Bulimia Help

Today was so, so nice. My boyfriend is currently attending a summer ballet intensive that is rather like a prison camp (the frustrating thing is that it's in my home town, but I can only see him on weekends, and even then he has a curfew lol), but today I knew I would finally get to see him. So I woke up, and straight out of bed I did my Pilates exercises, which I've been trying to do before breakfast every morning because a) then I get them out of the way and b) I've been trying to be more patient and not just roll out of bed and into the kitchen to munch.

Then I went downstairs and began preparing brunch for the two of us. I was a bit hungry, but, not wanting to ruin my appetite for the delicious whole grain French toast and scrambled eggs with tomatoes, pesto, and goat cheese I was making, I just ate a single handful of blueberries. Then I took a moment to realize that this is such a HUGE improvement for me. Six months ago I would have been scarfing down pieces of bread, handfuls of cereal, pinches of goat cheese, and making a trip to the bathroom to purge before I'd even laid all the finished products out on the table. And when my boyfriend arrived and we ate, I put together a reasonably-portioned plate and ate not one bite more than I wanted to. I was satiated, but not uncomfortably full.

After cleaning up from brunch, we went upstairs, had sex, talked for about an hour, then had sex again. He told me my breasts were beautiful and my body was perfect.

Then we picked up a few other friends from the ballet intensive and they came over for a 4th of July cookout. Again...six months ago this would have been SO dangerous for me. Today I managed to prepare all the food without sampling it beforehand, and ate a perfectly sane amount. I was surrounded by friends and was socializing so much that it took me almost half an hour to finish my food...such a nice feeling.

This is going to be a fairly angry and negative blog, and I apologise. But last night, I sat thinking about how friends and family have responded to any vague hint or mention of bulimia (not that I ever talk to them about my problem, but sometimes they try to sneakily bring it up). So I wanted to just write down some remarks they've made, and just rant a bit.

There is an astonishing amount of swearing in this blog. I rarely swear. Should show just how irritable I am today.

Like when I was talking about how I'd had respitory and heart problems, and how I blamed the chain smoking I'd been doing while drunk at uni. My friend decides to put on a know-it-all voice and inform me "Did you KNOW, bulimia is linked to heart attacks and death." with this ridiculously annoying raised eyebrow look and smug nod.
Well for FUCK'S SAKE, of course I know that. Do you think I'm a total idiot? Do you think I'm doing this thinking it's good for my health, or blissfully unaware of the problems? Oh, read a lovely little wikipedia article, did you? Well I'm glad you're the living fucking authority on bulimia and its effects now. Not that you've ever collapsed on a bathroom floor, clutching your chest and praying you'll survive the night. Not that you've ever felt like your stomach might tear, or that your vision is fading. Not that you've spent two year perpetually constipated, feeling every organ in your body struggling to fulfil its purpose. Well thanks for the information. If you'd said it kindly, perhaps I'd take it a bit better, but your holier-than-thou approach has made me FURIOUS.

Today was successful. Probably because I didn't weigh myself first thing this morning, so I had a chance to plan my day and think positive thoughts before a stupid number got me down.

With no b/p or food obsessing, I had to time to study and even enjoyed sushi for lunch with friends- this is a big deal for me, since I have become so reclusive over the past 2 years. It was easy, fun and I feel great now.

After feeling crappy the past little while its such a relief to have had a good day.

Love to you all
Ski

I dont know what i really want to write. I just have felt like im not worthy of writing this and no one would care but i know i need to start loving myself because i turn to food for love. whenever my boyfriend tells me how great i am i get scared because i think about how silly he is for thinking that and know that sooner or later he will figure out im just nothing. i know i need to stop thinking this but i dont know how.

also, i feel like alot of my friends are triggers and in a time i need them the most we are drifting apart. they always talk about how fat they are and the biggest one weighs 10 kilos less than me. they are always drinking which i know i cant do yet because i will b/p

i didnt go to school or talk to any of them today or yesterday and they didnt even say anything and this makes me sad. i know some of them atleast care but yeah.. its embarrassing.

my only two true friends are pretty good. but one has got some seriopus problems of her own so i feel bad venting to her always and she lives 4 hours away. my boyfriend who listens alot and is great but who i dont feel comfortable talking to about how upset i am about my weight and what i eat is 4 hours away too. my other friend, i dunno, i just feel like all i do is complain to her and she doesnt know what to say and i feel bad.. i dunno.

i know what i need to do but it annoys me that i always forget my strategies before i binge then i just end up feeling shit trying not to purge. i dont want to purge or restrict or binge. i want to be healthy but i cant remember how to not binge.

Today my aunt made me go to a pool party. I didn't want go go knowing that there was going to be a bunch of majorly skinny girls swimming in their bikini's. I didn't want to admit why I didn't want to go, so I went. Once we got there of course, as I imagined there were a bunch of skinny soccer girls swimming. But later on a bigger girl came, she ripped off her cloths and exposed a very tight tankini, and she ran into the pool along with the skinny girls. All along I thought to myself: Why can't I be like that? Of course while thinking I was chowing down on hundreds of cook out calories. I restrained myself from running in the house and pucking my over-stuffed gutts out because of that girl. I didn't eat anything all day because I didn't. Now I'm sitting at my aunts house at 1:40 a.m. while everyone else is asleep because I am so hungry but I refuse to eat anything. I guess I have to face the affects of my actions, and let me say it REALLY sux!

Sometimes my ED hits me because I've eaten too much. Other times, I think I indulge in it because it's my own. So many people have things that they enjoy, or identify with: family, friends, sports, talents ... more specifically, they have LIVES. This, this is mine. The anxiety, the rules, the discipline, the restraint, they're mine. It may be a pile of shit, but it's my pile of shit. I didn't choose the hand I was dealt, but I can find some good in it. Their treasures seem so exclusive & unattainable, well who needs it when I have this. Fuck their feelings of belonging and the validation they receive when they're doing what they love - I can feel the same way, it's all in the wrist.

I don't know if anyone has any experience with this but i'm just confused. I suppose it's probably different in every situation.

Ok so last year when I was put into in patient for 6 weeks I met two girls my age and we became really good friends. We've kept in touch and its been SO wonderful to have two people there to talk to who understand everything. Although physically (weight-wise) I've done better than both of them I know that mentally not that much is different. Now I'm just wondering how much of our friendship surrounds this and how much can exist without it. I know that for some people hanging on to this means being surrounded by people with problems too..

Anyway one of my friends has just gone back into hospital and she's really not very good but she's actually considering mentally changing because she's been told that physically she is going to be made to. She's just told me that she can't imagine being better and still friends with me and of course this upset me a lot. I love her so much and want her to change but at the same time the idea of not having her as a friend isn't a nice thought. She described her her problem as a 'tumour' that me and the other girl were part of and as long as we remain, as tiny bits of it, it could reappear at anytime. I just wonder if its possible for people to be mentally in different places but still be friends, as in close friends that really share how they're going and feeling. It makes me want change but that also scares me because its rare for me to have a thought that isn't selfishly focused on just ME and how I look. I'm confused, upset and angry. I do admire her for saying this though and that she has the courage to take action that might change things.

Oh and I'm proud of myself for not simply binging in response to these feelings of anger and sadness to block them out. I've actually just sat with the feeling, wrote here and feel so much more empowered and rational. Yay.

I'm pretty upset. I've lost a friend and it seems to be happening regularly. Can't help but wonder if it's me. I know I need to push that thought out of my head because it's what started this whole bulimia thing in the first place.

I thought we had a special bond. We both suffered EDs and both went through the recovery process together. We did an outpatient program together, saw and heard the worst of each other. I thought there was some sort of understanding between us that you don't very often with people. Then she set me up with a guy. It went wrong with him and now there is no relationship between him and me or me and her. I've lost two people in effect. She seems to prefer to be friends with him despite the fact that we knew each other for longer and went through the recovery process together. Did our friendship mean nothing. I don't understand. I really don't know why she is being like this to me. I've tried to bring it up and I'm always left feeling more confused and wondering what i've done wrong. She didn't even ring me once to ask if I was ok when I broke up with said ex bf.

Do I just fail at relationships? What am I doing wrong with people? I seem to be let down on a regular basis and it is starting to make me question myself all over again.

I kinda hope she is floating around here and maybe reads this, but then what's the point? I think she knows how I feel but doesn't seem to care. She's found other friends.

I'm so hurt and I just don't know who I can bond with anymore because I feel like they will get sick of me eventually, so what's the point?

I was with one of my best friends last night. She knows that I am bulimic and she is going to school to become a dental assistant. She did an xray and her teacher asked if I was bulimic. I answered with confidence because I am not ashamed of my disease anymore. He smiled when I told him that I was in recovery. I have not done as much damage as I could have done, thank god!!!!

She admited to me that she has been using laxitaves a lot because of problems with her digestive system. I let her know about that is how I started and gave her some tips you guys have given me about how to get things rolling again down there. ^_^

She was so happy and glad that I was so informative. She told me that it's crazy that we can talk about poop and she does not upset about it. It was a really good day and I wanted to thank everyone for letting me help her!!!!

God bless!

I have only just joined this site this week which is totally ironic as today is the first time my best mate has totally confronted me about the extent of my condition!

I never knew how much she worries about me and although I told her about my ED and she said she'll always be there for me, I never thought she really cared about it that much.

She has convinced me to tell the rest of my mates and assured me that I can get over this, I feel completely overwhelmed that I have such great mates that r there for me.

I hope my other mates r as supportive as she is and that soon I'll b free from b/p!!!

Good luck to all u beautiful people - we deserve happiness!

Big Love,
Lors xxxx