Bulimia Help

It's been 2 weeks now since I finally went to the doctors to seek help for this disease. Since then I've been in a very dark depression waiting until the 10th, the day that I can finally get in to see the psychologist and hopefully start some sort of inpatient program, medication, or counseling.

Since going to the doctors I have not been able to leave the house much at all. Luckily I have been on vacation for this entire time but I have to go back to work in a few days and this is causing me extreme anxiety. I just need the 10th to come as fast as possible but I don't know if I can even wait that much longer. I have almost put myself into some sort of hospitalization 5 different times over the last 2 weeks. I fear for my own safety and more importantly my sanity.

I am however hopeful that there is help out there for me. I have hit my rock bottom and I am willing to try everything. It's either keep fighting or die, right? I'll keep fighting... As long as I can.

7 more days. 1 day at a time.

I believe that every single one of us on this site will one day look back upon it and be able to say the number of YEARS we've been b/p free, and it will be AMAZING. Life is so worth living, let's get on with living it the way it should be.

Hi I went to an OA meeting today for the first time. I liked it I think.
Wondered if anyone else had been/had any experiences to share about this?

Hope you're all doing good...I'm picking myself up again.

with love
x

I am one day into recovery.

The sun finally made it's way through the stretch of gray, cloudy sky.
It's about time, it's summer but then again it's oregon lol Sunshine was not the only reason for my good day yesterday; I ate fairly healthy, exercised, and even laughed for the first time in a long time. But it wasn't easy at first. I had to wake up at 6:30 after staying up until midnight so I could make it to my pilates class. Ed beat me up for having two small bowls of cereal before the class, but I told myself it wasn't that much and that I needed to eat something before I worked out. I was exhausted in the car on the way to the gym, and when I got there I could barely keep my eyes open. But I did it. The class was pretty low impact, but hey it's an improvement. And afterwords I felt great! It was totally worth getting up early and struggling to keep up in the class.

Later in the day, I went for a quick jog and today I feel sore. I haven't felt sore in ages! I don't think I've really exercised for more than 6 weeks. I know this could all get out of control and I could start exercising obsessively, yes I am aware of that, but for now I think it is a positive improvement in my life. I feel alive and much happier :) I know today will be another struggle, but when I stick with it, it's all worth it. And I forgot about that in the midst of my depression. Sure I dip into moods depression throughout the day, but for the most part I feel much better. The sun has come back and even if he decides to hide behind the clouds again, so what? I've been reminded that I really do have the will-power to keep hope shining in my life, in my recovery.

so i've been thinking about how disappointed i was with my last therapy session, and i realized i was kind of alarmed at how naive i've been about therapy in general.

i've been in therapy before for depression, so i'm fully aware that it's not a magic cure-all pill that instantly makes everything better. but that doesn't mean that i don't sometimes just want it to be. it seems so impossible that my life ever reached this point and i just keep waiting for that one moment of truth where i have an epiphany and realize it's all going to be okay because if it's gotten this bad, it can only get better.

real life doesn't work like that. there has never been that moment and there won't ever be that moment because eating disorders and depression aren't fucking lightswitches. my therapist isn't superman. i hate realizing that because it means that even the person i'm paying to listen to my problems isn't going to be able to solve them for me.

it almost doesn't seem fair to expect me to be my own hero in this situation because i'm obviously at a point where i don't remotely trust or respect myself or any of my perceptions and decisions.

sometimes i feel like it's easier to just be depressed and miserable and in a constant state of self-loathing because it's what i'm used to. i'm comfortable here. it's so much effort to try to get somewhere else. and sometimes i'm scared to get better because i'm at a point where i almost feel defined by what's wrong with me. like i won't be interesting anymore if i'm not a psychological fuck-up, because without that there's just this empty shell of a person.

but as much as i've hated myself and punished myself and wanted to stop living, underneath all of that, i'm still here, and i'm still me. at this point it's not even going to be the realization that i have to be the one to rescue myself; i think i've kind of known that all along. what's going to matter is believing i can.

whew. daunting.

I can finally see light at the end of the tunnel. Ever since I er . . . well . . . . considered the possibility of having a child, it seems that my bulimia has reacted accordingly. I appear to have been able to control it much better knowing that by doing so it would promote not only my own health, but also any potential life that I sustain.

On a less favourable note . . . . I just got yelled at by my father. I hate it. I am not 2 any more, I am 24 years old. He just doesn't seem to get it and it frustrates me immensely. I want him to treat me like an adult, with respect and dignity. Instead, he lectures me about the rights and wrongs of life without allowing me to make my own mistakes. My b/f keeps encouraging me to speak to him, but I am too frightened of the potential repercussions. I don't know what to do. :-(

It's not about the numbers. It's not about how much I weigh. How many cups of cereal I just ate. What size jeans I wear. If I do have a little bit of belly fat now. If I binged this week. It just doesn't matter.

What does matter is that I have people in my life who care about me. People how love me. No matter what. It's about having someone who cares about you when you want to call it quits.

It's about you.
Everything about you.
Not just what you you see,
You. Just you.

And that's worth fighting for.

(This is the same as my "Introduction" Comment, so you may have already read it, but it probably is more appropriate as a blog!)

Hi Everyone! Wow, what a group of courageous and inspirational people. I just want to take a moment to appreciate every one of you for taking the initiative to beat your eating disorder.

My name is Jane and I'm 24. I've battled bulimia for 9 years now, with bouts of anorexia here and there. When I was anorexic, I thought I had gotten over my eating disorder, but looking back now I realize I was in denial--I thrived on having so much control and, because I was purging very infrequently, I didn't realize every aspect of my eating disorder besides the binging and purging was still there. Looking back, I was actually much unhappier, and surely less pleasant to be around because I was always anxious, hungry, short-tempered and sad. Where am I now? Well, I'm suppose I'm EDNOS, but I really don't think whether someone throws up 2x/week for a least 2 months is the deciding factor that makes someone bulimic or not. Like many of you, I think the DSM-IV is crap, and labels trap people in their disorders. I think it's important for us to realize that we are not the problem--we are not bulimia. We have a relationship with bulimia that we have the potential to exonerate. For many of us, though, we need to hold onto this relationship because we are lacking in others. Bingeing and purging gives us a surefire, predictable relationship where we know we will be comforted, be in control, and perhaps feel somewhat better afterward.

It's amazing the hope a new day can bring. The past 3 days have been dark, laden w/ non-recovery actions such as restriction, and binging and purging. Each of the past 3 days began with good intentions, as I'm sure you can relate, but were riddled with triggers that I succumbed to readily. Well not readily, I fought them in my mind, but I didn't reach out for help like I know I should have. I felt discouraged and beat, because I am really adamant about recovery this time. WHY CAN'T IT BE PERFECT!? Such a silly inquiry, I know. Anyway, I went to be early last night and rose early this morning. I shoveled the snow from the drive and went to Hot yoga at 8am. I came home, at breakfast, and I am feeling good. I know I can do this. I have to keep forgiving myself for me screw ups, big or small, and know that I AM STILL IN THIS. Recovery is a battle and it takes endurance. I believe I can ride the waves. Tonight, I will be challenged, as I will have the opportunity to B/P, alone at the house. I need to make a plan of action so I will be with someone or out of the house.

YOU ARE WORTH IT.

Piper

God has laid it on my heart to spread the word about Mercy Ministries. It is not a treatment facility but instead a life changing place. It is free of charge and the average stay is 6 months. I know 6 months seems like a long time but it is so worth it. Besides what is 6 months of your life in comparison to your whole life? What a great way to invest in something positive. I went to Mercy in St. Louis for 6 1/2 months in 2008 and I would do it again in a heartbeat. It was totally worth it! Go online and check out Mercy Ministries and see for yourself. If you are serious about getting better than this is the place for you!

I welcome any questions or feedback anybody has.