Bulimia Help

Yesterday, was a really good day for me. The first day in a long time to!
I woke up in the morning, having a good balanced breakfast and sipping my coffee, listening to the birds chirping and the sun slowly rising... and listening to Bob Dylan (my hero.) All day I was talking to my love (Will) and couldn't stop thinking about him! He sent me tons of cute messages that made me feel all fuzzy inside and gave me a big boost to recover.
So at noon, I went to my therapist meeting and it was a little interesting at first.. she kinda pissed me off a bit (actually-a lot.) But I delt with it and just basically told her to shut up in the kindest way possible! She says I'm "too sweet" and that I "put up a wall towards everyone I meet and rarely knock it down." that wasn't what got me so mad though.. it was her talking about my dad and how much he cares and that my mom and I knock him out of the family. Okay-she's wack.

After all that jazz we went to go see my family and shop a little but first we went to Mcdonalds. I bought something that I knew wouldn't make me feel guilty but that was good for me. I got there Southwestern salad (it had cheese, black beans, and corn) so it was a good boost of fiber and protein! Lasted me till dinner! Then after visiting Grandmaw, going shopping*bought lots of goodies!* and seeing my uncle and cousin, the day was good! We didn't start heading home till about 7:30 so it took us a few hours to get home. We stopped at Subway, I got my favorite sub, a lemonade, and a banana. Yum!
When I finally got home I took a nice shower, relaxed, chatted with Will and then went to sleep. Now it's the start of another new day and I got plans out the you know what!

Recovery is possible-I'm going to beat this eating disorder and live my life! <3

Today is my 3rd day without binging and purging after relapsing several times. I told my boyfriend about my disorder and was positive that he would break up with me, because of how disgusting i am.

He didn't break up with me, but was incredibly supportive for a couple of weeks and talked me down from binges and helped me get 10 days together. Then we got in a fight while he was drunk and depressed and now he says we need to spend time apart to work on our problems. He said he needed me to push him to take care of his health and do the things he felt he should be doing, but I said that wasn't my job. I can be supportive of course, but I can't make him eat healthy or work out or do whatever it is he thinks he needs to be happy. He said he was too busy focusing on other people's problems to address his own issues. That hurt. I was finally getting a taste of what real honesty with a partner was, and finally showed the part of myself I've kept hidden for over 15 years. And it feels like it backfired. I made myself into a burden for him. And I can't even reciprocate by being whatever it is that he needs, someone to push him.

He says he only feels self-sufficient when he is single. That hurt too. He says he doesn't want to break up and I'm the only person he's ever seen a future with, but how can i believe that? If being apart during our toughest times is how we handle things, if we can't even help each other through these things, then what's the point? I am so tempted to throw in the towel. I want to run away from him and start all over with someone who doesn't know this stuff about me. I feel like I ruined everything by telling him.

Chances are you don't realize how beautiful you are. We see ourselves so differently from the way other people do. I've met so many amazing people who are gorgeous on the outside and on the inside but they tell me they feel "plain" or "ugly" or "not good enough". It breaks my heart!

I used to think that if I beat myself up enough it would motivate me to be better. Unfortunately, I think that plan backfired! Self-destructive thoughts lead to self-destructive behaviors, depression, hopelessness, and the feeling that you never will be enough. It wasn't until I actually ACCEPTED myself, flaws and all, that I began to blossom into the person I had wanted to force myself to be through self-abuse. The painful irony of it!

I'm still not perfect but now I look in the mirror and I see a woman who is strong, creative, loving, and has many good things to offer the world. I see the positives, rather than the negatives.

I hope that you can start to see how beautiful you really are! Let go of your self-depreciation and embrace your imperfections, your originality. Throw out your magazines and be your own role model! You are more beautiful than any airbrushed stick thin model plastered on the cover!

Yesterday was really weird, and i binged because i didnt know how to deal with these feelings.. ive never had them before. i wish i didnt binge because it still hasnt fixed anything.

Basically, lately I've started accepting and even loving my body, it feels strong and I am just filled with love for it.

But then i looked in the mirror this morning, which i hadnt dont properly for a while and i remembered it still has all the things i wanted to get rid of all these years. i have love handles, my hip bones dont poke out, my stomach has a bit of wobble to it and there is cellulite on my arse. Then i started hating it, thinking how could i have gotten this way, how could i fool myself into actually liking it.. but some of me still liked it.. i dunno.

i dont really know what to do, accept that my body isnt 'perfect' but still like its flaws or hatemy flaws.

There are actually three "me and my friend" situations in my life at the moment, and I don't like any of them.

The first one is ED-related. Me and my friend - peanut butter. I once again discovered that when I start eating it, I can't stop and it's a hell to purge. Learnt my lesson well this time, I hope.

The second and the third one are (love)life related.

The second one is Me and my friend - boy X
We are kinda dating right now, but he is so much more into me that I'm into him. Actually.. I have a strong physical wish (I want him so bad :P) for him, but mentally, on the personality level (which is so much more important in the long run) .. we are not really a match.. Now I don't know what to do.. should I just tell him and say goodbye.. or should I listen to my body and hormones and go for it? He is, what I call the perfect fuck-friend material, but this friends with benefits situation might hurt him.. When he is not around I can easily say that I will tell him that I don't think our personalities are the best combo.. but when he's near me all I can hear is Ozi - Juicy Pen playing in my head :P

The third one is Me and my friend - boy Y
We were going out like a year ago, but we broke up because I got scared it would become to serious and broke things off..
well now, I want him back.. not as a boyfriend (maybe sometime :P) but I miss his company, our irelevant long talks about random stuff when we were high, our jokes, his sense of humor.. he was so much better for me I think... but I'm afraif I would hurt him again.. because he needed a LOOONG time to get over me.. and I don't want to put him through pain again but at the same time, I want to call him up, go for a smoke with him and have fun, laugh and feel relaxed again..

For the first situation .. the solution is easy.. STAY AWAY FROM THE PEANUT BUTTER!

I woke up pretty late today (like 11:30) immediately wanting to binge- but I didn't. I had the strongest craving for chocolate, so I ate roughly a tablespoon and a half of chocolate icing- exactly what I wanted. Not a balanced breakfast, but yeah. I'm happy about this because although it wasn't a good food choice, it could have been so much worse because I could have totally lost my head, went ape-shit, and eaten the world.. Then I went to Mom's, ate a small salami "hoagie" with american cheese, ketchup and pickle relish, took a shower and got ready. I'm also happy about this because it definitely wasn't the ideal meal, but again, it could have been a lot worse. I think that's all I ate this morning. My memory about this seems foggy for some reason. But anyway, I got blood work done. The doctor pissed me off, and I was having a nic-fit, but I managed to survive. My dad and grandmother pissed me off also but after beating my old bedroom's cheap wall with a curtain rod, I felt better (and by the way, no damage was even done. I'm weak). This sounds funny, but hey, it helped! I guess violence isn't the best stress relief, but beating the crap out of a wall is better than beating the crap out of my body. I spent the rest of the day with Dan, which definitely made me feel great. Two of his cute little cousins, Abbie and McKenzie, gave me hugs. We went to wing night at Macado's and I met someone new, one of Muhammad's friends, and he was a pretty cool guy. I'm glad Dan likes Moe and his friends, because Dan wanted to make new friends anyway- that's actually how we began talking. I like helping him, it makes me feel good. I didn't eat at Macado's, although he would have preferred that I did, but I did after Dan dropped me off. Here at home I (devoured)/ate a banana, 2 slices of this really strange but delicious broccoli and cheese casserole type thing, too many mini-cookies (I didn't count.

I've just had a huge realization. I am beautiful. I am perfect. I don’t need to change myself for anyone. I am finally happy. And I you can be too. I know this is a really long entry, but it is from the bottom of my heart and I believe it could help if you are ever feeling insecure. I promise there is so much love out there for you.

I just got back from a 5-day festival that was the best experience of my life. I had so many perfect days and perfect things happen to me. I met thousands of accepting, loving people who would never judge you for anything. The atmosphere of this festival was one that I will never forget, and will apply to every day of my life from now on. This place was heaven. It was a giant campground of 6000 people, all happy and ready to party and have a good time. There is no judging and no fighting. All there is is love everywhere for everyone around you. I met thousands of people, though I remember only a handful of their names I will always remember how they all made me feel. Everyone there accepts you completely. I've never felt that kind of vibe anywhere in my life. It is absolutely unexplainable, but I will try to explain anyways though I know I can never do it justice.

Before I went to the festival I was so insecure. In one of my previous entries I write about how I felt like I was always "on”. I could never fully relax and I was constantly thinking about what people were thinking about me. If I did something "stupid", or did something to embarrass myself, I would take forever for me to let it go. I would always be watching what I said and did to try to make sure I wouldn’t mess up, and if I did it would run through my head for days and days. I would hate myself for it and beat myself up over it for the longest time.

when i was 17 i was heavy into drugs, and the "friends" i had didn't really love me. my parents had distanced themselves from me, and the boy i "loved" had given up too. so there was no one left. and the girls i thought were cool, tried to be as thin as possible. so in order to fit in so did i. the first day i threw up was after my family went to an Italian restaurant for father's day. f***ing father's day. it scared me, but then i woke up the next day and my stomach was flat.

so i started starving myself, i thought i had "discipline" because of it. but the anorexia became too hard to avoid food anymore, so on my 19th birthday i binged and ate food i normally wouldn't. food that wasn't safe. and i realized as long as i could throw up everything i wouldn't gain weight. so i would weigh myself before the binge, and then again after to make sure no food was left in my stomach.

and it's been all down hill from there. i found a recovery center, but am still unsure about going......

http://www.timberlineknolls.com/information/admissions/payment

Hello my friends :D

Obviously, I'm in a good mood :D Let me explain..

First of all.. I haven't binge since I don't remember when. the last blog entry probably :D
Well, my eating habbits are getting better as planned and I feel better and better every day.. I'm so thrilled that I have control over my life back.. yes, I know that I'm probably going to relapse somewhere in the future.. but at the moment, it doesn't really matter.. all that it matters this moment is that I'm fine :D

Second of all .. two days ago I was at this awesome concert.. I flirted a bit with a guy who was stending next to me.. but then he went away.. I was sure that the flirt was just my imagination, but still, I kept one eye open in case he would come back.. and guess what.. he did.. he didn't say a word, just put his hand around my shoulders and enjoyed the music with me.. we danced, jumped and singed together all night.. I gave him my number and we have been texting for two days now.. which kina annoys me, because I hate texting.. I mean, just take me out for fucks sakes.. I won't do you any harm.
Now I thinkinh if I should just ask him out ir wait for him to make a move... ah.. help? advice? please :D

I made an important discovery today. I was sitting in the car with my mom; we were on our way to see The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (we actually got lost on the way to the theater and didn't make it there on time, but anyway).

The coversation began with me expressing my concern over some really mean things my sister has been saying. When I was still throwing up, food would, of course, disappear from the pantry at a rapid rate. She *knows* I haven't been binging and purging since I've been home this summer, and yet whenever my mom brings home new groceries, my sister has to say something snyde, like, "Well that'll be gone by tomorrow." It really hurts me when she makes those little digs, because getting a handle on my eating disorder has been the hardest thing I've ever, ever done. She has no idea. And now, when food is so obviously NOT disappearing, and I am NOT always slipping away to the bathroom, she still has to tear away at me.

I know it's because she's the little sister who's always had to follow in the footsteps of Miss Perfect. I know that she must feel so good to never have had a problem on as huge a scale as bulimia, and having that to dangle over me is, in her eyes, a better advantage than any test score or college scholarship. But it still hurts. A lot.

My mom said, "I think she's disappointed by it...she literally can't understand your thinking, why you would do something so stupid. It's wrong. They write about it in teen magazines, everyone knows it's horrible for you, so why would you even try it? You did something stupid, and she doesn't understand. Just like you wouldn't understand why a heroin addict would be so stupid as to try heroin for the first time."