Bulimia Help

Is it wrong to want to get better because you want to show up your ex? Don't get me wrong, I want to get better because of MANY other reasons, the biggest one is my health and love for myself, BUT.......there is a little voice inside my head that hates him because of how badly he did me when we were together.
He really helped me become who I am. He beat me down with terrible words just like kids did when I was young. He made me hate myself. He told me unless I was thin he could not be with me.
So....I began to purge. Don't get me wrong he is long gone, but everytime I pick up something to eat I think of the words he used to say to me. I know I need to let go of my anger, but I want to be better before my 5 year reunion with school. I want to show him that I am better person with my now husband. He is the one that showed me that it is not okay to hate yourself. He showed me the way to recovery.....

Is it wrong to want to get better because you want to show up your ex? Don't get me wrong, I want to get better because of MANY other reasons, the biggest one is my health and love for myself, BUT.......there is a little voice inside my head that hates him because of how badly he did me when we were together.
He really helped me become who I am. He beat me down with terrible words just like kids did when I was young. He made me hate myself. He told me unless I was thin he could not be with me.
So....I began to purge. Don't get me wrong he is long gone, but everytime I pick up something to eat I think of the words he used to say to me. I know I need to let go of my anger, but I want to be better before my 5 year reunion with school. I want to show him that I am better person with my now husband. He is the one that showed me that it is not okay to hate yourself. He showed me the way to recovery.....

I was thinking - the past 11 days I have had 2 b/ps - i.e. 2 days slip up. Rather than disheartening myself and going back to day 1, I think I am going to look at it in that way. This is day 12. Noone can go cold turkey right? I just have to make a concsious effort to not purge if I binge. I feel like I am back on track now - you know when you wake up and you just feel optimistic enough.

Yesterday I did b/p yes, but afterwards, I watched Karen Carpenter's Story with the lights off, lying in bed with a candle on. I felt so relaxed and amazing. I promised myself after watching that that I would keep trying and actually put more of an effort into recovery than I have the past 2 days. I think it's giving me the motivation I need - Karen Carpenter's story is so sad.

As from tonight, I am staying with my boyfriend (he is home from the air force for 2 weeks over xmas) - I always call it my rehab. I never get the urge when I am with him. I think that it will give me the kick start into recovery that I need - only testing myself with the odd day alone. I just have to keep motivated and keep going. Everyone slips up during recovery by the sounds of it. Im really trying and I know I will succeed as long as I put my heart into it.

xxx

its been a strange week

I feel really unstressed.
this is strange, for it is finals.
and everything is changing and getting hectic.
but so unstressed am I.
I read alot.
and eat alot
and I am not stopping.
Its not a hectic desperate binge, but a consistent intake of foods I generally never allow myself to go near.

I need to stop, lest I gain weight....and actually freak out.

How do i refind the motivation when it seems so far. I've been doing relatively well and would hate to have a serious relapse. its xmas time, which is usually when the relapse occurs. How do you get back on track.

I just feel so relaxed and indulgent....

i could really use help its been almost a week and I can feel the freak out beginning.

Since I've decided to sorting myself, everything has become easier. I made up my mind to tell you what helped me to reduce the binges towards zero. (For those who didn't know: In August I was registered in a clinic due to the sudden gravity of my binges, but I didn't take up the clinic stay. I decided to take matters into my hands and to manage my eating behaviour on my own. With the following acts I've passed it.)
- I started a beauty ritual, in the mornings and in the evenings, which helps me to love my body and to hold it in high esteem. It's important to take time for yourself (since you are the most valuable in your life) and to touch yourself. You are you. Love yourself.
- I started to meditate every night when it gets dark. I sit outside the house, with a candle, and regather my thoughts converting them into very positive ones. (It is a proven fact that all successfull people are spiritual! And since I can't believe in God, this is how I do it.)
- I drew up strict rules regarding meals: only eat at the table, decorate your table like a blanquet, with flowers, candles, sayings, music..., eat only three times a day. eat slowly. bite well. taste.
It isn't allowed to disregard any single rule! The first days are quite hard but then you get used to it!
- If you want to binge: sit down, drink a lot, and ask yourself WHY you want to binge right in this moment? which feeling is pottering around inside yourself? can you express it otherwise?
- Often go outside. Do sport at least 3 times a week, it provides a very good feeling of your body and its sequence of movements (but don't starve yourself! your body needs power food!)
- I try to do more artistic things: paint, play the violine, write poems, sing... It helps a lot and you learn to be defined not just about food and weight and look. you have talent!
- I try to sleep more.

I always hated when someone told me that recovery means taking baby steps. I didn't want to take baby steps. I wanted to take big huge steps and be done with my eating disorder and get on with my life. But unfortunately, this is not how it works...we have to learn to be patient, we have to learn to be kind to ourselves. And these are all important lessons that recovery teaches us.

Recovery is a process. It takes time. Recovery does not happen overnight. Your eating disorder started years before you first binged, purged or starved yourself - and it will take time to overcome this disorder. And there is no rule for how long it takes for someone to recover. We all have different stories to tell, different reasons why we developed our eating disorders, and we are all at different points in our lives.

Sometimes it feels like we are not moving at all and are not getting anywhere with recovery. In those moments, it's important to look back, look at all these baby steps and see how far we have come already. It is important to celebrate these baby steps. Like when you didn't binge, or ate something you wouldn't normally eat and not feel guilty about it or when you were just about to buy laxatives but put them back onto the shelf and left the store without them. Be proud of yourself for moments like that! Yes, you can be proud of yourself. This is a huge achievement! Every baby step is a big victory.

It's one day at a time. One step at a time. One step at a time may seem too slow some days but these small steps add up to making a HUGE difference. Each of these baby steps brings us closer to recovery and a life free of ED (your eating disorder).

So I did really well today and I am actually very proud of myself. I can usually do well for a few days but then I will have a set back. I didn't have any B/P cycles today which is great. I did a guided eating session today and it actually really helped so if you haven't tried that yet I would definately recommend it. So I was just asking myself how I could keep the motivation that I currently have to recover from this ED and if anybody has any ideas I would love to hear them. I know I am going to have my bad days but I just really want to get to the point where I have far more GOOD days than bad. Good luck to everyone who is fighting this and know that you are not alone. Together we can beat this!!

I've been thinking about recovery, considering it's on the fore-front of my game at the moment. I want to lose weight. I keep wanting to lose weight.

I was looking for a photo yesterday to send to a friend of mine, y'know, the hurt funger one, because it's funny. Anyway, I saw loads of photos from, oddly enough, August/September/Early October whist I was at the low low end of the Xstone spectrum - I got annoyed. I got very annoyed and partially reminiscent. I need to focus on my work this week; it helps me keep focused. One of the main reasons, other than the fact that Bulimia just makes me fat and overall, my calorie intake during recovery is less, is for my work. I can't go to Uni and give it my all, enter competitions or produce my best work when I'm tryign to starve myself and failing. I know it.

So this is one way I can cope with this.

But that's the point. Since I've been eating more I have a desperate need to up my exercise, and instead of just thinking and dreaming abou it, I've started a committment. I'm doublign it, although that does translate into just 3.5 - 4 hours of exercise each week, which isn't at all excessive or anything but my thinking, whilst I was swimming this morning was, 'I'm burning calories. I've not eaten yet today and I'm burning calories. I've not even started my day for real and I'm exercising, and that's good. That's brilliant!'
SO I swam and swam and swam and then I swam some more getting out at the last minute and making myself late for College because I didn't want to get out. It reminded me of when, in Yr 12 and I was skinny and doing the most exercise I've ever done in my life, when I used to run to the local swimming pool during free blocks instead of studying.

ugh....... not a good day. i was good.... then was not. dumb.......
i go through such mood swings. one day i will wake up and feel like"ok i can just stop this dumb disease" and then two hours later i am struggling. I know i want to stop and I know I have to. I want a better life so i just have to keep reminding my self of reasons why....
-to be able to be honest with people i care about
-to be able to be spontaneous again and not plan my day around food
-to be able to look at my self in the mirror and not see a girl with bulimia
- be able to relax
- to be happy again
- take control of my life
- have a family one day
- be able to be a success story for others with this awful disease
- to live and be healthy
-be active and social again!

Tomorrow IS a new day... i have a new job. i got a scholarship for school. I can do this. I can do this. I am strong.... before i go to bed i am going to recite the reasons to quit over and over.
thanks to everyone for their support... i am also here for anyone who needs to vent or needs some support as well.