Bulimia Help

It's amazing the hope a new day can bring. The past 3 days have been dark, laden w/ non-recovery actions such as restriction, and binging and purging. Each of the past 3 days began with good intentions, as I'm sure you can relate, but were riddled with triggers that I succumbed to readily. Well not readily, I fought them in my mind, but I didn't reach out for help like I know I should have. I felt discouraged and beat, because I am really adamant about recovery this time. WHY CAN'T IT BE PERFECT!? Such a silly inquiry, I know. Anyway, I went to be early last night and rose early this morning. I shoveled the snow from the drive and went to Hot yoga at 8am. I came home, at breakfast, and I am feeling good. I know I can do this. I have to keep forgiving myself for me screw ups, big or small, and know that I AM STILL IN THIS. Recovery is a battle and it takes endurance. I believe I can ride the waves. Tonight, I will be challenged, as I will have the opportunity to B/P, alone at the house. I need to make a plan of action so I will be with someone or out of the house.

YOU ARE WORTH IT.

Piper

God has laid it on my heart to spread the word about Mercy Ministries. It is not a treatment facility but instead a life changing place. It is free of charge and the average stay is 6 months. I know 6 months seems like a long time but it is so worth it. Besides what is 6 months of your life in comparison to your whole life? What a great way to invest in something positive. I went to Mercy in St. Louis for 6 1/2 months in 2008 and I would do it again in a heartbeat. It was totally worth it! Go online and check out Mercy Ministries and see for yourself. If you are serious about getting better than this is the place for you!

I welcome any questions or feedback anybody has.

feeling better, no binges so far =)
i think the secret is taking it day by day not looking too much in the future!

I have decided to make a quick list, similar to the one I make every Thanksgiving. What am I thankful for? I think it is more appropriate to consider what I am blessed with, since I am so incredibly lucky it goes beyond simply being thankful for it. So here it goes:

I am blessed to have a family that supports me in all my decisions, in whatever I choose to do. They worry about me and want me to get well.

I am blessed to have friends whom I talked to last night about my bulimia, and they offered me unconditional support. They told me that they will eat with me, help me to remember I am worthy of good things in life, that size doesn't matter, and that a piece of bread will NOT make me fat.

And I am blessed to have found this support group. I could not have started recovery without finding this site, and I sure wouldn't have been able to become healthy again.

I am blessed:)

I finally told my parents that I have an eating disorder! I've been wanting to tell them something for so long, I've been dropping these little hints, but I never could bring myself to saying it. Yesterday, I wrote my mom an email that sounded pretty bad, I would be surprised if she weren't freaked out by it. For the first time in my life, I had actual suicidal thoughts - I saw no future for myself, and I didn't see why my life couldn't just end there and then. I felt like it wouldn't made any difference if I kept on living. And in that mental state, I decided to write her an email. Not the best idea, because it was pretty dark, but at least I asked her for help, and admitted I need my family's support. Today when I talked to her and finally told her everything - how I make myself vomit, how it's been worse for the past 6 months, up to 3 times each day, how I'm terrified of gaining weight, how I'm caught in a cycle of starving because I'm afraid that if I'll eat normally I won't be able to stop and I'll binge, how depriving myself of food actually drives me into craving and bingeing, how that makes me feel guilty and I restrict again... And I told her I need help getting out of it. I told her how I need someone to care, how I'm afraid that if I'm not thin no-one ever will, and how I feel like being very skinny will make people to at least worry, if not care about me.

Bulimia sucks. I feel angry and cry all the time because I am so hungry, afraid of food, and afraid of gaining weight. I binge and purge, but even that exacerbates these feelings. If I didn't purge 'well enough', I freak. Seldom do I purge 'well enough'. I hate the word purge... why don't we call it what it really is?

I want to wake up in the morning and get ready for school without weighing myself. I want to eat breakfast. I want to be able to focus on my school work and not constantly think about food and snap at my friends. I want to eat lunch. I want to be okay after school, and eat a snack when I feel hungry. I want to exercise with energy. I want to bring back passion to the things I do - to try new things and enjoy old things. I want to eat dinner and not feel guilty. I want to go to bed feeling comfortable, happy, and thinking about the things that matter in this world. Not my weight; not how many calories I ate; not how horrible I feel about myself.

I am changing "WANT TO" to "CAN".

There is more in this world. I've seen it, and I've felt it. Bulimia makes me forget that I am more than this physical body, and that I am worth so much more than the way I make myself feel.

I'm going to eat breakfast tomorrow and it will be okay. I will be okay. I can recover; I will recover; I AM recovering.

I needed to get that out. Don't care who reads it or not :)

Things are looking better. I have been tempted to go back to eating disorder behaviors such as restricting but i feel so much better when i am feeding my body. Plus i get up before 5 am everyday and need the food to keep me going...i am so tired!