Bulimia Help

Im really happy because Ive been FINALLY eating on a structured meal plan for 6 full days. Wow. AMazing. The big problem? I work at a gym and was supposed to be working these last 2 weeks. I, in a state of depression and having a terrible bout of the flu, slept and became really depressed, finally deciding to do something about this bulimia and started fresh on December 28th. So its good. But I dont know what to do. My boyfriend and I just moved into a new place Dec 15, its wonderful, and hes the best support EVER. I am so blessed. The problem is that Im supposed to go to work Monday, back at the gym. I dont think its a good idea as the new job that I just got a promotion for entitles me to work odd hours 5 days a week, for example: Mon 11-9 Tues 1-10 Wed 8-6 Thurs off Fri off then 12-9 Sat and 8-4 Sunday. It changes every week so youre never really sure of when youll be off so its almost IMPOSSIBLE to plan meals. I dont know what to do. I want to find something different, but we need the money. I have enough saved so that Januarys rent and bills are taken care of, but its SO TOUGH to not feel like Im contributing something financially. My boyfriend thinks I shouldnt go back, that I should fess up to my boss (who genuinely cares about and likes me) and tell her whats up. He says that my recovery has to come fist. I do know this, I just feel trapped and am afraid I wont find a better job. Stress from lack of job or money is not the reason I want to mess up my eating, but neither is working a job I absolutely HATE. I dont know. What do you think?

my pattern for the last 2 days has been to go straight for the junk/trigger food 1st thing when i woke up.... thankfully, that was as far as it went and i perservered thru the rest of each day b/p free.

i did exactly the same thing this morning, but this time after a couple of mouthfuls, i realised i didn't even like what i was eating and put it back in the packet, and switched out for some trail mix to give me some energy then went for a swim.... yay for baby steps towards listening to my body!!

the last few days have been difficult, i've really had to stay present & on guard to not give in to the temptation to binge... but it has made me stronger cos i know now that i CAN make it thru these types of days and i keep pushing on cos i know (or hope at least) that each day will be easier than the last.

that said, i'm also terrified of 'slipping up' again, cos each time i do it's harder to get back on track and i worry that one day i just wont be able to get back on track - as much as i try not to think about it, it's always at the back of my mind....

anyways, here's to baby steps... one day, one hour, one minute at a time.

I can't believe I've come so far. Its been so hard at times, but honestly for the past four or so days things have been amazing! The bloating has finally started to go down (finally!)and I hid my scales and haven't been weighed for 3 days which is a huge personal achievement for me right now. Ive never had success with recovery before, its because Ive never tackled the binges, I always just worked to stop purging but still overate/binged causing weight gain, causing the purging to start again. Also its because I was never fully committed to getting healthy, but now I am and its made all the difference! Three weeks ago I never would have believed that structured eating could help me. I could never eat in the morning because I would binge then. But trying it, and working VERY hard in the first week to stick to it, I can honestly say its been my saviour!

So I thought Id make a little list of things, things that have changed and things that have stayed the same for me. I think it could give everyone a little bit of encouragement and strength in tough times so know that things will start to feel better, and will help me to see things I still need to work on!

So since starting recovery 'POSITIVES'

- My urges to binge really are managable and less frequent.
- Often I eat and don't feel bad/feel fat/feel like a failure
- I have far less mood swings! I am happy a lot more!
- I don't think about purging as much at all.
- I'm begining to accept my body more
- My skin looks good and everyone comments how bright my eyes look!
- All of my random aches and pains have totally gone!
- I don't get headaches at all.
- I have no heart pain and no palputations
- No chest and stomach pain just uncomfortable stomach sometimes still but its managable!

Well first of all I guess I just have to share with you all that this IS possible! I'm on day 16 of no b/p, I've never even got close to this before, but things are so different this time, a lot of which I owe to this site. I've been structuring my eating, started working on my negative thoughts and body image and Im feeling a real difference!

I've had some horrible days, and some unexpected feelings. Such as my huge need to binge which is still I'm afraid to say, pretty much always on my mind at this moment. I guess thats why my bulimia developed ten years ago, Ive always had issues with food and my body, Ive always craved huge amounts of food and still do, but eating at specified times is so helping me to work through this. It feels like it will take forever, and it probably will, it took me 24 years to get to this terrible stage, I know I can't just change over night. I say 24 years because form birth I had problems with overeating, always crying for food, only every comforted by food!

As for weight initially I lost a little bit, now Ive put that back on but Ive maintained eating all this food which has been a huge surpsise for me!Im at a healthy weight for my height so I am constantly reassuring myself that its okay to not be losing.

As for my plans now, apart from obviously keeping up this hard work is to change my eating habbitts further. I know that my evening meal has been being too large of a portion while my other meal and snacks have been very small! (im still only managing two meals and two snacks but its early days). I think I do this because Im still using larger amounts of food to comfort me. So today I had a higher calorie breakfast and Im going to have to start controlling my other meal portion more effectively.

I made it past a full 24 hours of not binging and purging. I feel a little successful, but not completely (I've made it 24 hours several times before, but I know it takes baby steps). I was extremely happy with myself in that I was able to eat homemade waffles (with 1/2 C of sugar free syrup) without wanting to kill myself. Usually when I eat pancakes or waffles (or any breakfast foods) I can't seem to make myself stop. I usually glob on mountains of peanut butter and top off my waffles with an ocean of syrup, but I made myself slowly work through the meal! I ate slowly--actually tasting the food--and I opted out for a less guiltier condiment.

My only concern is my opting out for the lower calorie, sugar free, etc. sort of foods. I made sure that I properly measured them out (afterall most people just end up adding twice, even three times, as much if they know it has reduced calories, fat, and/or sugar). Using these other options helped me not to feel guilty about what I was eating, so does that make them okay? I only want to help myself afterall, not bury myself even further.

Sooo I'm not sure what it is but lately I have been feeling really positive and happy. The only thing I can think of that has changed is that my recovery is going smoothly and summer is starting (in Toronto it's the first week of summer and it's been 30 degrees all week! Aaaah summer is so short and sweet for us Canadians...). Other than that, nothing has really changed...except I guess that the fact that my recovery is starting to work is changing everything else. I'm so much more relaxed and happy, not stressing about things, confident, productive, etc. Not to mention my relationship with my boyfriend is getting better and we are so much happier as a couple, just in these last few weeks. We've been together for almost five years and he's stuck by me through this whole ordeal and seen my at my worst (and taken the brunt of it many, many times), and even he's seen the change in me - he says I'm smiling all the time and much more laid back and silly and carefree and seem like my old self again. Just hearing that makes me want to succeed in recovery that much more. I'm really pleased with how things are going, especially since I've had slip ups in that time and have moved forward without spiraling into that old familiar cycle and started to hate myself again for it. If things were going too perfectly then I would be scared that things were too good to be true and I wasn't properly dealing with why I b/p, but there have been ups and downs so far and things still seem to be moving in the right direction. I've never felt this way before - I'm actually accepting my body for the first time in years as a normal body with a few extra pounds - before, I had periods where I "loved" my body, but that was only when I was underweight and working out like crazy and undereating. So I thought I looked good but I wasn't loving or accepting my body in any way, I was hurting and controlling it.

I can hardly believe it is day three and i P again. I haven't even begun recovery have i? Only one day without and two days purging? Is there even any point in me carrying on? Pretending every night that tomorrow will be different?

I am so disappointed.

I feel very sad.

:(

I have to say first off, how incredibly thankful I am for this site. It is amazing to read everyones honest and heartfelt blogs and realize I am not alone. I think it is crazy how every person's story sounds just like mine. We can all relate to eachother, we have the same feelings, same issues, same rituals. I have struggled with this disease for a large majority of my life- thinking I was alone and completely insane. I stopped for a short period of time last November after I told a close friend about my problem, only to resume full force a few weeks later. I felt like such a loser and a liar!

After reading blog after blog, I have to admit I feel so much better and I have to thank everyone for their honesty. We are all helping eachother and that is so special. So that is the purpose of this blog, to help others. I have binged and purged every since day for probably about 5 months straight, blown so much money on food (that I have of course thrown up), lost 45 pounds only to gain 15 of them back because I binged too much.. but I am now fighting. I am fighting to regain the life and happiness I once knew before this addiction and to live up to the "health nut" persona everyone believes I have. I am going to do this for real and I believe it is because I am armed with a routine which I would like to share and some tips that help me. Again, I am stuggling to even make to to day three (and yeah I might not know everything) but maybe I can help someone out there and that's really all I care about- because you all have helped me.

Right only on bloody day two and dinner came back up. I knew when i ate a little two much it would be hard... i should not have ordered my dinner from catering..... im really annoyed at myself.... day 2!!! FAIL!

Ok well im trying to be positive... i didn't binge and one normal meal is the only thing that has come up in two days when normally its everything.... so i'm gonna just carry on tomorrow and try harder....

Today is one week that I have not binged and purged! I am soo happy! I already feel so much better and it has only been seven days! I can only imagine how I will feel in a month, six months, a year. It has been a hard week, especially this weekend when I went out to dinner with my husband and my two best friends. I did really good. I ate til I was full, like I should always do. I have just been taking it minute by minute and day by day. I am so determined to beat this ugly disease