Bulimia Help

yes! i actually changed my profile picture to a real picture of me a couple of days ago. i've always been so scared, when registering on these kind of sites, to use my real face or name for fear of being recognised by someone i know and everyone finding out my secret - kinda silly & far fetched, and really it would be such a relief anyways...

so anyways, somehow i racked up 3 b/p free days under my belt after almost 2 weeks of daily b/p... i was beginning to think i couldn't turn things around, getting frustrated and starting to panic. i did b/p today but at least i managed to restrain myself a little and not drive to the shops to load up on junk food like i'd planned to do all afternoon. the home alone thing gets me every time - my roommate mentions he may be working at night & my ears just prick up & i automatically think 'binge opportunity!' it's like a knee-jerk reaction, i can't help it....

i think it's time for us to go our separate ways. you have been a part of me for 10 years now and nothing good has come of this.. in fact, everything that's bad in my life is a result, either directly or indirectly of your presence.

you make me feel like i'm worth less than i am, you make me feel like i don't deserve to be happy when i do, you take me further away from the person i want to be but i know she is down there somewhere still, deep inside.

i'm always tired, exhausted because my life is consumed by you, all i know is you. the safety and security of what is familiar, a habit learned & practiced over the years keeps me within your grasp but it's the most destructive of relationships and the more time i spend with you, the less hope i have of leaving you.

so now we must part, and i must think of myself. i'm not done living yet, i've bearly just begun. i'll not let this all have been in vain, i will never forget and take everything i've learned about myself and about life with me, as i continue my journey alone... goodbye.

it's 7am and allready my head is flooded with these thoughts, i want to eat, i want to binge, i know i'll b home alone this afternoon and it's the 'perfect opportunity', i can be as loud as i want, i can binge in the living room instead of cooped up in my room.

i don't want to spend xmas evening alone b/p ing but i can't help but feel that's where i'm heading today :(

i guess i'll just do my best and check back in later to let you all know how i went...

negativity aside, i hope everyone has/had a lovely christmas - i know the holidays can be tough but we can make it thru together
xx

to not stick to the plan..... i have to constantly remind myself of that.

this black & white thinking means that the second one little thing goes wrong, the whole day is done - which obviously does not have to be the case.

good day/bad day.... i'm going for good hours, minutes right now... and good decisions....

it's okay that i planned to go to the gym but didn't end up feeling like it, it's okay that i had a cookie for morning tea instead of the apple i planned to have....
it doesn't mean that the whole day's gone to shit and i may aswell just b/p.....

it's OKAY TO BE HUMAN.....

.. i don't really have the opportunity to b/p cos i know i would if i did. i told myself monday would be a new day, i even ate some 'bad' foods today i would normally not let myself get away with but i let it go...

i think the last week i just let myself get back into the b/p cycle and it's just habit to get home and want to b/p.

i ate a little when i got home & started heading downt the b/p track... but i know - rationally - that i haven't even eaten enough today to warrant b/p ing and i just need to drink some water and relax and go to sleep....

my ED voice on the other hand is allready writing off tomorrow as a b/p day, allready planning the next binge, allready relishing the fact that i will be home alone tomorrow which = b/p opportunity.....

aaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg.. i need to scream at the top of my lungs right now..... i just need to let it out, its the most horrible, uncomfortable, unnatural thing when u have these 2 totally conflicting voices in your head and you know which one is wrong yet you still struggle to listen to the right one....

h2o, breathe, relax, sleep... dream... awaken, new day, fresh start, nurture me.......

how did i get here???

it's all i can do to make it thru the day, but then i get home, b/p, shower & go to bed... only to get up and do it all over again the next day.

it's so hard for me to go out and face the world when i feel fat and bloated and just totally lacking in confidence - so the thought of not purging after a binge is just hardly even an option in my mind.. but i know that's what i need to start with, i just wish i could hide away from the world for a little bit and deal with this, and be able to have fat days without having to worry about it.

urrrghhh! i wish i could just snap out of this!

.. i just want to crawl out of it.

i dont want to purge any more. i'm terrified i'm messing up my body for life. i just watched a you tube video of a girl who is 27 and has false teeth as a result of years of having an eating disorder.

i need to stop purging but i don't know how to deal with a binge without purging, i'm not gonna lie - i don't want to get fat - but i don't want false teeth - i don't know which is worse....

I'M SCARED....
- of what i'll do to myself if i let this go on a day longer
- of what i'v allready done to myself
- of even going to the dentist
- of never getting better
- of telling someone
- of having someone find out

so many uncertainties....

when i'm binging... i think, i could stop myself right now... right now... it's not too late, i can still stop myself, i don't HAVE to do this, i don't WANT to do this..... but lately, for some reason i just ignore all those thoughts and keep going.

then it's too late, and i HAVE to purge - and the same kinda things go thru my head ~ i don't want to do this, i don't have to do this, i know i shouldn't but by that stage the thought of leaving all that food in my stomach is too much to bear.

i feel horrible when i'm stuck in this cycle, my self confidence plummets, i'm tired, i have no energy and i feel like i'm constantly sneaking around and going to get busted. when i'm doing well i feel amazing.. the complete opposite - full of energy & life, i love being able to be spontaneous!

it really seems like an easy decision to make, - b/p = makes me feel bad and is bad for me..... no b/p = makes me feel good and is much much better for me... i mean there's not really any question about it SO WHY IS THIS SOOOOO HARD??????????

... yep, that pretty much sums up how i feel right now. it's not that i've given up or stopped fighting by any means, but i let what should have been one little slip up turn into a bad day which spilled over into another bad day.... and i'm tired & i feel bad & bad about myself - i've even slacked off with my food journal & writing these blogs. i had to force myself to start writing tonite even, but that said - now that i've started i am actually feeling a little better allready.

every single time i b/p these days i regret it.... the food never tastes that good, hell a lot of the time it's whatever's at hand anyways & not something i really really like. i defnitely never look forward to the p part it's more that i panic and have to get the food out and i NEVER feel better for having b/p'd - i don't know why i do it, it's like this horrible horrible bad habit that i just can't kick. FUCK, i QUIT SMOKING, i mean how much harder can this be??? just goes to show how addictive this behaviour really is and how strong a grip on us it can get.

ok, well enough rambling, i guess i better catch up on my food journal entries :/

humpday tomorrw, time to turn this week around

i gave in today. i fought so hard & almost turned it around but in the end i just couldn't (or wouldn't) help myself.

it's okay, i had a great few days and i'm not going to let one b/p suck me back into that whole cycle... back on track tomorrow.

despite the many setbacks i've had along the way... i look back over my calendar ( i get pink crosses for b/p free days, and black crosses for b/p days) and see that i've had more b/p free days - even if they're not consecutive - than i ever have before these last couple of months. so i'm going to keep fighting until my whole calendar is filled with pink crosses!

love to all, keep fighting & never ever give up
xx