Bulimia Help

*SIGH* Yesterday I tried so hard to stick to good structured eating, every three hours, some smaller healthy meals. I even stayed home from school, cause the previous day had just been too bingey and emotional, I felt I needed some time and some extra support from my bf, so I did very well, then I went to work, I had dinner there(we have a buffé) but I dind't over do, and I was ok, then I had a few extras here and there throughout the evening, which in my mind really was too much, but I told myself I was ok with it... And I would keep it down, cause it's been such a fight. I'd kept my last binge in the day before so to purge this one felt like a step back. But then some customers had brought a birthday cake. And when they were done, half of it was still on the tray. So when clearing their table I ended up eating about half of what was left of their cake, and bloop, my stomach felt huge. Just like that... then I proceeded to each a couple ounces of cashews and come cookies... and so before going home I just couldn't mentally handle it, and I purged, I dind't even manage to purge everything, so it seems so worthless in the sphere or recovery. And I keep thinking if I would have just thrown that damn cake into the garbage... :-((

It's amazing what power a piece of cake can have over you, and it bothers me! I hate being so weak. Anyways, I just had to "tell someone", cause it bothers me.

Does anyone else have these problems? I keep having these weird food dreams that all I want to do is just eat, eat, eat. I am sitting there just eating everything in site while everyone watches me. I binge and purge and just keep going.

Another reaccuring dream I keep having is that I died and I am on the other side where everyone is wearing white and running around joyfully. Well, the problem comes in where someone releases the devil onto us all and he keeps killing everyone! Its a horrible bloody dream and I just keep screaming but I can't seem to find God anywhere.

If you have had weird dreams too, I would love for you to post them below!

So today I ate pretty healthy besides a few snacks. I just finished eating dinner, and I feel like I consumed way too many calories. I went back and added up all the food I ate and it was a reasonable amount of calories and food, but I still feel like I ate way too much. I know I didn't binge, but I almost feel like I should count it as one. This is ridiculous because I ate what a "normal" person is allowed to eat in a day especially an active person. I just don't like feeling guilty for a regular day of eating for a normal person. Does anyone ever feel like this? I have been trying not to really restrict myself, so that I don't get too hungry or feel like I need to binge. I just wish that this paranoid feeling would go away, and I could eat healthy every day and not feel like I ate too much or too little or too much junk.

I am glad I got on here after finishing my dinner because I almost felt the panic set in. I figured I'd sit here while my food digests, drink some water and go workout. Hopefully I'll feel calm and ready for bedtime because I'm approaching 2 weeks tomorrow, and I don't want to blow it!

I hope everyone out there is doing well and staying positive.. I Know I'm trying!

Happy New Year Everyone!

Well,
I guess if anyone is reading this you will be judging me. I just needed to get this out, and I cant tell anyone as I just hate the thought of seing those faces that basically say 'you are a bad person' if i did.

So I am pregnant.
I am 10 weeks. It is the best thing in the world. I am so happy, but why am I crying ?. I want to be a mum so much. I have always wanted to be a mum.

I have been binging really badly. Just spiralling out of control since i found out. I am so anxious about so much, but mainly work and getting fat. I have promised myself that I am not going to make myself sick, or hurt myself when I am carrying this life that God gave me, but I have and I hate myself for doing that.

I did it when I came back from work. My husband is away and I had a horrid day of just having to tell my boss and others about being pregnant. I met a woman who had had a miscarriage at my stage recently and am just so exhausted of having to seem like I am sorry that I am pregnant and that it is an inconvenience for people at work- but also exhausted of worrying about how fragile this little life is and how I am just ruining it already getting fat and binging all the time.

Ive had swine flu and so havent exercised for 3 weeks which is probably why I feel so down. But I guess that is just another thing that I need to be 'careful' about.

I over ate....I over ate....I over ate...THE WHOLE DAY...

My stomach feels so amazingly uncomfortable like I'm about to burst. I don't wanna purge, but this feeling...omg....the feeling of my stomach expanding.....it's making me sad. I can't believe I'm tolerating it. Accepting it even. It's like going on a death sentence and there's nothing I can do about it. Purging is not an option. I don't want to see it as an option.

I want to learn to be responsible and be accountable for what I eat. Not viewing purging as a safety net. It's just an excuse - a get out of jail free card which isn't even free at all in the long run. But right now.....argh....my mind....I walked up and down the stairs so many times contemplating.

I've already put on weight. Returning to my old ways is just going to make things worse right? I'd spoil everything I've worked so hard for right? Oh gosh.....but my stomach....it's practically yelling out to me to purge and my mind...is siding with it. I'm gonna go crazy!!! Maybe I'll forever remember this moment and the next time I decide to eat uncontrollably I'd just ask myself if I'd want to feel the way I do right now. Good lesson right? There has to be a good thing to learn outta feeling like shit right now. I refuse to accept there isn't any. But why do I feel so unconvinced?

My arms - the extra fats hanging on to it...like extra appendages. The way my inner thighs touch when my feet aren't even next to each other. They way I can't fit into my regular jeans and even my so called 'fat' jeans. They're tight. I hate tight clothing. I don't want to have a melt down in the changing room of a store.

Sigh....I feel like a cranky hibernating bear that can't find peace. Sucks being me right now.

I can tell the bulimia is better, because when i put the trash out yesterday- it wasn't filled to the top with empty food containers and the like. The frequency of the episodes has gone down a lot- and even my face looks better. The problem is- FOOD. lol I went grocery shopping last night- and kept on telling myself, "Celina will not buy binge food. She will not buy binge food." I can do this- i told myself. I had even made a list of safe foods that I am less likely to binge on. So, i bought my celery, and broccoli, and a bunch of other amazing vegetables that I love. I went by the fruit- and the apples looked so yummy- but they have been part of a binge food for me- so i didn't let myself get them. In produce, I wanted to get cottage cheese and yogurt= but these are binge foods too. Walking past the cookies made me depressed, because I knew cookies were COMPLETLY out of the question. I also know that food like cereal and peanut butter are complelty out of the question too. I simply dont have the self control to have them in the house. It sux ass- but that is the plain truth. I have told myself a billion times that I can have these foods because they are healthy- but the truth is- i can't- i am unable to stop myself after one bite. Maybe later on in my recovery- i can incorporate healthy foods like nuts and yogurt and bananas- but for right now- i simply cant have them in the house- its a set up for disaster. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing and thinking you'll have a different outcome. I am putting a halt to the insanity.

Yesterday (one week b/p free), I got full. It's really new, I haven't been b/p free for so long for at least two years, and probably four.

This is a totally different fullness. When I'd binge, I'd feel volume-full, like there was a giant mass inside of me that I needed to get out ASAP. When I was anorexic, I never felt full, but I knew when I had "used up" my calories and that's what I thought fullness meant.

This full is satisfaction and my body knowing that I don't need more food without me using numbers or discomfort telling it I don't. Can I just say that that feeling is AWESOME?! Like, no worrying. No counting. No fear. Just, I've had enough and that's okay.

Every time I prepare to go to the grocery , I plan out a list of foods that is healthy in my mind. Some salad lettuce, something to spice it up (maybe olives or banana peppers) Try something new like tofu or miso or rice noodles..get some fruit for a snack, gum, some rice or whole grains, beans.. veggie soup.. and then I walk down my binge isle, oops.

Lately I've been getting it into my head that carbs are VERY BAD almost as bad as MEAT (and always, dairy) which led to a vegan diet that I carried on for about three days (and as with all diets I felt fine restricting until one day I took it too far and didn't eat much at all and then BINGED on EVERYTHING I could find.) But I'm still in the mindset that vegan is what I NEED to aim for and I need to be going to the gym every day.. cardio for the legs, strength for tummy and arms..
And gosh I hate looking at those pretty girls when I'll never be them..
my upper lip has inflamed vessels from running noses and acid, my eyes have wrinkles from rubbing and darkness from crying. my skin is oily and unevenly toned, my legs are dimply and excessively scarred from an emo youth. my breasts aren't developed like the ideal woman's. Theres no winning here.

with food, thoughts of food, where, when, how, what I will eat next. i wake up thinking about food, I go to sleep thinking about food. I obsess about food all the while thinking about how much I hate my body and how uncomfortable I am in any position, how I cringe when I catch a glimpse of myself from the wrong angle. How my shape has gotten huge in storefront reflections, why I want to sit in the house on 72 degree days- because I can't stand the idea of short sleeves with all the arm flab.

I've gained a quarter of my starting body weight in the last 6 months of unrestricted b&p. That's incredibly unhealthy and sickening. I have no energy to exercise, or rather, all of the energy I do have is spent on this obsession. It's overwhelmingly negative- every minute.

I know my meds can't work properly when I don't absorb them as I am vomiting several times a day. I can't get out of my head. It's fueling the cycle and I can't seem to make it stop. I have my list of things I should be doing, but it's hard enough to shower and put on mascara and iron my hair so I can bear to be seen in public.

My throat is raw, my tongue is cut and burning. My soul is almost as heavy as my body, and here it is, Mother's Day. We're going to a movie this afternoon, I want to ignore the snacks and try to relax with my daughter on my special day. I was able to enjoy my breakfast in bed of one egg and a banana. I had two glasses of sugar-free Kool-aid (delicious). I am full, but anxious. I'll have to eat something before we go, or else I will be throwing up popcorn halfway through the movie. I have lots of fresh produce, but I cannot seem to be satisfied by any normal approach to eating sensibly.

has anyone noticed how good food tastes when you are going to keep it in, and how awful and boring it tastes when eating only to be sick? funny how the body knows right away what is going on.