Bulimia Help

I am a thirty year old woman and have had bulimia since I was thirteen, I’ve admitted this fact to myself years ago, but chose to continue with the b/p scenario rather than being fat or unable to eat all the nice foods. I am a lazy fraud!
I am ready to stop right now from this very second, it is 19:13 and I’ve just finished supper – so I guess this is where the battle starts though, not to go to my kitchen for food again tonight. I have tried stopping before and have to admit, I am scared. Just so scared of failing once again. How did I allow myself to end up in a position where I am so scared of food? The last couple of weeks I’ve noticed a change in my attitude to food, I am literally scared of eating and keeping anything in. I don’t know how to differentiate between what is healthy and necessary for your body and what is not. All I see is calories and fat, is this normal? Am I leaning towards anorexia?
This is why I need to stop now, I don’t want to think this way anymore, I’ve always known what is healthy and that I am simply choosing unhealthy, but now, I don’t see things so clearly anymore.
Is there anyone that has been a bulimic for so long and has recovered successfully? Please give me advice – I need to know it is possible to do this by myself without therapy or having to tell my family.

So.....I took my sister and my husband out to lunch yesterday for pizza. We ended going to a pizza buffet. I was pretty good. I ate a plate of salad and definately only ate two small pieces of pizza. I was good... and did not binge. Then, my husband said something that really upset me. He was looking at all of his old pictures of when he was in the Air Force (this includes a very SEXY picture of his ex who is half the size I am) I asked what he was doing he said remeniscing and for me to leave him alone.

He later said he was only talking about the military, but that is not how I took it.

I became so upset and self concious that I got up and went to the restroom. I emptied out all the food that I had just eaten and sat on the toilet and cried. I hated myself. I hated my body. I hated him so much for saying that.

Later we were at home and discussing calmly how I felt. He said he hates how sad I always I am about my body. He hates how I never think I look good and that I am always depressed. He just wants me happy. I told him about how terrible I feel and how bad my depression really is.

The only thing I did not tell him was after we went to bed.

I had to stay in bed because if I had gotten up one of two things would have happened: I would have either b/p's the entire night.....or I knew I was going to kill myself.

How terrrible is that? Why do I always feel this way? AM I CRAZY?!?!?