Bulimia Help

I have always loved taking care of kids but the last year or so I feel like it is just a chore. Growing up I was always the girl holding all the babies and kids have always naturally warmed up to me. They used to be the love of my life and I enjoyed every minute with them. Then a few years ago my brother and sister-in-law decided that I didn't need to be around my niece and nephew because of my issues with the ED. I was devastated for about a year because they would not let me even see them. My mom started praying that God would take my love away from them so that I would not hurt so badly. Then once they started letting me see them again my love wasn't there anymore. I am now a nanny for a 2 year old girl and I love her very much! The problem is I don't enjoy working with her with her for 12 hours straight. I have really not been happy with my job during the winter months. I am cooped up in the house all day with cameras on me, and a lot of times the dad works from home and is in the same room with us all day. I feel so stressed out with all of it right now. I often wonder if I don't work with kids in order to feel safe. Most of the time kids accept me and I fear rejection. I am wanting to pursue a different career but I am so scared of change. I have decided to finish my time with this little girl and then I am seriously going to consider a different career path. I want to go back to school and get my Masters in Counseling. I want to have more adult conversation and also start helping people. The little girl I take care of now is the first child I have loved in a long time. I don't know if anyone else experiences this but I have had a hard time feeling love for people ever since this ED started over 10 years ago. A lot of times I just won't feel anything. I am scared that if I do ever get married and have kids that I won't be able to love my children. I just don't want taking care of children to feel like such a chore and a dread anymore.

First I'd like to say I'm new here,I'm kinda just floating around.I decided that I should maybe share this story because it was something that actually impacted me greatly.
Second I noticed that in that yellow box before you post something,it says not to post "Potential triggers",seems a bit odd to me...does it to you?We'd not really ever be able to talk about anything if we did that would we?Everyone has a different trigger,and I've maybe triggered one by now unknowingly.Just a random thought I thought I'd throw in,just wondering what they'd define as an actual trigger thing.

Anyway,

I was at a pretty low point last year where I had fallen apart totally,I was overly pale (still am but I look a bit less...ish).A my lowest weight,looking and feeling like crap.

I'd had an argument with my father over the phone and I'd just sat there upset,crying and tossed the phone at the wall.

Hid myself in the bathroom,locked the door trying to calm down,couldn't.I decided right then the best thing I could do,was give my family peace without having to carry a burden any longer..aka;Me.

I took a bottle of the strongest pills,and hid the bottle hoping they'd not notice since it wasn't a normally used one,decided maybe that wasn't enough,so I took some low key ones.And then I went into my mothers livingroom while she ate dinner with the kids over t.v,I sat in the lazyboy and I waited for peace.

One of my younger sisters(I have three younger sisters,the youngest two are twins)Katie,one of the twins,asked if she could lay with me,I told her no,because I was sick,a few moments later she came back,fluffing a pillow up for me,put a blanky over me.She gave me her favorite teddybear,kissed my cheek and told me she hoped I felt better because she loved me.

"Love is the nourishment for the soul. Just as food is to the body, so love is to the soul. Without food the body is weak, without love the soul is weak. And no state, no church and no vested interest has ever wanted people to have strong souls, because a person with spiritual energy is bound to be rebellious.

Love makes you rebellious, revolutionary. Love gives you wings to soar high. Love gives you insight into things, so that nobody can deceive you, exploit you, oppress you. And the priests and the politicians survive only on your blood — they survive only on exploitation. They are parasites, all the priests and all the politicians.

To make you spiritually weak they have found a sure method, one hundred percent guaranteed, and that is to teach you not to love yourself — because if a man cannot love himself he cannot love anybody else either. The teaching is very tricky. They say: Love others — because they know if you cannot love yourself you cannot love at all. But they go on saying: Love others, love humanity, love God, love nature, love your wife, your husband, your children and your parents, but don’t love yourself, because to love oneself is selfish according to them.

They condemn self-love as they condemn nothing else — and they have made their teaching look very logical. They say: If you love yourself you will become an egoist, if you love yourself you will become narcissistic. It is not true. A man who loves himself finds that there is no ego in him. It is in loving others without loving yourself, in trying to love others that the ego arises.

So yesterday, I went a whole day without b/p. I even worked out, which made me feel good. I didn't plan on going to school today, so my stress level was low. To go a whole day without b/p was really something to celebrate. i was so proud of myself, i was having a good day.

my boyfriend's grandfather has been having heart problems, and adam called me yesterday and told me that his grandfather got admitted to the hospital because some medication they gave him caused cardiac arrhythmia. he told me that his mom and stepdad went to go spend the night with him after they fixed him up, and that he was going to be at his house all alone and lonely and bored. i offered several times to come over, but he lives downhill and kept telling me that he didn't think it was a good idea because he didnt' want me to worry about getting stuck in his drive and also that he wasn't in a good mood and didn't want to be a chore or hassle to be around. i insisted i come over, but he got kind of snappy and i dropped it.

he called me again a couple hours later and said he had two things to tell me. one was about an ex-boyfriend i have who apparently has some illness that is causing him to die, and he thought it was interesting. i did think it was interesting because i know that this ex has crohns disease, and crohns usually isn't fatal, so i don't believe that he's dying. the other thing he wanted to tell me was that he talked to hannah and asked him about his grandpa and stuff and also said that she misses him and she doesn't want to see the new movie he made because i was in it.

I've been in this awesome relationship for 3 months now. His name is Adam, he's an artist, he is sweet and honest and caring and so much more. Even though it's only been 3 months, I feel like he's the one. I feel like I've found my soul mate. Very little has gotten in the way of our relationship. The things that have include my jealousy towards his ex-girlfriend (whom he dated for 7 years) and the other girls he talk to....and my stupid insecurities about the way i look.
No matter what, though, he is supportive and sweet and tries to reassure me that I'm the only one for him - something I've never had before.

Anyway, today, I was talking to him on the phone about silly things, and the issue of insecurity came about. I explained to him that I'm just having a difficult time in school and stuff, then mentioned my ED. As far as he knew, it was over like, a year ago. I casually mentioned that i still purge.

When I said this, the conversation kind of took an odd turn.

At first, he was really quiet, and i felt this horrible sinking feeling like ... oh my god, he's going to break up with me...then he asked how often it happens. I told him like twice a week, but in reality, it's a miracle if i can make it one day without b/p. He was still really quiet, but asked if it was because of him. What am I supposed to say? I mean, I want to look good, I want to be thin and stay thin, but it's a lot more than that - at least i think it is.

I told him of course it's not because of him. I told him it's been going on a lot longer than the 3 months that we've been together, and i think perhaps it gave him a little comfort. He told me he doesn't care about weight or anything, and i reassured him and told him i knew that. he told me that it hurts him. It hurts him that i would hurt myself, and i told him that i'm working on it.

I am happily married to my husband. However, every time I go through these phases when I am wanting to binge and purge, I think about cheating on my husband??!?! I hate that, because I am scared that I might do it one day. It's only when I am having a really hard time, like I had been drinking heavily, or b/ping heavily. Other times, it never even crosses my mind. I think its because with him, he does not care how I feel about myself. He loves me and my body no matter what, it kills me to think that someone could love me like that!

When I was single I slept around a lot. I am ashamed and am glad I never got a disease. I felt so used during it and I felt like that's what I deserved. Has this carried on into my marriage?

Can anyone help me??!?!?!?

I'm exhausted, but I can't sleep. Basically, I'm in love with my best friend. He will never realize how he's helped me through my most intense periods of self hatred. He loved me unconditionally, and there are times I don't know what I would have done without him.

But when he loved me most, I still wasn't able to love myself. I am a control freak. I couldn't let go and let myself love anyone. Not myself, and definitely not him.

But now I'm here, and I love him, and he gradually spends less and less time with me... to be with his girl friend.

Even if he doesn't feel quite the same, I need him as my friend!!! I feel so weak and pathetic, but I miss him so much when he isn't there. I need his support and I need his friendship.

I don't know what to tell him, if anything. Usually I handle difficult situations by running away. I hate talking about my feelings :-| But unfortunately, everything has been getting worse again. I can't take my mind off all the things that bring me down. I just want him to be there for me like he was before! But I don't know that I even have the right to want that. He has a girlfriend and if he is happy with her, I don't want to take that away from him just because I'm broken and can't do things on my own.

I don't think he would abandon me if I asked... but I don't know that it's even fair of me to ask. I don't want to be a downer! But I feel so... not myself. But then I fell better when he's around. :(( I'm such a baby!!!

My lack of love in my childhood years made me ponder if it was my fault that no one loves me. I was aware I was plus sized but I didn't care at first. After I reached 12, I started to get worried and conscious about my weight. I looked at all the skinny girls and I hoped I could be as thin. I had suicidal thoughts, self multilation to try to cut away my fats. I hsted them.

I soon became stuck in my world of anorexia and started rejecting food. I would starve myself for days. It worked and I lost 20kilos in a month. But after that short term moment of success, I couldn't lose anymore weight. I felt helpless again.

I tried slimming pills, laxatives, even toothpaste. None worked and for a few months now I have been purging my food to maintain my weight. I hate myself, I hate being fat anf ugly. I survive on liquid diets but my weight still has not gone down.

I get more attention now, but still, he does not love me. I go out with friends in fear that I have to eat something not on my list of acceptable foods.

Lord, someone help me.

If I wanna love me I can't let anybody decry me no?
Then why do I...
It must change

Is it within me? The love and peace I sometimes feel is within me and all around me. Why is it so hard for me to feel it all the time? Why do I go from the highest feeling of unlimitted potential to being small, hopeless, little old me?

The darkness is almost safe and so familiar. Love is all encompassing, allows all things and can never be taken or destroyed. I want to feel it, access it. I dont want this disease to kill me. I dont want my body to break down from the effects of this addiction. I want to see what I cant truely be without this dark pull of Bulimia. It keeps me stuck in the limited scope of the body and mind.

So I ask for the ability to always remember the truth of who I really am. Love. I ask that we all see and feel and remember that the beauty and mystery of the stars, the planet and whats beyond is and always will be within us all also.