Bulimia Help

When I look in a mirror, I still see that girl from middle school. The fat girl that everyone made fun of. The girl who would be chased out of the cafeteria and told she didn't deserve to live. The girl who was called names and tormented on the bus. The girl who skipped school all the time because anything was better than being there. The girl who became anorexic before high school and bulimic in high school. That was over 20 years ago. 20 years is a long time to hold onto something. I have allowed these thoughts to bury themselves so strongly in me. I am so afraid of being what I was then. I have come to believe I am what they called me, and I don't deserve to have food. Maybe I just don't deserve anything at all.

I have a successful marriage, a beautiful son, a nice house, a successful career, and a completed college education. And yet, I don't deserve any of it. Sometimes I feel as though I don't deserve to even be alive.

Signing off for the night. Have a good night everyone.

hey everyone, it's been a while. I feel like I haven't been on this site in ages! :P I guess because I've found good support from my close friends, who have been there to support me. I feel so lucky to have the friends I have. Just with college coming in less than two weeks, I'll have to start all over in terms of adjusting to my schedule, living in a dorm for the first time, and of course, making all new friends and finding people I can trust. ugh. The social aspect is overwhelming. Whenever I'm around ppl my age, I constantly compare and put myself down for some reason or another. I know I've gotten past this before, and that I have found great friends who I can trust in the past, it's just that I feel like I need that now. Especially now that this nasty cloud of depression is back, unexpectedly. I don't understand why I've dipped back into negative thoughts and low energy....

This is not a happy blog. I am not doing very well this evening.

I hate that today was a "good day". I ate once. That's a good day as far as I'm concerned. Isn't that disgusting?
It's like I don't have my own thoughts, it's bulimia, it lives in my head it controls my actions and even when a voice says to me "That's stupid" mia just tells me to do it anyway.
I'm ashamed of the pride I feel right now. And I hate that I plan to do the same for the next four days to make damn sure I fit into this dress on Saturday. But despite my shame and angst I fully intend to do it all again. I know it's harmful but the desire to be thin is stronger than the desire to be healthy.
I feel like I don't really deserve the body I've been given. I've kind of fucked it up.

I was thinking today as I walked back from the doctors how much I wish that my body could be like a sheet of paper. One I could just discard and start over after making a mistake. But instead I feel like someones gone through my body and scribbled out the words they don't like and highlighted the spelling mistakes in bright red ink. It's like, no matter how beautiful the poetry is on this metaphorical piece of paper it's completly illegible because of the scribbles. And theres nothing you can do once you've ruined a piece of paper. It's ruined for good, you have to start over.

You know what else I was thinking? If I get hit by a bus when I'm 30 then what was the point in all of this? What's the point in having a life if you're not going to enjoy it? I wish I could just throw off this bulimia and depression and all the other shit that's wrong with me and enjoy my life because I could get hit by a bus tomorrow. But I can't. It always catches me again. It's like I'm cursed.

So about two weeks ago I decided to go off my antidepressants. I was concerned that taking them was counterproductive because they are acidic and was focusing on wanting to decrease the toxins in my body. Unfortunately, I am feeling the old feelings of depression rear their head. I am having a much harder time coping and I am crying ALL the time. My eating has definately become more erratic, the motivation to be free of bingeing and purging kinda falls away as my anxiety increases. That is definately a huge difference I feel, I am constantly feeling like I am running on adrenaline, so anxious and unsettled. I now realize that I need to let go of the thoughts that needing antidepressants means I am a weak person. I just have less serotonin in my synapses right now..that's okay and it makes sense that having an eating disorder does not help to keep serotonin levels optimal. I'm relieved to accept that I need to be on them right now, I feel like I can breathe again...well, not quite, still an anxious mess, but know that it will get better soon.

I'm sitting in the airport right now waiting to fly home to Manitoba. My nephew is in the hospital, so I've been pretty sad, but I can not wait to see my family. I'm nervous at the same time though. I always fear my parent's reaction to my weight. They always have to make a comment about something. I know it is out of concern when I weigh less, and relief when I weigh more. Either way, I wish it wasn't such a big issue. Does it really matter if my weight is higher or lower? Shouldn't they just be happy to see me? I'm hoping that because of all that is going on with my nephew and stuff that they will be less focused on me and consider what is most important...that my nephew knows we love him and are there for him.

Well, just kinda feels good to write a blog. I am praying for all of us.

xo
erin

I feel like any time something in my life is going well, I have to sabotage it or something...? It's so weird and frustrating. I am finally fiiinnnaaallllyyyy FINALLY to the point where I'm pretty much eating like a normal person... aside from occaisional (accidental?) binges. I am glad that my mind isn't TOTALLY consumed with ED thoughts anymore... although of course they're still there.

BUT

I. Am. An. Emotional. Wreck. For the past 3-4 months I have been having serious bouts of sadness/depression. If my boyfriend does the littlest thing that bothers me, I won't tell him, and I will just be SO depressed/upset and feel helpless. I think I have a really hard time expressing my emotions, and because of that I keep lots of things in. I'm a verrrry internal person, and I think it's really hurting me. But the reason why I'm not external is because if I was, then I would be the bitchiest/nit-pickyest/most outwardly irritated person in the whole world. SO rather than seem like an angry bitch, I keep everything inside and CONSTANTLY feel irritated with people, annoyed with people, frustrated and just ANNOYED at the world. Like I feel like I HATE EVERYBODY.

And I HATE feeling that way. I think since I hate feeling that way, I keep it to myself and let it all buuuiiiillllddd up until I'm an emotional monster. But still- no one knows about the emotional monster except for me and the monster is like eating me alive from the inside! I sound totally crazy right now, but that's what it feels like. Sometimes it's almost like there's this little fuzzy ball creature in my chest who starts going crazy and screaming and thrashing around and I just want to attack someone/yell to make the fuzzy ball man to go away.. lol I'm realizing how crazy this sounds but I hope someone understands.

Hiiiiiiii there. It's me, formerly known as rhya. Rhya is a nickname with a long story behind it, by Kate is my real name. I deleted my account here because I was fed up and I didn't want to recover anymore and I thought that by being on this site I was only triggering others and bringing people down with me. But then i realized that this site was the only place where I have ever actually started a blog and stuck to it, and I felt badly about leaving some of my friends on here. So I'm back. And yes, most of my blogs will probably be pretty dpressing and now always like yay recovery, but if you don't want to read them then you don't have to. I've realized that anyone who doesn't want to be triggered or brought down probably won't read a blog that is tagged like this one is :P.

So. Now I'm going to write what I came here to write.

Ok, I realize things are bad. I haven't been able to go a single day without purging. I puke up all my iron pills so my iron is still really low. I lie to EVERYONE constantly about this, especially my mom, and I just feel so so so incredibly shit after lying to her face and saying things like "why can't you just trust me, things are different now I promise you. You can trust me mom". Omg just writing that makes me want to cry.
So anyways, on top of all the stupid bulimia stuff, I've also been cutting a lot, and pretty deeply, and that's getting kind of scary and harder to hide. Last night I took a bunch of perscription drugs just because I'm cool like that (not). I took them because they make me feel good for once. And the sad thing is, the only time I am actually loving towards my mom is when I'm high. And she has no clue.

I feel like my head is filled with air; spacey and dizzy. I can't concentrate on anything really, my mind is preoccupied with something else, that something else Ed obsesses with as I squint through this thick fog. I'm distracted and not all here. Just kinda absent, I guess. My laugh is just a moment too late, my memory a confused haze. When people say things to me, I just nod my head or try to say something relevant, and forget completely what they just said a couple minutes later. It scares me. My mom talks to me in the car, and I forget what we said. She tries to tell me about her life and how she feels, but all I can do is just nod my head impatiently, remaining distant and distracted as I watch the minutes pass by on the digital clock, waiting waiting for home; the computer; the food. Ugh. I really don't care about that stuff. What I really care about is my mom, my friends, the events that go around me; all that I have become oblivious to (to a certain extent.) It's freaky! And half the time I don't even realize I'm doing this...I don't know what's happened to me. I seriously feel like I'm going insane.

Also, I don't know what it is, but I have been eating a ton of sugar and carbs lately. No veggies, no fruits, and hardly any protein. I already know if I really do want to lose weight I will have to eat exactly the opposite, and get lots of protein and vitamins from nuts, meat, veggies, and fruit, but my body doesn't want to. It's strange, but I can't get myself to eat protein because Ed insists it has too much fat, and then I turn to carbs and sugar for my comfort food. The vitamins and nutrients I need get ignored in all this. Well I'm sure that hasn't helped with my strange spaciness. Weird.

I felt so horrible and it kept twirling in my mind, like a fucking virus. I wanted to escape this world. I did not want to fight with my husband anymore. I didn't want to go through what we are going through right now. I didn't want to listen to my twin sister who was telilng me that he was a deadbeat and that he couldn't find anything better than me.

I hate her. I hate him. I hate the world.

All I wanted to do was grab the pain killers out of the cabinet and my fifth of gin and sit in the tub. If that didn't work, I had other plans like poisoning myself another way along side with eating everything in sight.

I wanted to kill myself so my husband could have my insurance money. I wanted to kill myself so everyone woudl just leave me alone!!!!

I wish I could get this out of my mind. The voice inside my head keeps telling me to do it. ED keeps telling me no one will miss me anyway.

I feel like I am dying inside already.......

I had been doing so well for almost three weeks... then small scale binges started on about wednesday.On thursday, i began bingeing big again. Friday, binge/purge. Then all hell broke loose yesterday when I binged HUGE. It was really sad. Then I purged as much as I could, but I know I didn't get everything out.

Then, today was like yesterday times ten. It was a classic bulimia binge. Classic. Grabbing leftover cake while the other hand is in the bag of cookies. Frantically sipping water throughout. Ripping open rice crispy packages like your life depends on it, etc, etc. Mind numb. Running like a madman to the toilet and letting as much out as you can.

Well, for some reason I only got about 1/4 of it out of me before the bile came. I don't know why this is, and I admit, it made me really really upset. It's like my gag reflex is becoming smaller and smaller, I honestly can barely induce purging anymore, and this scares me because I don't want to feel like I'll ever need to resort to ipecac syrup.

Anyways, I had such a huge binge today, I literally look 3 and half months pregnant. Basically, I feel EXTREMELY SHITTY and EXTREMELY DEPRESSED over this, because I know that my healthy weight loss from 6 months ago has been unraveling... as of last week, I'd already gained almost 4 pounds back. I know that this week of bingeing has probably added another 5 pounds to me. Fuck. I've just been crying like a total baby and I feel so sad right now.

I get out of school on Friday, and I know for a fact I won't be able to go to the beach at all this summer because of my size. I feel so terrible. I even tried exercising today, but I was so light headed and weak, I could barely do 25 jumping jacks.

I hate myself. I hate myself for not being strong enough to have control.

I am so unhappy right now, it's jarring. I can't concentrate at all. I have been eating food at random times, even when I'm not hungry, and I haven't gotten hardly ANYTHING done today. I have so much more work to do and it's all due tomorrow and it's worth a huge amount of my grade and I just can't concentrate and I feel like crap and I don't know when this will ever end. I feel so alone. Abandoned. I know this isn't true, I'm just really low on support right now.

I'm so confused as to where I am in this mess. I can't distinguish who is Ed and who is me. I don't know where I am or what has happened to me. I barely know who I am. I know who I used to be, and how I came to be this way, but I don't know who I am today or what I want or how I will make it in the future. I just feel so shitty today. I know I should be hopeful with graduation, summer, college, vacations, and parties and all, but I just can't. I feel hollow. So passive. Dead.

I need help, I'm about to hit rock bottom. I've lost hope. What's the point in living?