've been b/p this week because of how terrified I am.

I can't even enjoy the thought of a vacation! This seems like an 8-day torture chamber that's about to rip me into shreds.
What triggers me the most is wanting a flat tummy after meals since I'll be in a bathing suit most of the time or form-fitting clothing.

The worst part is that after 4 years of my bulimia, my family is unfazed. I've told my brother to STOP ME if he sees me binging but every time he had in the past, I blew up on him and told him "I already started, I'm going to purge anyway" and he has given up. I talked to him yesterday and he said "why? you're just going to make excuses. I can't stop you."

At this point I want to put recovery on the side until I come back and hope I don't have a heart attack by next week :(

I need to hire a big muscle man to be my food-guard and just put his hand out if he sees me reaching for binge food, and promptly carry me away to a safer place.

Hiiiiiiii there. It's me, formerly known as rhya. Rhya is a nickname with a long story behind it, by Kate is my real name. I deleted my account here because I was fed up and I didn't want to recover anymore and I thought that by being on this site I was only triggering others and bringing people down with me. But then i realized that this site was the only place where I have ever actually started a blog and stuck to it, and I felt badly about leaving some of my friends on here. So I'm back. And yes, most of my blogs will probably be pretty dpressing and now always like yay recovery, but if you don't want to read them then you don't have to. I've realized that anyone who doesn't want to be triggered or brought down probably won't read a blog that is tagged like this one is :P.

So. Now I'm going to write what I came here to write.

Ok, I realize things are bad. I haven't been able to go a single day without purging. I puke up all my iron pills so my iron is still really low. I lie to EVERYONE constantly about this, especially my mom, and I just feel so so so incredibly shit after lying to her face and saying things like "why can't you just trust me, things are different now I promise you. You can trust me mom". Omg just writing that makes me want to cry.
So anyways, on top of all the stupid bulimia stuff, I've also been cutting a lot, and pretty deeply, and that's getting kind of scary and harder to hide. Last night I took a bunch of perscription drugs just because I'm cool like that (not). I took them because they make me feel good for once. And the sad thing is, the only time I am actually loving towards my mom is when I'm high. And she has no clue.

ok this is gonna sound mad.i know some of us here binge and purge.now ok this sounds mad but does what i am gonna tell you happen to anyone else
ok you have a normal meal and then after you suddenly need to go purge it and i dont mean in a bulimic urge way.i am mean you naturally need to be sick.like your stomachs so used to you purging.it does it naturally by itself

ive worked out that as long as i stick to a strict routine i dont binge as much.
this is what my routine is like
6:00 wake up ,weigh myself naked ( wit woo) get washed,dressed have a cup of green tea and a pot of 3 cal jelly and some zotrim
6:30 go to the gym
6:45-7:45 1 hour of gym work
7:45-8:15 jog home
8:15-8:30 go on facebook
8:30-19:00 go to work.have breaks but mainly drink water,if have any food id normally purge it out
19:30-21:00 gym session
21:00- 24:00 go home and do some exercises at home,il have something to eat depending how hungry i am.watch some tv go online
24:00-06:00 go to bed
now if i stick to that everthing is fine.if i dont i always end up binging.
i dont know why.yesterday i binged because i was at my dads house and not at mine.i didnt binge at my dads,i went to town and brought loads of food and scoffed it all while i was up town.of course it all got purged.i obv couldnt do as much exercise,so i know ive put on weight.by rights i should be a lot thinner,but because of the binges i always gain what ive lost,its so annoying

Hi,

I am new here and excited to be a part of a community of people who want to recover fully from bulimia! I was recovered for 6 years, despite maybe using exercise a bit too much, I felt amazing to how I felt when I was vomiting. Last year I put on a lot of weight, some of which was needed, yet the weight kept on coming. I was binging mostly during the middle of the night. I moved and did not have a support system, and went back to purging. THat was 4 months ago, and I continued until recently. I was using my dad for support and reporting my daily no=-purging to him. This was ok, but not healthy, since I find healthy recovery comes when I build my community beyond family.
I have been talking a lot to an old recovery friend, and helping coach her a long. I am trained as a life coach and health counselor, as well as yoga and meditation instructor. I definitely know how to take care of myself, but have been taking more time than is healthy in not doing what I know takes care of me, which at a fundamental level is eating mindfully. I know when I eat:
standing up
in the car
in the middle of the night
I am in a bad place and not going to feel good about myself. I know especially when I purge, that I am moving backwards in the recovery spectrum.
Last night I purged a lot, and have continued today. I want to get back up again and start a new day in recovery. I don't want to make myself exercise, so I may give myself permission to take a day off and rest.

I know what this is about, sometimes I am not sure how to end it. Basically, it is difficult to discover what we want when we are in the cycle, but time away offers a lot of freedom. I hope you all are well and taking care of yourself today. I look forward to getting to know you around here.

Warmly,
Waller

okay, I made it to day 7 without a binge, and then I binged tonight.
But it wasnt an emotional binge.. i starved myself all day! so I guess my body was mad at me for not feeding it.
Now i feel like shite because of too much sugar in my system,. no more skipping meals!
i HAVE to stick to my meal plans!

Im so proud of myself,. in 3 months, ive gone from binge eating every day, sometimes even twice,.. fasting on and off.. sometimes doing week long water fasts, blacking out, lacking energy,. feeling foggy etc to eating 3 meals on most days! im proud of me!

i want to shoot for another 10 days symptom free.

i think if I set myself little challenges, ill get there. After I make it to 10 days symptom free, Ill shoot for 14 days. Im rewarding myself with a nice dress tommorow :)
so from tommorow, im going for 10 days, eating ALL my planned meals, no skipping meals, no binge eating and at least 30 mins of excercise 5 times a week. Ill think up another reward once i make it to that goal.

It takes time and effort, but it can be done!