Bulimia Help

Bulimic or 9 years...countless books, a therapist, nutitionist, friends, boyfriend, family...and most importantly, ED himself. It's been the hardest thing to try and find hope to recover. It's funny how day to day nothing seems to change, but when you look back everything is different. My life has been stolen away from me, and i've lost sight of who i am. I have friends and a boyfriend that i love, but i'm always feeling like i can't focus on recovery if i'm binge drinking and "faking it" while i eat around them.. especailly my boyfriend. If I feel "fat" when i'm around him I lose all sight of optimism, and become more insecure. I don't know what to do. Also, my b/f knows my problems but doesn't know how to help, and it's just one big cycle. Monday through wednesday I seem to do ok with my structered eating, then when the weekends roll around it's all bombed. So... hence the fork in the road. I know that the help of the right people in my life could help me heal, however, with all the distraction i can't stay focused. I'm lost and would love some advice.

My book, Wanting To Be Her by Michelle Graham, finally came in the mail. I have begun reading it a few pages at a time (so I can get the very most from it) and wanted to share some of the topics she talks about. I got my copy from Amazon.com, it may be available in other places as well. The copyright notice is from 2005, so it's not a book that was just released.

The book has a scriptural Christian foundation, which I like, because I am a Christian and because I can't imagine trying to overcome bulimia with God on my side. I need strength way beyond what I have on my own to do this.

I have just begun reading Chapter 3, here are some highlights from the first few chapters:

"A recent survey found that 70 percent of women felt depressed, guilty and shameful after looking at a fashion magazine for only three minutes."

Wow - I gave up fashion mags for the very reason that I felt that had a negative impact on my self-image and this was I don't know how long ago. I have also since given up watching TV.

"We have begun to confuse role models with cover models."

SOooooo true.

"No wonder we're willing to pay whatever the cost for beauty. Glamour magazine did a survey asking, "What would you give up if you could slim down permanently?" Would you believe that 5 percent of respondents were actually willing to give up five years of their life?"

I would believe it - I would have been among the 5 percent that answered that!

The book talks about celebrites and what all they do to project and maintain those perfect looking images they have:

"Baywatch legend Pamela Anderson admits to having had multiple liposuctions to reach emaciated proportions as well as enlarging her breasts."

So THAT'S how she gets that look!

I wanted to share this with you all:

Pages turning, lights are burning
See what you could not see
It's plain as the day
The night makes you pay
For what was hidden underneath

Longing to leave but begging to feel that
Something will make you stay
Gotta believe that this all leads to
Somewhere we've never been

We won't run, we can fight
All that keeps us up at night
There is far to go now
Let's not waste a minute more
In denial

But I always thought you knew yourself
Better than anyone
The season was lost
When you started listening to everyone else
We're cast in this devil, I've got the metal
The means to make things right
Tired of the guilt
Tired of being sorry
Well haven't we suffered enough

We won't run, we can fight
All that keeps us up at night
There is far to go now
Let's not waste a minute more

But oh that our eyes will be open
Oh that our eyes will be open
Oh that our eyes will be open
Oh that our eyes will be open

We won't run, we can fight
All that keeps us up at night
There is far to go now
Let's not waste a minute more

We won't fear, we can fight
All that we can bring to light
There is far to go now
Let's not waste a minute more
'Cos we won't run, we can fight
All that keeps us up at night
There is far to go now
Let's not waste a minute more
Of our lives, our lives

- Sarah Blasko
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z5RtLfE7K6Q

anyone on east coast time that would like to exchange numbers for text and/or calling as well as exchanging emails? i could really use that kind of connection.

i had a bad few days but they don't erase the good ones i had last week. i'm trying to change my ways of thinking and i'm trying to forgive myself for the days i wasn't able to hold myself together. forgiveness is hard. hating myself is so much easier. i watched a rerun of intervention last night but it was an episode i hadn't seen before. a young woman was bulimic. she was able to recover in the end and she was worse off than i am now. i do wish that there was a group that i could go to when needed. but living where i do... options are limited. i'm glad to have this site though.

2 days without, 3-rd day in progress :D

BULIMIA DOESN'T EXIST. IT'S NOT REAL. IT'S NOT A FORCE THAT HAS TAKEN OVER MY MIND. IT'S NOT SOMETHING THAT TELLS ME TO DO THINGS I DON'T WANT TO. I'M IN CONTROL. MY MIND IS MY OWN AND I AM THE ONLY BOSS UP THERE. DEEP DOWN I KNOW I DON'T WANT THESE BINGES...I DON'T WANT THESE PURGES...I KNOW THIS, OTHERWISE I WOULDN'T BE WRITING THIS NOW. I DON'T NEED TO BOW DOWN TO THIS WAY OF LIFE I JUST NEED TO LISTEN TO MY TRUE INNER VOICE ALWAYS BECAUSE IT KNOWS WHAT IS RIGHT FOR ME.

EATING SOMETHING I CONSIDER UNHEALTHY NEEDN'T BE AN ISSUE AT ALL. I DON'T HAVE TO COMPLETE THIS CRAZY ROUTINE OF BINGING THEN PURGING. IT DOESN'T MAKE IT "ALRIGHT AGAIN"...IT MAKES ME MORE UNHEALTHY, MORE UNHAPPY, A LOT POORER, A LOT MORE LONELY, TRAPPED, ISCOLATED, ANGRY & FRUSTRATED AT MYSELF AND EVERYTHING. THIS IS NOT A SPUR OF THE MOMENT FEELING RIGHT NOW...FEELINGS ARE VAGUE AND CONSTANTLY CHANGING THIS IS A TRUTH AND I MUST REMEMEBER EVERY DAY THAT WHAT I'M WRITING IS COMING FROM THE REAL ME.

(gotta keep reminding myself)

okay it's sunday night, i'll admit this week was neither good nor bad. I could have done a lot better, and I could have done a lot worse. it was just a learning experience that i have to assess, praise the good forgive the bad. my diet is slowly getting back to normal...but I need to work on ridding the desire/need to b/p. (the purge bit 1st i guess)

now hopefully my body will follow but i need to remember to be patient and vigilant and get start to get back intough with my true inner voice & carry on the process of weeding out.

anyway now to tuck into my chicken stir fry, which will be very nice (fingers x'd) Let's try & finnish the rocky week on a high note. :)

Anybody read or listen to Wayne Dyer? He's kind of this motivational speaker. One of his most famous saying is, "The world will change when YOU change the way you look at the world." Basically, what you see is what you get.

I've really been trying to turn my attitude around lately and suddenly I'm getting all these messages or little motivations everywhere. For example, I was flipping through XM channels earlier and landed on Dr. Laura for 30 seconds. She was telling a women, in summary "look all around you, everything in your home all the decoration, possessions, stuff. Now look outside at all the people, trees, cars, etc. Now find a piece of trash and focus on that how does it make you feel?" The woman responded, feels like a waste of time when I have so many good things to look at.

Later, I was waiting to go to the gym and caught some of Dr. Phil on addiction. He was making the point that we are all able people. Able to walk, talk, learn, make decisions, etc. We chose the addiction because it's doing something for us. Once we figure out what its purpose is in our life, we can decide to chose an alternative.

Those are just two examples that happened today, but there are a bunch of little things I've been experiencing too. The trash in my life is my bulimia and I chose not to focus on it anymore.

Today I had a choice, and I chose healthy, I wanted healthy, I ate healthy, I exercised healthy, and I felt healthy. I felt amazed at how enslaved I was by bulimia, amazed that I had stayed that way for so long, I could see clearly the life I wanted and it headed down a different path, there was no way I was going back.
10pm, binge hits.
Thats ok, cos tomorrow I'm going to choose healthy again, and the day after that, until one day, I wont have to choose it, I will just be..
..healthy.

Okay, I'm going to try to explain..
About 5 years ago I started abusing laxatives. I did not abuse them for long, maybe a year. I started getting used to them and I had to take more and more in order for them to work. They started to make me extremely nauseated. Laxatives gave me the worst stomach cramps and made me feel like I was seasick. I immediately stopped. I didn't need anything to help me stop. I just physically cannot swallow them. I don't eat M&M's anymore because they feel like what the brand of laxative I used to take did in my mouth, just the similar feeling makes my stomach turn.
So... I know they give alcoholics a pill to take and if they decide to drink, it makes them very sick. And I once saw a news program where they were saying that if you were sick as a kid or a certain food made you sick, you will be less likely to enjoy that food even as an adult.

So my plan is maybe if I can make my body feel queasy when I eat certain foods (candy, trigger foods. etc) I can create an aversion toward food I normally use to binge on.

I don't know if there is a pill out there or something, but my boyfriend suggested that I just eat coffee grinds or something gross when I eat candy... I know this wouldn't be a quick fix, but could definitely help me reduce the urge to binge. It's worth a shot.