Bulimia Help

I have only just joined this site this week which is totally ironic as today is the first time my best mate has totally confronted me about the extent of my condition!

I never knew how much she worries about me and although I told her about my ED and she said she'll always be there for me, I never thought she really cared about it that much.

She has convinced me to tell the rest of my mates and assured me that I can get over this, I feel completely overwhelmed that I have such great mates that r there for me.

I hope my other mates r as supportive as she is and that soon I'll b free from b/p!!!

Good luck to all u beautiful people - we deserve happiness!

Big Love,
Lors xxxx

Last night I had a major row with a friend, so bad that when I woke up in the middle of the night, I couldn't get back to sleep, so thought it might help to come and talk about it on here.

Basically it's all the fault of bulimia and how this stupid crazy eating disorder has made me behave in a bad way.

I'm sure you will all understand, but it is so hard to be a good friend when bulimia takes a hold of you. And even in recovery, I become so obsessed with recovery, that I find it quite hard to be there for my friends, but I want them to be there for me, despite the fact that I never make any effort with them. I cancel all plans, I don't return phone calls, etc, etc.

But she doesn't understand that this is not me. This is not who I am. I AM a good friend really. And one reason I'm so sad about falling out with her is because I know there is so much truth to what she is saying. And I really, really love her. But I'm also annoyed with her, because true friends stick throughout. However, sometimes it's important to let friends go, especially if they are making you feel unhappy.

I'm hoping that she'll forgive me and give me another chance. However, even if she gave me another chance, I feel so uncomfortable about all this now.

I've told my fiance that I'm bulimic. I've tried over and over to tell him how much of a struggle it is. I've been doing it for over 2 years. I'm depressed. I get anxiety. It's running my life and he doesn't see it.
But he insists that I have the will power to stop. Do I? Am I just crazy? Do I cry when I look at food for just no reason? I want more than anything to stop but my weight is the only thing I think about. Why can't he get it?
Is there something I can say to him to show him how hard it is? I tried comparing it to his addiction to cigarettes and he pretty much laughed. I feel ashamed. Broken. Helpless. :(

So today is another day and I havent binged. I talked to my ex and I feel really lonely. Somthing that really upset me was the fact that I have been spending some time with some old 'friends' that are guys. I told them i needed some friends and wasnt looking for romance. What upset me was that a few of them made passes at me! And I just realize that I CANT ever have friends taht are guys, they ALWAYS have ulterior motives. Ever since I was a teenager I had this problem, and it caused me alot of issues. I just dont feel like I can trust men at all. It seems like all they care about is sex, even if they act like my friend they still brag to their other guy friends like were dateing or something. Im sure alot of girls on this site have the same problems because everyone is so beautiful. I really need some friends and its so frusterating. Sotold me once that it is my fault because i give off a flirty vibe, but i honestly am just friendly! I guess I need to make some lady friends......Thanx for reading xoxox

One of the biggest problems I have is that I have no local support. Anybody want to move to New Mexico- and get better with me? You can live here for free- seriously! lol I live in a nice three bedroom condo- by myself- and its isolating. My parents let me live here for free since I am in school. You can live here for free too! And the thing is- I am such a cool person when I have someone to share my coolness with- but when I am by myself- I'm a loser.

Before I moved into this condo- I had the COOLEST roommate- and my bulimia was pretty much non- existent. She had cancer as a child- so was very health conscious like me- except- not to the point where it was an obsession. I told her one day that I fear eating cookies- and she told me that cookies were good for you. She reminded me that it had protein from the egg, calcium from the milk, and energy from the flour. I remember expressing that I was upset about putting some weight on in the winter time- and she reminded me that it is normal- and that most people do- and loose it in the summer time when we are most active. She was such a holistic friend. I miss this. I miss the healthy attitude and thinking I had when I lived with her.

We would go to the dance studio and have so much fun improvising to our made up cd's. We would garden together- cook nourishing meals, drink hot tea ALL the time and talk about life and ideas. We would go to pilates and yoga classes all the time. It was SO WONDERFUL to have a down to earth friend like that- because deep down- I am down to earth too.

I wasn't always superficial- and I honestly don't think I am- but I have resorted to shopping and being obsessed about "fixing" my body, because it is my only outlet. ANd I also think Shane's critisism of my hippe clothes didn't help.

I have decided to make a quick list, similar to the one I make every Thanksgiving. What am I thankful for? I think it is more appropriate to consider what I am blessed with, since I am so incredibly lucky it goes beyond simply being thankful for it. So here it goes:

I am blessed to have a family that supports me in all my decisions, in whatever I choose to do. They worry about me and want me to get well.

I am blessed to have friends whom I talked to last night about my bulimia, and they offered me unconditional support. They told me that they will eat with me, help me to remember I am worthy of good things in life, that size doesn't matter, and that a piece of bread will NOT make me fat.

And I am blessed to have found this support group. I could not have started recovery without finding this site, and I sure wouldn't have been able to become healthy again.

I am blessed:)

I need help with this one. I have three online classes, and I don't work- so there is no reason for me to go out. I met a cool girl- who is younger then me- and we went out and had lots of fun dancing. I think i should call her up again- because she is very sweet. I just get anxious going out to crowded places- and now that school started- the places to go dancing are CROWDED(i live in a college town)- which gives me anxiety.

I have close friends- but non of them live in Las Cruces. I remember having this problem when I was a freshman in high school- and my therapist told me to say hi to five strangers every day. It worked- I met lots of people.

Now- I need to do it again. hmmmm

I will

1.
2.

I need to figure something out. Maybe I should get a part time job at a coffee shop or something.

It sucks when a friend that you thought supported you, turns around and makes it all about her.
I feel like she's let me down in the past, but then she has these long deep and meaningful chats with me and shes says shes always here for me...
And now shes making it harder for me!
I've told her my issues with scheduling and I'm now doing things on my own time esspecially when it comes to meal times and then gym. And its been so much less stressfull just going to the gym when I want and for how long I want.
But now she turns around and asks why I've changed and what my issue is and why im pushing her away. She said to me that I change day to day and she never knows.. I told her what I was doing, and distancing myself from her IS taking away some of the stress. So I dont know what to tell her that wont hurt her but shes making me feel like a shitty friend.
Sigh.
I felt I was doing so well until this.

Tomorrow I leave on holiday for 3 weeks!

My goals are:

- to focus on who I'm with and what I'm doing rather than my weight and diet
- to maintain healthy eating habits -- treats allowed, moderation REQUIRED
- to walk lots, do some yoga regularly
- to not limit myself from activities because of my lack of confidence
- to feel happy
- to try and be confident

I'm coming to the end of a part of my life. As cliche as that sounds, it's true. I'm graduating soon, in about 2 weeks. I love my school and I love my friends. And also, being around people all the time for so long, I've realized I'm just afraid to be alone. I'm afraid of losing my friends. I love them to pieces and we're pretty close, we do everything together. One of them even knows about about this. I know I'll keep in touch with them but I'm so insecure about everything that I'm worried we'll lose touch etc. I also worry about not having anyone who knows, at all. If I live back home, my parents don't know and late night binges will be easier than anything. And all the time alone scares me because I don't want to be alone. I'm not okay enough with myself. I guess I just don't like change.

Has anyone else had to deal with these issues, or know how I can approach them in a way in which I won't b/p a lot more with the stress?