Bulimia Help

What is bulimia?

It is a desire to be beautiful.
So we destroy our bodies, as our faces swell and our hair falls out.

It is the quest for happiness.
So we erode away our teeth until we can no longer smile.

It is a yearning to be accepted.
So we lock our doors, push people away and refuse to let anybody near.

It is a wish to make ourselves happy.
So we scream insults into the mirror, hurt ourselves and sabotage any chance for happiness.

It is a longing for control.
So we give ourselves entirely to habits we want more than anything to break but cannot.

It is a fear of food.
So we eat excessive quantities of it.

It is a cry for help.
So we keep it all secret.

It is a need to love and be loved.
So we slowly destroy our hearts until they are too weak to beat for ourselves, let alone to flutter in the presence of somebody else.

It is a comfort.
Which leaves us in physical and psychological agony.

It is a lifestyle.
In which we never truly LIVE.

It is a disease.
For which nobody knows the cure.

It is self-contradictory. It is futile. It is cruel.
It lies.

Liars are not friends. Liars need to be taught a lesson.
We need to learn to say "You lie" to our ED.

And when we can do that, we will see more reality, more truth, more beauty and more hope than any false friend can ever claim to offer.

Permit me an allusional digression.

Adam and Eve were expelled from eternal Paradise because Eve gave in to the forbidden fruit, when safe and nourishing food surrounded her, because the snake, the Liar told her to take it. She did the wrong thing, she allowed temptation to lead her away from what was normal and permissable, she took a different food-path, and where did it leave her? Banished, alone, perpetually forbidden from Paradise.

After the past few days in a living hell, i woke up this morning & felt somewhat okay. I looked outside & saw the beautiful sun shining & decided i was going to get off my ass & go for a run. so i went up to my room to get dressed & now i feel TERRIBLE. i feel huge & fat & chubby & disgusting & like i gained 2948107 lbs. its hard to be motivated to run when you are just SO disgusted in yourself. im just so angry. idk what to do :\

I hate days like these.

I feel so low and so depressed. Im still fine food wise, no real desire to b/p more that normal. But I just find myself sat here in a daze that I can't snap out of, things seem foggy, I can't even find the motivation to tidy the house or do anything but sit here and stare into space.

Ideally I'd just like to go sleep until my fiance gets home from work, in reality I know that wont even help. What the hell is wrong with me? I hate not being able to snap myself out of days like this because I love happy positive full of energy me, I hate sad lonely depressed me.

Yes, to like. Not to love, we don’t go there. At least not in this post. This post is not going to be heavy, profound and “really touching” stuff. This is going to be light stuff. Easy going. You know, when you just like somebody and want to hang out. Have a beer, chit chat, grab something to eat and watch the world unfolding in front of you, enjoyable second after enjoyable second.

I bet you don’t really like yourself. Maybe you like the whole package, but there are a few bits and pieces that could be corrected. Perhaps you could lose some weight. Maybe you could be a little more patient when you argue. Or maybe you could make some more money if you’d really start to use your full potential. Overall you’re good, don’t get me wrong. But you know, those bits and pieces…

The Subtle Disliking Process
Those bits and pieces are taking a lot more space and time than you think. Every time you’re stumbling upon some aspect of your being you don’t like, something happens. A subtle, most of the time invisible process is triggered. Unfortunately, as subtle as it can be, this process is also destructive and leaves deep marks.

Here’s how it works:

First: you identify the part that you don’t like. You do that by spotting differences. You carry around a mental model of what’s “average” or “acceptable” and whatever part of you which doesn’t fit the description is immediately identified, labeled and stored for further review.

Second: you start to feel bad about that part. Being different means most of the time being rejected. Surprisingly enough, this rejection feeling is not always triggered by somebody else, but, more often than you think, it’s an individual reaction. People are feeling alienated because they don’t fit in their own image of “acceptable”, although they may be accepted and valued by their peers.

so,...about a week ago my grandma passed away. I felt horrible to say the least....never been able to grasp the reasons why beautiful people have to suffer. It's a disgusting thing to me.. She loved to cook , entertain...share with everyone. She was not heavy but def not thin. She was such a great person and my inspiration. I want to eat what I want...when I want. I want to be a person who is an inspiration like she was. She never worried about prtty things...suvh as weight. She spent that time being loving and takin care of everyone. I love her and because of this desire to be a great person..i have had the strength to go without bingeing or purgin. I feel so blessed to have this b my motivation.

This is something my sister wrote to me that helped me with my first attempt at recovery after realizing I had compulsive eating disorder, I relapsed after she went back to college as she was only visiting.. sad story but I'm still strong! :')

Here it is, I hope it helps you guys xx,

Who are you? Who do you want to be? You want to be healthy. Mentally AND physically. Someone who is not controlled by self destructive eating patterns.
This is hurting you in every aspect of your life, including your self confidence and self worth. It's not worth it. You are beautiful just the way you are and you have to realize that and realize the fucked up image of the ideal body in your mind is just part of your disorder, the sickness of bulimia. Only when you truly believe that, then you will become determined to stop. You have to take care of yourself, because sometimes we have to be our own best friends. No matter how badly people we love want to be with us all the time and help us through everything, they can't. We have to be good to ourselves and treat ourselves better than we treat anyone else. We all forget that. We have sacrificed so much in our lives for other people. We deserve to be treated better, we deserve it the most because we're stuck with our selves- no matter how strong or fragile we are- until the day we die.

What is my problem? I tell myself over and over again that today will the last day I engage in this behaviour, but it beats me every time. Why do I continue to do something that I know is destructive and dangerous? What is the incentive? I thought the only incentive to engage in behaviour is because it brings about positive results. What's positive about bingeing and purging? It brings nothing but misery and plight to those who it affects.

Lets free ourselves! We can win this battle!

Is it wrong to want to get better because you want to show up your ex? Don't get me wrong, I want to get better because of MANY other reasons, the biggest one is my health and love for myself, BUT.......there is a little voice inside my head that hates him because of how badly he did me when we were together.
He really helped me become who I am. He beat me down with terrible words just like kids did when I was young. He made me hate myself. He told me unless I was thin he could not be with me.
So....I began to purge. Don't get me wrong he is long gone, but everytime I pick up something to eat I think of the words he used to say to me. I know I need to let go of my anger, but I want to be better before my 5 year reunion with school. I want to show him that I am better person with my now husband. He is the one that showed me that it is not okay to hate yourself. He showed me the way to recovery.....

Is it wrong to want to get better because you want to show up your ex? Don't get me wrong, I want to get better because of MANY other reasons, the biggest one is my health and love for myself, BUT.......there is a little voice inside my head that hates him because of how badly he did me when we were together.
He really helped me become who I am. He beat me down with terrible words just like kids did when I was young. He made me hate myself. He told me unless I was thin he could not be with me.
So....I began to purge. Don't get me wrong he is long gone, but everytime I pick up something to eat I think of the words he used to say to me. I know I need to let go of my anger, but I want to be better before my 5 year reunion with school. I want to show him that I am better person with my now husband. He is the one that showed me that it is not okay to hate yourself. He showed me the way to recovery.....

I was thinking - the past 11 days I have had 2 b/ps - i.e. 2 days slip up. Rather than disheartening myself and going back to day 1, I think I am going to look at it in that way. This is day 12. Noone can go cold turkey right? I just have to make a concsious effort to not purge if I binge. I feel like I am back on track now - you know when you wake up and you just feel optimistic enough.

Yesterday I did b/p yes, but afterwards, I watched Karen Carpenter's Story with the lights off, lying in bed with a candle on. I felt so relaxed and amazing. I promised myself after watching that that I would keep trying and actually put more of an effort into recovery than I have the past 2 days. I think it's giving me the motivation I need - Karen Carpenter's story is so sad.

As from tonight, I am staying with my boyfriend (he is home from the air force for 2 weeks over xmas) - I always call it my rehab. I never get the urge when I am with him. I think that it will give me the kick start into recovery that I need - only testing myself with the odd day alone. I just have to keep motivated and keep going. Everyone slips up during recovery by the sounds of it. Im really trying and I know I will succeed as long as I put my heart into it.

xxx