Bulimia Help

Every time we step on the scale, what are we ACTUALLY measuring? Our "success"? Our "self worth"? Our "beauty"? I hate to break it to you but the scale can't measure any of these things.

What then are we measuring? The number on the scale tells us the weight of our 206 bones, hundreds of muscles, brain, heart, liver, kidneys, pancreas, lungs, intestines, blood, skin, and yes, fat. When the number on the scale changes we have no way of knowing if we lost or gained fat or something else like fluid, muscle mass, or bone density!!

Another key thing I'd like to point out is that each of us is built differently. For example, I walked on stage at a lean 158lb for a fitness competition (I'm 5'8") and i was a size 6! Nobody would believe me when I told them how much I weighed! One lb of muscle takes up way less space than one lb of fat :)

I urge you to stop weighing yourself and find out how YOU define success, self worth, and beauty. Throw out your popular magazines that glorify skinny and slim! CREATE YOUR OWN IDEALS! You have and are everything you need to be ;)

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Why.
It's all I can honestly ask right now. Why does anything bad have to all come in one shot?
In the space of two weeks, I've received a collections notice for a bill that I was never given, plus a lay by payment demand that I forgot because my mum lost my receipt and i forgot about it. It's all alot of money that I don't have and don't have enough time to get it.
Also, another huge worry is that i had a lump in my neck. I had for a couple of weeks and didn't think too much on it. But it started getting a little sore so I asked my mum and she got really worried so she took me to my doctor. My doctor said it might be a lymph node infection so he gave me really strong antibiotics to take like 6 times a day for a week and a blood test.
Went back to the doctors (now yesterday as it is nearly 3am here). And my blood test results came back okish. he said it was ok apart from my electrolytes and potassium levels a bit off but nothing too bad.
He then checked my neck and proceeded to tell me that the lump hadn't gotten smaller, but had gotten bigger :(
So now I have to have an ultrasound today and find out what happens from there.
AT first when this all started I wasnt worried at all. But the doctor looked really concerned and, what makes everything worse is that I had cancer when I was five years old and had to have one of my kidney's removed to get rid of the tumor there.
I'm trying to think that it's most likely not anything serious, let alone cancer. But, I can't help not thinking about it.
And I'm having major family issues too with my oldest sister.
Let me tell you now, that my oldest sister and I, its a very complicated relationship.
she is 16 years older than me.
And as long as I can remember has always made nasty remarks about my weight and appearance and pretty much criticize me about anything. Usually, it was not often, and despite us not getting along the best, we still cared and love eachother because we're sisters.

Hello my lovely co-fighters ( i imagine us wearing our fighters gear like Lord of the Rings, LOL)

I am back from the doctor, and as usual, she delayed, since she always pay attention to every patient. I just couldn't wait to tell her that i've been doing well for SIX days!! I did saw her eyes twinkle for a moment... and she asked how did i manage to make this mindset.
I did told her it was an innerchange, so not without the help of a regular therapist.. my credit actually goes to my spiritual coach*, i met her last year, requesting for coaching for highsensitive persons.

We also went through the result of my bloodtapping, and i asked about the thyroid value, and she said 4.7 (normal values: 0.5 - 5.0) really is normal, nothing to worry about.
People with real Thyroid problems can have values of 80, 100 or even 280!! So my value is within a healthy marge. So there is hope for us people.. hopefully all of us still have a good Thyroid. The blood pressure also is fine, she even said: wow.. you got a sporty bloodpressure!! Since i do sport now (not too much, and not to compensate :)

She highly encouraged me to see a haptoherapist, to reconnect with my feelings again and also a dieterian who works according the holistic way.. so i am happy.

Just one thingy; i did my glanced myself in the mirror, and my leatherjacket is TIGHT. This really doesn't make me happy. I look like a schoolgirl who drinks too much beer and therefore gained weight. That is not happy making.. really.. hmpfh.

xx

* My spiritual coach has given me a lot of innerstrength, and also she doesn't read this, I hereby send her all my love, because our 'relationship' is not like traditional - she doesn't keep the distance like a regular therapist does, and she also eats in a holistic approach ( i sincerely recommend anybody who as an affinity with holistic healing to think about it).

About a year ago, my periods mysteriously stopped. Boom. After almost ten years of my body working like clockwork, once a month, I suddenly found myself staring longingly at the pretty boxes of pads and tampons on the supermarket shelves.

For about three months, I ignored the problem. I knew I wasn't pregnant. I just assumed that they would come back. But it wasn't just that I was missing my period - I was missing almost any hormonal fluctuations at all. It was like being on a permanent low, the kind of low you get with PMS. Except there seemed to be no relief in sight.

Eventually, my boyfriend and my mother convinced me to go see a doctor. I got pushed around from specialist to specialist, having ultrasounds, blood tests, and a plethora of other jabbings and proddings to find out what was wrong with me. All they could come up with was that my oestrogen levels were abnormally low. Why? They said stress. "Stress?" I thought, "I'm not under any stress. I've got a perfectly normal life, and I can't imagine it being any other way".

In hindsight, I can see that I was actually under huge amounts of stress - I was on extreme diets that had me eating enough protein to reek like a farm animal. I was exercising for hours at a time. But for some reason, it just didn't click that what I was actually experiencing - obsessive behaviour about food and exercise - was actually an eating disorder, that was plunging my hormone levels into a bucket of cold water. I lost my sex drive, my ability to work at uni, my concentration. I would burst into tears at the dinner table, and be unable to explain why.

Now, I'm finally getting an understanding of exactly how bulimia is effecting my body and my mind. Things like holes in my teeth, constant runny nose, low energy levels.. It seems so obvious.

Been bulemic for a year now and haen't had my period since a couple of days ago. Do any of you hae a period? Does it usually stop when you are an actie bulemic? (I don't hae the letter that looks like a "U" on my keyboard.

I neer went to the doctor because I was afriad he would know that I was Bullemic and tell my parents. No one knows about my problems except for me.... I try not to let it effect anything else... but it does.

I hate it when people comment on how I hae it all together... but little do they know about this demon that beats me up inside...

Gosh. SO frustrating. I wish I could just stop. Foreer. And say fuck you eating disorder you ar eout of my life.

I wonder if I will eer be normal again.

So I injured my back... first it was the right side n not its the left side. i went to the dentist today, got my las filling n i cant feel my face LOL when i laugh i look so retarded hehee. i dont know what to do anymore, i havent b/p in 15 days (since the last time i b/p) n i feel happy about that. i was working out too n i think thats how i injured my back so now im freaking out because i feel like im gonna get fat if i dont workout! i need burn all those calories... i was so happy about everything n now im so mad. this afternoon i was making my husband laugh by making all those deedeedee faces, since i look stupid, n he was laughing too n then out of nowhere i felt this sharp pain in my back n i went from LAUGHING OUT LOUD to CRYING LIKE A BABY! he got so scared, he didnt know what to do. he thought i was joking until he saw all the tears.
im so mad!! i want to move around, jump, walk n work out. one thing is for sure, im not going to B/P, ive been doing great, im eating, im happy about my recovery n no matter what im not going to B/P... well i cant b/p because i cant even bend over to puke! so i guess not being able to walk n move is a good thing!! as long as i can feel my legs im ok :D

anyway, i thnk im done... take care everybody <3

My nurse practitioner is so awesome. I've been her patient since I was in high school and she's seen me throughout the duration of my ED. I hadn't seen her since December, so when I went in for my appointment today I was shocked and excited to see that she is pregnant with TWINS!!! She's due in November. She already has one little girl (maybe close to two years old) and I can remember the last time she was prego. So awesome because I'm sure she is a wonderful mother. So caring and sweet.
I went in with this long list of ailments (I wrote them all down so as not to forget any!) and she sat there and listened to me the entire time and answered all my questions and put my mind at ease about some things.
I had initially scheduled the visit because I've had chest tightness and a racing heartbeat for the past couple of days. Of course when I woke up today it was gone (so typical!). Anyway, I still got the EKG and it came out just fine!! My doc also listened to my heart and said it sounded great. That leads me to believe the symptoms were caused by sheer anxiety (I was working myself into a frenzy over the stupid symptoms, so it was like a cycle: stress causes the pain/racing and pain/racing causes the stress!). She is going to order some labs to check my electrolyte and hormone levels. I'm also going to have a back x-ray for the chronic pain and spasming that I've had for YEARS).

hey,
my family are all relatively healthy, don't buy refined foods etc, which is what i try to be like...however, of course, the foods the eat do not contain my 'favourite' binge foods, meaning that i have to go out and buy them myself whenever i 'need' to. This makes me feel all the more guilty, as all i want it to be healthy and these foods make me disgusted when i think about it post binge.

I'm not afraid to eat anything now, and on a 'normal' day, i do eat an adequate amount of foods, the stuff i like. actually healthy foods (which do consist of more than fruit and veg btw.) But the binging still happens, especially when i'm stressed, so it seems inevitable. Is this how it is for me now? A the moment it seems to me that no more progress can be made. All i want is to be healthy-not perfect-healthy.

Well, I went to my first therapy session since 10th grade yesterday... and I'm glad I did. Not only do I have the issues that I already knew about, but my doctor is convinced that I'm ADHD and was never properly diagnosed. It makes sense though. I thought everyone walked in circles everyday trying to figure out what I was doing... and zoned out thinking of a million unrelated subjects when people started talking to me or trying to teach me something. I could barely stay seated long enough to talk to the woman I was so fidgety. And she had so many horse figurines... and pictures... and just random stuff it was just one BIG distratction. hopefully this is the problem... i have noticed that my lack of knowing what to do , or what I was planning on doing causes me anxiety... which I thought was happening for no reason... and that of course, leads to binge eating, which leads to guilt, which leads to purging. WOW i've been thinking about this too much... but I'm really trying to figure it out.