Bulimia Help

One second is all it takes for everything to change; to go from good to bad.

I'm lying on my bed, feeling half conscient although being wide awake; the numbness is taking over. My vision is blury, my throat is sore. I don't wanna look into my mirror; I know how puffy my eyes are, how swollen my glands are: I can feel it. Funny how you can feel nothing and everything at the same time. I just wish a could disappear, just for a moment.

B/p hangover its called.
So tired, but cant sleep.

I thought I had made it through the day; ate my two snacks and three meals. Everything was perfectly fine, I was feeling positive, confident and proud of myself. Then I went out at a shisha bar with some close friends, good plans in perspective.
... Untill they started asking. Asking questions. Too many questions. Questions I dont wanna answer, cuz I actually dont have the answer. And talking. Talking way too much. Talking about shits I'm trying to forget, mistakes I did for which I'm feeling guilty. But I guess there are times when you cannot escape, facing the truth is the only remaining option. At that point, my head is spinning.

I'm sick of this. Sick of being a failure. Sick of being lost. Sick of disappointing people I love. Sick of hurting people. Sick of making mistakes. Sick of trying to be perfect. Sick of caring too much. Sick of those rumours, that I didnt want to start.
Cuz its my fault. At that point, guilt is taking over.

Got home. Opened the fridge. Ate a shit fkn load of food. Ran into the bathroom. Puked all I could. At that point, I have just destroyed all the efforts I made today.