Bulimia Help

This site has seriously been the best help ever. Structured eating has really helped me.
Thing is I have found that I still restrict without knowing it. I feel guilty about eating food itself that I find myself eating low calorie and restricting my intake without thinking about it. its the only way I have ever known to eat.
I still do obsessive things with my food, like tearing the crusts off bread or doing silly things to reduce the calorie content etc. and then I end up binge eating at night. I don't compensate for the binges anymore by fasting or over-excercising, so the weight has definitely piled on.

okay so today is the start of day 4.

last night i bugged out crying and just utterly gone. not myself. as much as i wanted to purge i didnt. today i woke up and ate breakfast. i also looked at my face. my skin looks less red and irritated. the breakouts on my chin on depleting. so much to the point where i dont have to put makeup on them.

my hair wasnt falling out in clumps as it normally does when i shower. my tummy feels a bit better.....i hope this keeps up.

Just a quick entry - I am loving life on campus at university. Friendly people, lots to do, meal times set and meals cooked for me, not even any sweet vending machines!

There are only three meals a day, so I am getting hungry in between, and haven't been sleeping too well, but I figure my body will adjust a bit. I'll probably have to start taking fruit back with me, or forming a habit of getting a glass of milk before the kitchen closes each night.

There are lots of opportunities to exercise too - often in groups or in a fun way.

I'm a bit concious that I'm developing a bit of an aversion to fruit - I think of it as sugar and I don't eat any any more, as it was previously my snack food. I am a bit worried that when I get home the lack of structure will lead to binging. But for now I'm just so happy to have this ED free haven. No binging, no purging, very little temptation!

This is just a random blog to help get me back on track!!!

Well, I'm back from vacation, and it was pretty good. We ate healthy, and I did listen to my stomach a lot more! We did however have some of my trigger foods, just because we were away on vacation and when you travel with somebody you tend to eat the same as the other person.

It's been almost 2 months without b/p. I did however have 2 binges before flying out for vacation because of the anxiety of flying, but I didn't let it affect me! We just got back yesterday, and thinking that I was better I made some banana bread for myself and my suitemates (normally safe.. but it was really good) and I did unfortuantly binge on it. From all this I learned that I'm not ready yet to re-introduce certain triggers in moderation. It wasn't even an emotional trigger it was just because of sweet cravings.

So, because of this occurrence with the triggers, I'm going back on fully-structured eating, until I know I will be ready. I don't want to purge again, I really hate it and I want to get better and live a normal life. I feel like it's within reach, but I just have to break these silly habits! It really does sound easier then it is right? lol

Getting back on track will be good for me. Progress can only happen when I trust in myself and realize what is good and bad for me. I have to listen to my "inner voice" more, and stop letting my cravings control me when it comes to binging. Thus, my next goal is to stop the binging intentions and follow my structured eating plan after all it is when I was feeling on top of the world!! I should go back to drawing when I feel the need to binge, it did wonders before!

Anything is possible, if i can do it I will feel so happy with myself! :)

Thanks for reading!

Okay, i gotta say that - structured eating is AMAZING. It helps me soo much. I'm eating healthy, i have regular hours for my meals and i feel so great and energetic. Yeah, i don't remember when was the last time i had so much energy, and it's SO positive and i'm so glad! Even my friend asked me few days ago if i was in love, because i seemed so happy and i was smiling all the time - so yay, it works! :D

I'm also proud of one thing - yesterday i ate a chocolate bar for my afternoon snack and... nothing happened. No binge, no purge, no guilt. It sounds funny, i know, but i'm really proud of myself, i never thought i'll be able to do that.

Thanks for all your support! :)

So here I am. Binged today. Purged afterwards. I'm soo angry and sad. I know it's too early to expect too much, but i thought I'll be able to have... well, at least more than one day without b/p. But it seems like one day is all i can do right now. And that's pretty discouraging.

On the other hand, there are two good things about this day. First, I'm really surprised, but somehow I've managed to stop my binge at some point. That's something I've never done before... and I'm proud. As a result, the binge wasn't really big (so i can't explain why on earth i've purged afterwards :/ ). The second thing that i'm proud of - the first thought after my binge was "okay, i fucked up so i'm gonna starve myself till the end of the week", but then it was "heey, wait! you've binged, right, but you cannot starve now because it's gonna be even worse!". So i went to this lovely page, read some of your advices and decided to try again tomorrow, just like today's binge never happened. And that's the other thing that i'm proud of :)

So i guess i just have to forgive myself, though i still feel crappy after this b/p. But maybe it's gonna be better, maybe next time i'll be able to stop binges for longer.

I haven't been writing here for I while, so that's gonna be a loooong and boring post ;) Sorry about that.

I have a confession. The last time I was here I wasn't really focused on recovery. I mean I was, but still the most important thing was to lose weigh. I wanted to stop binges in order to be thinner. Which, obviously, couldn't work, because I was still trying to restrict.
You know, I always thought about "mental" side of this disease and I was aware of all the damages it does to my mind, but I also thought "recovered = fat and still ugly".

However, something has changed. I realized that - damn, I never thought I'll say that - I'M PRETTY. Seriously. I can see it now. I have beautiful hair, I'm tall, and damn, I even have pretty good figure. So yes, I am pretty, but not when I'm stuffed with all the food that I could find in my house + more. How could I be pretty with my face swollen & my stomach stuffed with all that junk food? And more important, how could I be pretty without smile on my face? Obviously, I can't. I like myself, I'm a good and interesting person, I AM pretty, but not when I'm binging. So, I think if I stop binging&purging, I'll be able to accept myself. I'm really determined to recover. Never thought I'll think about it that way, but somehow I do.

I guess it's a progress. I don't know If you understood something, but right now it's really hard to describe my thoughts (even in my own language, not to mention English ;))

It helps me to write it down my progress, otherwise I won’t give myself credit! So, here are some bits of progress I’ve made lately:

* My nutritionist sent me a recipe for gluten-free carrot banana muffins and my husband and I made them on Sunday night. I love baking, so it was a great outlet for my frustration that night. The muffins were delicious and healthy.
* I didn’t binge on the muffins! Instead, I shared them with my coworkers on my last day of work, sent my husband to work with a few, and I've had the rest of them as snacks over the past few days. All in moderation.
* I’ve managed to avoid binging despite the fact that I’ve been keeping the following potential trigger foods in the house: cereal, almond butter, tortillas, bread, muffins, chocolate, and candy. But, I allow myself reasonable amount of these foods when I'm hungry. I've also found that I don't really crave the empty calories in some of the cereals we have. Instead my favorite breakfast lately is gluten free rolled oats, some crushed flaxseeds, a handful of walnuts, and a handful of blueberries. Breakfast perfection!
* I also made this amazing ginger garlic salmon dish the other night and my husband said it was the best dinner he's ever had. Perhaps an overstatement, but it was indeed the best salmon I've ever had. I love the process of preparing my own meal.
* I haven’t weighed myself in three weeks.
* I haven’t counted calories in three weeks.
* I haven’t had any strong urges to binge since September. . . hmm I sense a strong correlation between weighing myself, counting calories, and binge urges!
* I haven't purged since April. Okay, I did some compensatory exercise once in September, but I'm not counting it here :)

Its been a while. Im still at home being ill. Today was pretty scary because my dad wouldnt be home and i would be home alone all day!
I spend most of my time baking bagels and mini donuts. Those bagels, they really hit me, they really almost made me cry! They were so delicious! I really enjoyed eating them.
But then the mini donuts went wrong: i really binged on them and then purged.
Every day i think again im recoverd but every day i binge and purge. However i still had a great day.
Later i went to my psychologist and i talked with her. I might be going to use anti depresivants and i'll also contact some big thing for eating disorders here for treatment. All big things happening!
However i know i need to work on my self acceptance because i finally learned that its not about what i do as long as i dont accept myself because it will never be enough until i learn to accept myself and be happy with the things i archieved.

Using your online Food tracker
Have been using my food tracker to monitor my food intake? Yes
Have you skipped any monitoring sessions?No
Am I filling that the monitoring form in with honesty? Yes
Am I recording my ALL binges in the monitoring form? Yes

Monitoring eating patterns
Are you eating regular meals and snacks? Yes
Do you recognize any changes in your eating patterns? Yes
Do you deprive yourself of food? Certain foods, yes
Are you starting to introduce previous foods you never used to eat? No
Are you eating a variety of food types? Vegan
Are there gaps longer than 3 hours between meals and snacks? No
Do you ever let yourself get too hungry? Yes
Can you prevent yourself from getting too hungry? Kind of
Are you eating snacks in between meals? No
Take note of eating habits.
Do you have a tendency to eat more at a certain time of the day? Yes
Do you crave certain foods? Yes
Are you skipping meals? No
Are you eating for emotional reasons? Not currently

Binging patterns
Is your binging episodes decreasing? Yes
Have you managed to identify binge triggers? Yes
Do you try to generate awareness during a binge? Yes
Are you aware of binge intensities? Yes
Do you alternate between binge days and diet days? Yes
Can you identify times when binges are more apparent? Yes
Do binges appear to serve any function? Yes

The Guided Eating System
Have you been using the Guided Eating sessions? No
Have you skipped out of any Guided Eating sessions? Yes
Are you filling the Guided Eating Tracker form honestly? Yes
Do you practice eating slowly? Yes
Are you trying to eat without distractions? No
Are you practicing being aware during your meals and snacks?No
Are you weighing food before your Guided Session? No
Do you find you are improving doing the Guided eating sessions? N/S
Have you been trying to relax for 10 minutes after each meal? Yes

Other questions
Do you still weigh yourself? Not yet