Bulimia Help

Hey guys,

I am feeling sad and having a hard time loving myself right now. I know that while I am working to believe in my own strength, a relationship is not what I should be looking for, I need to find love for myself without the dependence on a man. Yet, why am I feeling so sad and hurt right now?

Here's the situation: there is this guy I hang out with every once in awhile, has been going on for about 2 years now, after I broke u with my last wretched boyfriend. Anyways, basically we never had anything serious, mostly had sex really, went to a movie and dinner may be twice. I think for both of us it has been confusing, wanting to have someone casually there to hangout with when we need some affection and attention. I'm not sure if I would have wanted a relationship from him, and yet a part of me is so hurt that he never has. I think sometimes he thought about it, would plan a date with me, but then would back off again. Then often i felt so ugly and fat that I would cancel plans with him a million times, not really letting myself get close to him.

So this weekend, he's been texting me, asking me to come over, and I've been too busy feeling fat and going out with friends. So today, I ask him if he wants to hangout tonight, or next weekend, and he texts, "Sorry Erin but I can't see you anymore, I enjoyed the physical chemistry we have but I can't see you again. Don't take it person. You deserve a great guy who loves you and treats you like a woman. you're super sexy and funny, so it should be easy...You may think it's stupid but I'm experiencing a time of personal enlightenment. I can'thave any casual sexual relations at this time. Trust me, sex with you is fantastic, but the longer it drags on the more out of touch I am with finding a loving relationship."

So, I posted a few days ago about going on a first date yesterday... so this is the follow up. And forgive the slightly off topic blog entry - but input would be nice!

Everything went OK-and the guy was nice, and I even find myself attracted to him on a physical level... but there are things that make me think that is so not the right thing for me.

I can see that I'm attracted to him because I get a feeling of being accepted & he's obviously attracted to me. I dated a guy briefly in the last few years when I was moving towards my worst time w/ bulimia (behavior wise & b/p wise) and I couldn't handle it - I couldn't handle the intimacy & I was SOOO insecure about my body.

But, there are some things about this guy that kind of make me stop & think... First-he's ten years older than me (37-and he doesn't look that old...) Second, it seems there may not be enough in common to keep this thing going. Third, he mentioned off handedly that he went to rehab at one point in his life... (hello?!?!? he told me that on a first date??). And finally- I live in a small town that is full of gossipers-and I don't think I want anything to do with that kind of drama.

But, I see an opportunity to have some sort of relationship with a man that could potentially be healing on some levels- in terms of my sexuality & how I feel about myself. This is something that I'm working on w/ my therapist right now, so it's interesting how things can be synchronistic like that.